Friend

So I hung out with my long time friend, from hs, today. And I just have some things to say. I showed her that video, the one that im weirdly obsessed with, and she was confused by it. Like i have mixed feelings about it, it makes me cry but i dont really agree with the fact that it was made by a couple of white british guys and it really exploits reservation life. but i got the story, and she didn't. like, she didnt think it was an actuate representation of reservation life, it only focuses on one problem, sure i agree. I dont know, its hard for me to show things to people that i have a large emotional investment in, period, whether they feel the same way or not. plus, talking with her about native american history is strange, its awkward and well i feel like we cant debate and talk intelligently, i dont want to say the wrong thing, and i dont think she thinks i know anything. i know a lot, i do! i think she was surprised when i mentioned russell means. ha. I often get the feeling that people dont take me and what i say seriously. We always talk about PEOPLE and drama, not real things. I'm sick of talking about people. She also was talking about drama with her friends and its so fucking petty! a guy starting dating a girl and he didnt tell his ex of a couple years the second it happened...? that's wrong now? I guess to ME, who isnt involved in that kind of thing anymore, it seems petty. I want to talk about important things, but theres something not there... is it me? Do i need to be a cocky asshole for people to take me seriously? Going back a bit, I feel like she patronizes me. like she doesnt respect me, she tunes out when i talk i can tell. i dont know thats a bit harsh, but thats what i feel. i know at least part of this has to do with the fact that i dont have that that much confidence in myself. im sick of not being taken seriously. what can i do? Can i also talk about the fact that i dont want to go back to counseling? i just feel tied in and i hate that. i want her to be like, ok, do this this and this, and you'll be good. but i think, for change to happen, it takes long term work. am i really that upset about being scared of pottery machines...and knives...and machines of all kinds.... crap. maybe i really do need this. all of this is so overwhelming dammit.