GUH.

Well it's that time of year again...
I am incredibly sick of school. Summer is a week and a half away and all I can think of is getting home and being with my family who loves me. Things are getting pretty old pretty fast here. For example, my fatty fucking roommate snores, the two strange queers who live next to me pound on the wall and scream and have gay conversations that I can hear every word of, and the kids on my floor are drunk 24/7 and also pound on my door and walls and scream. So in other words, I haven't gotten a wink of sleep in the last couple of days. I don't know why it's become more apparent now. Maybe just cause I hate everything about my life up here right now. The weather is getting nice up here, which I thought would lift my spirits, but then I tried on my summer clothes.... and I felt like shit once again. It's not like I've gained weight, but it's like the weight has redistributed itself from my thighs and ass to tummy and boobs. So i look really disproportional. I mean not really everything is just exaggerated in my eyes. I mean call me crazy but I think chicks with big thighs and asses and tits on the smaller side are super hot, whereas chicks on the opposite... not so much. Big tits look good when you don't have clothes on, but with clothes, you just look mostly gross. Thats why sluts and porn stars have big tits. And I (who am naturally well-endowed) am not a fucking slut! I hate when guys give me those looks, I thought I'd like it but I feel like such an object. I want to be respected, by men and women alike. ANYWAYS I just don't look hot in tanks and shorts and it was a real blow to my self esteem that I had work so hard building up over the winter. It's so sad that a little pathetic thing like that can ruin your good feeling. I guess I should bring that up with Carmen. sigh. Back to square fucking one.



-Summer

Lea and Jon - HOT

These two have great chemistry and would make a great couple if he didn't play for the other team. A loss to girls everywhere!

(Lurve this pic^)

-Summer

What I Learned Today

Today I learned that one has to be open about themselves, and all of their problems and faults, to make connections with people, to be happy. If you hide you true feelings deep inside and seem perfect all the time, people won't connect with you because you don't seem like a real person. People connect with people who are real. You might fool some with a fake exterior, fake smile, fake "I'm great, how are you?" but you will feel crummy about yourself and everything else, until you can show people what's on the inside. It's a daunting task, but it can be done.
In a personal context, I guess that means for me showing people my feelings, showing them that I get nervous in social situations, that I like my private space, that I have a hard time braking out of my comfort zone, that I have ridiculously high expectations for myself, that I am self-concious about my huge breasts and my tummy. I wish people would like walk around with signs like this on their chest, just so everything is out in the open, and everyone can cut the friggin BS and really get to know one another. Not get to know some fake person you concocted up in your head, or seen in a magazine ad or on tv. That's the problem with society today, all these fake people are shoved down our throats; real people with real issues and real bodies have yet to appear in magazines or tabloids. Like why is that so hard to do? We are surrounded by real people everyday, yet we choose to make the 1 in a billion person who has all their shit together our idol? Now tell me that isn't something wrong with that.
Something really had to change. I think if enough people say something, it will happen. We can do this guys.


Brought to you by GLEE BORN THIS WAY EPISODE
and counseling!!!




-Summer

Been A While...

Gosh I went home for Easter and I feel like I've been gone a month. I really enjoyed it, we went to my Grandmother's house and visited with relatives. It was somewhat bittersweet, because she is selling her beautiful big old house in May, so this was our last family gathering in it forever. I've had so many great memories there, it's been a real big part of my childhood. My dad said to me, "gosh if you were only a couple years older and had a nice husband and some kids, I bet you could get your grandmother to sell it to you for cheap!!" so true. It is my dream house, I would kill to live there. But alas, I am unmarried and plan on staying that way at least for a couple years.
It was the greatest thing, seeing my family and relative, they all noticed how different I looked, both physically (I have lost quite a few lbs!!) and more how I carried myself - they said I look so much more at ease with my body, spoke more freely, and just seemed more chill. And really that meant more than anything, because my family does know me better than anyone, and they realized how much work I have done to change myself and my lifestyles to be healthier and better overall. I'm glad someone realizes it. And now with all this beautiful weather, and these great feelings, I feel I'm on a high, and I don't wanna come down. Summer does indeed look promising.



ONLY THREE MORE WEEKS OF SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



-Summer

Yesterday vs. Today

I, being an old-fashioned girl, would pick the older stars in every single on of these pictures, but that's just me. Some striking similarities....

