Story Time

So, I'd like to tell you in salacious detail about the height of my high school career, when I was surrounded by and creating drama everywhere I stepped, and the day that I took a page from Gossip Girl and played it out line by line in my own life, and for a minute was the girl everyone wanted to know. You know when the gorgeous Serena does it with her bff Bair (annoying all around), boyfriend, the super sexy Nate? Well, let's just say that I became Serena for a couple short, yet delicious and exciting few months.

So, I had this friend, we were pretty close (Blair). She met this guy (Nate!) at a party beginning of our sophomore year, he was attractive. I guess they started dating, and it was her first, well, EVERYTHING so I heard about it all. He seemed nice, and I'm pretty sure the two of us exchanged pleasantries once in a while. So there was sophomore year, i finally got a boyfriend during interim, and we lasted until four months later when I was sick of his flirting with other girls. He didn't want ME, he wanted a gf.  So, I turned to my guy friend, who has been around for a while. He totally had a crush on me and I knew it in the back of my mind but I LOVED the attention he gave me, and the random hooking up we would do once in a while... probably shouldn't have kept that going. But. That summer we were together all the time, I loved having someone around who thought I was sexy and amazing.
But then, he finally asked, do you wanna date, and I said eeerrrrr i though we were friends??? who hooked up??? and he was like f this, im outie. And he stopped talking to me. And then school started. Blair was still with Nate 24/7, but i had been with my ex and my guy friend 24/7 too... but now I had no one except her. And she had him, so one could say I was really alone, and had a broken fucking heart.
So then interim started, but I was in the chorus so had nothing to do. And so did... Nate. Blair had a big part or something so she was always on stage. I'm pretty sure we started hanging out then, cause he was friends with my guy friend and we talked about my problems with him. My a-hole guy friend, at this point, had picked out some trashy rando and started dating her. And this chick was a complete fucking whore. Her life was drama, and if there wasn't any around, she fucking created it. I voiced my opinions about her to my friends, when the topic arose; I didn't like sluts who started drama. I didn't like her mostly because she stole my best fucking friend and one of the only guys who thought I was an incredibly beautiful goddess. So there was some bias. But I didn't like her.
So one day, this ex-guy friend of mine comes up to me in the dark theater with a couple of his pothead friends behind him and says, get outside, i need to talk to you. It was intimidating, I was kind of scared, he's volatile. So as soon as I get outside and shut the door, the shit storm begins. He starts yelling at me to stop talking about and spreading rumors about his slut gf! Haha! she's a really nice girl ok? he says, pussy.  His friends chime in. I'm like, look I dont like this slut, and I'm not gonna stop talking about her cause I dont give two shits about her feelings. It went on for a while, and finally he stormed off. I stood there. I was shaking. I felt awful, I hated that he looked down on me. Nate came up, hey, it looks like you could use a cigarette. I smile gratefully.
We head outside and I smoke my first cig ever with him, it felt great. We walked through town, and I felt badass cause I was missing a rehearsal. He was nice to me, sympathetic. That was insane, he said what a dick. We bonded. It was a cool moment.
So after that, we started hanging out more and more... we skipped rehearsal and played pool at the old bowling alley. He even did that thing where he stood behind me and showed me how to hold a pool que. I died.
We started hanging out outside of school, we went to the museum and smoked pot on the nature trails - I don't remember anything. On halloween we sat on the hill above the cemetery and watched these amazing storm clouds and listened to the bell tower chime my curfew and hours after. We would just drive the fuck around and smoke cigs and pot. I was def opened up to a whole new world.
Sometime during this Nate and Blair broke up. He told me he broke up with her to be with me. I was so happy, finally a guy wants me, ME over my beautiful smart friend. She was devastated though, I had to try hard to seem sympathetic when she called on the phone, crying about him. All I could think of was what we did last night.
One of these burn turns ended up in my saying we should drive to our house in NH. We started on the highway and I soon realized it was the wrong highway. Easy mistake. No probs, he said, my grandpas house is right down the road we can visit. Erm, that might be awkward I said. No, he says, he just died. (WHAA) and I know when the key is so we can go in and chill! This was so wrong. But soooo right. We got there, went in, a typical old man house. Nate had american spirit and papes and we rolled this enormous cig. We smoked it outside and finally I said, my lung hate me and my fingers just fell off. So we went inside, and I got under his big coat to get warm. He got under it too... and in the dark, we met. It was thrilling, felt so good, and wow, he can unhook a bra and get it off a less than a second. I'm pretty sure I had a smile on my face the entire time. And let the record show that he made the moves, not me. The ride home wasn't awkward.
I started going over to his house and spending afternoons... we never did anything but make out. Once Blair called him mid makeout sesh, and he answered it (should have heeded that warning) and I tried as hard as I could not to giggle. I kissed his face as he talked to her, kissed his mouth when she talked. He didn't really kiss back.
Then, the punch line. One day, we were sitting in the pit, Blair turns to me and says, so I have amazing news. I talked to Nate last night, and he told me he's liked me this entire time since we broke up!!! Silence. I mean, we have been talking every night since we broke up... Silence. My insides are collapsing in on themselves. So, he wants to try again! Isn't that great!?! I distinctly remember being so shocked I couldn't even muster up a smile can act like I was happy for her. I was unconvincing, I know. I got up and said, uh, I gotta go. And I went and found Nate. I stuttered for a minute then finally got out, so you're dating Blair now huh? and he said i mean... blablabla...bsbsbs.... i'm a spineless a-hole... then my fav part: 'it's not that I don't like you... it's just, I like her too!' I was like fuck you, fuck this, goodbye. Then, as I walked away,  my second favorite part: 'keep me in mind, cause there aren't a whole lot of available guys at this school!!' I didn't even have a response to that one. Wow.
So, they started dating again. And five years later, they are still dating to this day. I don't talk to him and if I do, I'm not nice. He led my sister along for a while too (small town) and she found out the same way I did that he's been talking to Blair that whole time they were together. Blair and I are still friends, if you could call it that. I don't know if she knows. Although, how could she not? But why would she still talk to me if she did? I don't know. It created quite a rift in our friendship and I don't think we are as honest with each other, at least I'm not with her. I feel bad I did that to her. I would feel bad that she's dating a scumbag, except he did all these things just to be with her. So I guess she's lucky in a way. And I guess... I'm not.

