matt revisited

I went to see matt today, to catch up on some payroll business, and he said that he thought of me the other day, when he found an article on hands...haha matt. He was talking about how people worked harder at his old school, people here seem lazy, this generation is all about instant gratification... i mean, he wasn't that whiney. but i feel like he has really, really, high standards. He was like, send over some of your work if you want to get into an intermediate class! the first thing that came to my mind was those blobs that i made in like 3rd grade... ahhhh he would be like, ooohhhh. he said that theres a big different between craft studios and college credit level ceramics classes.... i guess obviously. but now i hesitate about taking a class. i also think about his mind set towards student teacher relationship, which i so desperatly want to have, yes still, not as intense as before... i feel like that is such a no-no, i doubt it even crosses his mind. I remember though that one time when we were talking and i leaned my head against the doorjamb... come hither, right? It was one of those tings i just did. But i kind of remember him looking at me, puzzled, and i bet he realized for the first time that i was, i dont know, sexualized in some way, attracted to him, whatever. I bet hes like, ah, just another school girl crush. That happens to me all the time. cause im studly and have a melting smile and sparkling smily eyes. Killing me...

"fun" day

Today was fun day at my school. It was a perfect clear sunny day in the 60s. There were bands and food on the green and everyone was lounging on blankets. So naturally, I closed my blinds for the first time this entire semester, locked my door, got into my comfiest clothes, put some snacks of my bedside table, and watched game of thrones all day. Naturally. I wouldn't have been able to stand it, I would the only person alone walking through campus wearing jeans and a teeshirt instead of cuttoffs and bikinis. The funny part is, a section of me feels bad that im not participating....but the majority of me is like, girl, you have a damn comfy bed and anyways, the world needs a little color, a little range to make things go round. Life would be boring for everyone if it wasn't, and most of all life for ME would be incredibly boring. day drinking has its place, man.

my daddy

my daddy visited me today. he just drove over for the day. it was actually really nice - i think he is so similar to me, that i feel like i can tell him how im really feeling, as well as the things he says about life, i feel like they really apply to me, sometimes they are hard truths, but so so necessary. i just feel like ive lived a couple more years after he leaves and hes imparted his wisdom to me. for example, it doesnt matter what the hell you do in life, theres no "right" path for you, right way to go, as long as you do something. dont focus on the right thing, and focus on what you like. you can change jobs if you want. you can always change.... im blabbling i dont even know why im writing. im just worried about funday tomorrow... ug i hate having to exclude myself and feeling different... all i want/NEED to do tomorrow is go to the library and get shit done but ill probably end up watching movies in my bed all day. maybe ill go on a hike! oooh. i like that. it going to be a gorgeous weekend. i wish i could get outside and not have to worry about people - another point for the country id say. ug. so matt said he liked my taste in music and he wants my ipod, so i made an especial mix for if i am ever in the pottery studio again and that matt might hear. i was lucky because i had put on a kind of oldies the other day...if it was another, like june jubilee or those carmixes he would probably fire me.... but is it weird for a girl of my age to like old music? dont normal girls listen to pop-y stuff? i guess thats make me different. but in a good way? listen to me, different in a good way, like hipster. so ridiculus. i hate what pop culture has done to my brain. wish i was raised by wolves.

Tom + Sex

Reading all this fan stuff on tumblr about tom h.... holy moly its intense. I thought i got obsessed about people, these girls are off their rockers... like all this really sexually explicit stuff, geez... it made me realize, yea i have thoughts like that too, just based on someone's looks, but this is a real person, he is his own person... i cant 'love' him, i have no idea who he is. This thing i have with a person only being their exteriors, its horrible. each person is really individual, i think because i have no idea how I am individual in this world yet i have a huge respect for people who do know and have a firm grasp of themselves. I feel like in order to be an actor, you have to know who you are so you can become another person onscreen, and still revert back to the same old guy at the end of the day...god it must be taxing, you are faking all day! How nice to just be yourself. I realized one thing about myself that I don't that much about is my sexuality... growing up that was a taboo subject in my my really old fashioned family... i didnt know much about it, i dont talk about it, i dont explore my needs... everyone has them, why is so taboo? I just need an outlet, gosh there so much NEED inside of me... i need to let it out somehow... its gotten to the point where when i'm aroused it is physically PAINFUL. it hurts! jesus. i am blushing just writing this. just to get it onto paper, lets address my s&m fantasies... getting controlled sexually is what does it for me, pretty much the only thing. Having a guy so overcome with lust for ME that he can't help himself... animalistic desires... non-consent, reluctance, i used to think i was having rape fantasies but i was reading, it was really interesting, about how the only difference between s&m and rape is that a rapist gets off on the pain and fear and non-consent of the victim, while s&m it only works when both people consent. of course i googled the psychology of s&m... it said that s&m can stem from insecurities, fear/disgust of anything sexual, the masochist can want satisfaction though dependency, they also might want superiority, paradoxically. maybe i like it because i dont have to be the one deciding what to do in this area that i know nothing about... but jesus whatever it is, it's so powerful, and those thoughts do so much to my body, when thoughts have a physical reaction... im going into the studio tomorrow. im hoping i won't be strange around matt, seeing as i just penned a fantasy of us doing it in his office... jeez. im wearing a pink shirt tomorrow, girly, maybe he'll see me as such... girl=sex, right?