-Summah

Newsies

Just found an AMAZING artist....


Kristian Matsson a.k.a. The Tallest Man on Earth. A gorgeous young Bob Dylan.

-Summer

Thoughtz

My good friend called me up the other day, and we talked for hours. We haven't been keeping in touch lately, both starting college and all, but I was really happy that she called. I had really forgotten how similar  we are, in ideas, opinions, actions, and most things. I think one of the biggest differences between her and I is that she is more VULNERABLE. She wears her emotions and personality on her sleeve, what you see is what there is. Whereas with me, there are many layers. I think that is why she is better off than I, even though she might not know it right now, with all her boy troubles.
But anyways, as I was talking with her, I started to feel really good about my situation, like, yea, I'm not the only one wit these thoughts!! I'm not totally alone here!! There is someone out there who really cares about me. It gave me hope, that I can live with myself, and still have friends, and function and have a good life. Look at mom. I think she is very very similar to me personality-wise, and look at her amazing life, and how happy she is right now. And she still has so many years to live this great life. With all these great things that I'm learning in therapy, maybe that will help me accept who I am a little faster than mom did, and maybe live an even better life. I have so many talents and interests and possibilities ahead of me... I could do anything.
So, I was going with that train of thought, while simultaneously thinking this one: I don't need therapy!! I don't need to change! Why do I want to be a loud, partying college girl anyways? I should make do with what I have. I always have the tendency to want what I don't have, thinking the grass is always greener on the other side. When sometimes it isn't. Learning to live with what god gave you is one of the biggest lessons everyone has to learn in life, and I shouldn't be an exception. It's hard, yes, but struggle and mistakes are what makes us stronger and builds our character.
So thats where my heads at. I really hope I'm not just trying to justify wanting to stay in my comfort zone  of being shy and hanging out with my old friend...



-Summer

One thing I miss most up here at college is my DOG!!!! Having a little guy around who loves you unconditionally and is soft and warm is therapy. Here are some dogs that I would love to have when I grow up:

St. Bernard - Gentle giants 

Bernese Mountain Dogs - So beautiful and strong

Estrella Mountain Dog

Great Swiss Mountain Dog

Golden Retriever - the classic

English Springer Spaniel - this is the kind of dog we have now, at home. They are probably the best family dogs.

Welsh Springer Spaniel

-Summer

Whenever I think about this blog it makes me want to be a better person, cause all I seem to write about, mostly, is the good life and farming etc etc. But that is a good thing, everyone need inspiration to be a better person.

I feel this counseling thing is giving me a lot of great life lessons, that is going to give me a big step up in my coming life. You know people go through most of their life with out learning these things. I'm very proud of myself that I am taking the time to focus of this stuff now. I'm happy I don't have a boyfriend, or flock of friends,  to distract me from my learning. People my age just kind of give into the desire to be with people all the time, and then never get to spend time with just themselves until their 40's or 50's. Like that Eat Pray Love lady. She says she has never been without a boyfriend since she was 16 or something, and that's the whole reason she does that trip. Same with Under the Tuscan Sun. She takes that trip to find herself. Well, let's just say that I am taking that trip, that trip to Tuscany, Italy, India, and Indonesia... only, I'm 19 instead of 40. I mean, won't life be more fun, living like I'm young when I'm older? And for the majority of my life? These ladies only get the last half of their lives to live well.

But maybe I'm fooling myself. Maybe people go on that self-discovery mission at that age because that is the only time you can. Maybe I'm to young, don't have enough experiences. But I do feel something changing inside, I do feel wiser. I do.

-Summer

Documentaries

Documentaries definetly have their good moments. I've been watching them a lot recently, just because I learn so much about some really interesting, and eye-opening topics.
Some that I've enjoyed recently:

This followed a young guy as he lived the good life, traveling down to gorgeous Patagonia by any means necessary, meeting beautiful Easter Island girls on the way, and learning good life lessons from the two guys who founded the actual Patagonia clothing company itself, who do a lot of environmental work in Chile.

This was great. It was exhilarating to know you are listening to Banksy but not actually knowing who he is. It brings up some great questions of, what is art? Can anyone make art? People often tap into the mainstream trends and make millions, without having any talent. The pop art, graffiti art that Banksy created that is popular today has definitely been taken advantage of. This definitely deserved it's globe nomination.