So, there it is. I'm different now, in college, creating a life for myself. I'm not exactly proud of who I was then, but I learned a lot from it. Don't lie and cheat your friends, and don't be a sucker for attention. You always lose.





Summer

Watch...

Watch 'Lake Consequence'. Just watch the scenes in the chinese festival, they are my favorite, a beautiful ambience, music, colors. Billy Zane would be a god - those amazing dark eyes, and that body - if he never opened his mouth.



enjoyyy.....


Summer

This is hard to write... I guess I have social anxiety disorder. Watched a vid on it last night and it described me exactly. Apparently 5% of americans suffer from it. It's just the fear of looking bad, and avoiding situations where you might look bad, so much so that your quality of life is diminished. Yea. It's kind of relieving to finally put a word to it, what I've been experiencing all these years. And it's relieving to know that there are ways to treat it, a combination of behavioral therapy and medication. I was thinking about my current therapist... she seems very emotion- and feeling-oriented, I don't know if she does this more scientific stuff. But I think that's what would make me feel better, strangely - a doctor treating my condition like a real medical condition. Because it can be fixed. I guess professionalism is something that comforts me. Emotions don't feel ... professional to me. Hm.
SO, I guess I'm dealing with that now. My new exercise routine is going well, it tires me out, jesus, I am so lazy. I hope I can keep this up, god, I need a nice body again. NEED it.
Wish me luck with this shit,



Summer

MFA!

I visited the MFa yesterday. It was absolutely wonderful, I love museums so much. I don't know why - they are so grand, rich, so much history in one small place. D and I found a gorgeous room that both took our breaths away - it had a high ceiling, and red walls filled to the top with golden-framed paintings. Here:

It was such an experience. I also found this great place - it was a corridor right outside of an exhibit, and it was all white, with a huge floor to ceiling window looking out over a street and some trees. There was a nice 60's black couch right in the middle, and all I wanted to do was sit there and read and do homework. There was no people around so it was calm and silent. You know I really like finding places like that. It's special. I think if I design my own house it will be filled with places like that. Damn if I design my own house... it will be the single most amazing thing you've ever seen.




Summer

What Do I Want?

So I've decided to post my What Do I Want? list here. It's such a big step for me, figuring out what I want. I mean, how the hell does anyone know what they want? It's insane, but I'm gonna try. These are thing that I want, me, in my core. I'll keep adding to it as I think of things.

I want...

• To have a fling with a romantic Italian man!
• To hook up with a celebrity. A-List, of course
• To have a family
• To live a life of luxury
• To design my own house
• To learn everything about everything on this planet (haha, serious)

New Lyfe!

SO! Changing my life! I had an eye opening experience this weekend - went away, hung out with a lot of new people, and was a completely different person for a couple days. I realized I need to change. This, whatever I'm doing here, sucks. I realized, rather, realized again, that if I push myself into a uncomfortable situation, I usually have a great time. I am normal, I just don't most of the time.
So, I wanna change. Pushing myself into things is not my favorite, so I'm gonna do it slow. I figure, if I can work on my body, get that comfort and confidence with myself, it will carry over to my mental/social life.

SO MY PLAN:
Eating:
Get salads from whenever I go for lunch and dinner, yogurt parfait for breakfast. Fruit, veggies and hummus for snacks. NO COFFEE, NO CANDY.

Monday: yogurt parfait from yesterday. tea, take in mug. Stop at d.c. and get salad and snack. eat salad in logic. Eat snack in mythology. Stop at d.c. again for dinner salad.

Tuesday: Parfait from yesterday, tea. Stop at healthy living for healthy lunch, or salad at marche. Get salad for dinner and 2 parfaits. Eat dinner after plant bio.

Wednesday: repeat monday.

Thursday: Parfait from yesterday. After pottery, pick up lunch and dinner salad, one parfait.

Friday: repeat wed/mon - but eat during painting period in cyber cafe.

Saturday/Sunday: varies, get food at marche. parfait for monday.



Exercise:
Workout vids for 1 hr, one every morning.
Monday: yoga class.
Sunday: yoga class.
Swimming once a week: after pottery or after counseling.



Well, this plan's a work in progress. Like me!




Summer