Super Size Me!!! It created a lot of hype when it first came out, and for a good reason,  it's good to see the truth about fast food out in the open. But... look at us today. We totally ignored the conclusions this guy came to. It's pathetic.

King Corn. I have a little crush on these guys, they are so cute. They look into the world of corn and specifically corn syrup, which is the main ingredient of most of our food nowadays. It's another bash on these huge companies, which is good. They are destroying our American freedom. There is a hilarious scene where they try to make corn syrup, and it's mostly chemicals, and really weird processes.

So interesting! This was originally a book by Michael Pollen, and it  looks into four plants: apples, potatoes, tulips, and WEED, which have become huge parts of human culture, and how complex our relationship is with them. He suggests that maybe it's not us who are the benefactors of this relationship, but it is the plants - we have transported them al over the world, and helped continue their species enormously.

More to come!!


-Summer

Update on the Battle with Weight...

So it's been a while, but I wanted to give an update. I had to stop buying fresh produce from the market because it was draining my bank account like nothing. So now I have to make do with campus food, which I thought would be difficult, but is easier that I expected. They have little tubs of hummus, some white wheat pita pockets, and I just take greens from the salads they have and use those in place of veggies. It works well and is very delicious. The problem is breakfast... I miss my flax cereal, it was so delicious. They have disgusting cereals here, captain crunch, etc. So that's been a struggle. I've also found I've been grabbing a chocolate bar or m&ms at the checkout counter without even thinking. And now i'm beginning to crave something sweet after every meal. It's bad. I was in that habit at home, and I had finally gotten out of it. Another thing to work on, aw well.
Another discovery of mine is SUSHI!! It's freakin delicious I can't believe i've never tried it before. Of course they don't have real raw fish, but they do have little rolls with cucumber, cream cheese, avocado, crab meat, and others. It seems really healthy to me, although I did look and the calories can be quite astronomical. There is one kind that i've heard about, called the Philadelphia roll, that is smoked salmon, cream cheese and avocado, which sounds heavenly, but they don't have any. *pout*.  I feel like I'm turning into one of the bimbos on The Hills or somethings gosh.
Yet another discovery, or rediscovery rather, is V8 juice. So delicious. I don't know how people can saw they don't like it, ti's salty and lemony and so good for you. Definitely a pot of gold!

So, I'm working on it. I feel like I'm obsessed with food now, and it's all I think about. Maybe it's my mind's way of distracting me from other things... But I still feel like it's unhealthy, mind wise. Food shouldn't be the first thing on peoples minds, it should be having fun, learning, skiing, parties, rock climbing, family, your future, your garden, your dog, your farm. NOT FOOD. It's so sad and pathetic and unhealthy this stupid culture of ours. Why is it so goddamned hard to live a good life in this culture??? It's not right.


-Summer

Contemplating things...

I wonder if it's normal that all I'm taking this long to adjust to college. I'm out of my comfort zone completely, and I keep trying to crawl back into it and get myself away from this scary new place. That's why I want to go home all the time, and keep thinking about my childhood, and talk to mom and dad more than people here. (To be fair, I tried smiling at Jackson when we passed each other yesterday, and he saw me and deliberately looked away immediately. I was like wow.)
I feel like I need some sort of life-changing experience to snap myself out of it and get myself to appreciate UVM and what it has to offer. But on the other hand, maybe I need to STOP RUNNING AWAY and deal with this. Thats why I'm in therapy after all. I need to find ways to live a happy life while still feeling comfortable, and that might mean learning to widen my comfort zone a little, or break out of it sometimes.
But gosh doesn't a trip across the country sound nice? Windows down, sunglasses on, tearing up rt. 66... Just get out. See some new stuff. Experience some new things. But... remember how I wanted to do that before, and signed up for all these trips that were actually really painful and uncomfortable?? But I've change since then haven't I? I'm not that shy little girl any more am I, I've grown, learned some pretty great life lessons. Right?
Maybe little trips to Topside by myself would quench some of the thirst. Maybe expeditions into the woods, with Rob, setting up our own shelter and finding our own food for a couple of nights... Maybe just some projects around the house.... no thats to vanilla. I need some SPICE.

More ideas for spice to come....



- Summer

Dreams That Cheer Me Up

My own Bramasole.

A farm in the woods, with horses and cows and a dog who loves me.

My own colorful, full of sunshine loft/art studio

-Summer