-s

Longing

I think I am projecting all the guys I want to be with onto matt right now. Because matt is the only guy i have any sort of relationship with. colton haynes, who is an angel, t hiddleston, matt goode ( i like brits) are my obsessions at the moment, they consume me and i cant help but want them, i need them, i just need anyone... and matt is there. i keep having crazy fantasies about him and i, late at night in his office... i know that he is professional, mum said the other day that he's just looking out for himself... he would be disgusted at the proposition, and he would turn me down and all he would get from it is a little ego boost, and my entire life would be ruined, and i probably would die. I need to remember at time like these that the only single reason that i am at interested in matt is that THERE IS NO ONE ELSE. he shouldn't flatter himself and i shouldn't act on it. but jesus i just cant help but think, what if he is like that, has those thoughts... i just research extensively student-teacher affairs. s doesn't seems to have a policy... people say it never end well. well, obviously. they say its usually not allowed if you are in the same dept or they might have any influence on your academics. god, how pathetic do i sound right now?? I just, guys understand me, i cant get off this because there is a possibility, however fucking small, that this could happen!!! Maybe hes going through a midlife crisis and needs a distraction, no one really knows why he left illinios... maybe im attractive in an 80s sense, even though im not really conventionally attractive, or really attractive at all, but maybe i remind him of the old days, maybe i could be a distraction, a faceless distraction who would be tossed out on the street as soon as he's lived out his fantasies, left there, totally empty and used up and wasted with nothing left inside because i had given it all away to an older guy who only pretended to care about me and was really thinking about his wife or something else all those nights. I feel like thats how it would turn out, i feel like thats all i expect out of a relationship, its gotten to the point where i almost want that too... i'd take anything, even fake feelings, any feelings are good feelings, any touches are good touches....

Reflecting

I just got back from drawing where we got covered head to toe in powdered charcoal, after which I got dinner and shoved two pieces of pizza and a piece of pie down my throat, then took a shower, then I got here and I don't think I've moved for a whole hour. I just need some time to get my legs back under me - introvert 100%. I've been thinking a lot about how other see me, how they interact with me, not just in the usual self conscious way thinking that everyone judges me which I still think. I think I must come off as a little weird, in the most generic way - I think I might come off, as unaware of the world around me, I don't joke with people a lot, I don't directly reference myself, I'm not totally open an open book, I don't put my feelings out there, I don't fool around... I think that can come off to people as slow, dull, boring... but god is it not boring? I'm bored by people like that. That, my friends, is how much I've been brainwashed by society. I don't even recognize my own personality traits as normal or natural even though I HAVE THEM and therefore they ARE natural and they DO happen. It's just sad. I can't get over feeling that my life is so pathetic... I had a rare flash the other day of looking back on this time in my life, I felt removed from it, I could see a girl who didn't have many friends or much of a life and who got her stimulation from the internet and movies and books, and who was so consumed by it. It was nice to at least feel that time period when I was out of this mess my life is in right now. Who this young has such a shitty lonely life? Makes me not look forward to the rest of it. Today i lost matts flash drive, and I found it in the lib, i had just left it there, i just forgot it. I am such an idiot. i cant even count the number of times he told me how fucking valuable that drive was, and not to lose it... i just fucking left there. I didnt mean to do that, I wish i didnt, im sorry. j came it when matt and i were talking and he lightens the mood and we were all joking around and i just didnt want to leave, i felt so part of something i felt like a friend to them, someone trusted, someone loved... i havnt felt that way in so long, so long, even though it was only for maybe a minute...

t + m revisited

I take it back. They look exactly the fucking same. Holy. look at his gif webiste on tumblr. The 1882 photo shoot... I think they have the same scruffy beard. Wow. I have a t.h. lookalike at my school, teaching my classes and making me fall in love with him... its not too hard. t.h and m.w for ever >>>>

t + m

For some reason in my little mind tom hid. and matt have the same allue. I think they look similar. They have the same eyes, the same mischievous look, a great smile... I think its the smile with both of them, when matt smiles its literally the greatest thing on the planet, and just being able to witness that with both of them... it makes you feel like youre special in some way...what neglect or horrible event happened to me as a child so I have to be constantly loved and the center of attention and worshipped? Maybe becuase Im spoiled, and I have been my whole life. My life isnt hard, its...too easy. wow. A little hardship...it brings out the best in me, I show myself and others what I can do. My true colors come out. I wish I could come out of my comfort zone a little more often. I might have to resort to purposfully injuring myself just to have a little excitement in my life. Ive actually thought about that. I look back at my posts before my accident and I was so incredibly pathetic. I probably would have died of loneliness and boredom if nothing had happened... Its just so sad. How can a life be so horrible and lonely and sad? Just breathe and think of matt smiling at you....
-s

A similar post

I keep having this fantasy where i come into the pottery studio, just like I'm checking in with matt about work or something, and i have on that tight shirt i got, and jeans or maybe a nice skirt and hair and makeup impeccably done, and julian comes up and hes like wow youre dressed up where are you going and im whisper to him I have a date, and then hes yells out p has a daaaaate to the whole studio then i go to matts office and j says to matt p has a date tonight doesnt she look great? I bet that would jsut be super awkward for matt tho. Im a student, hes a teacher. im pathetic. this whole thing is pathetic. i dont actually want to have SEX with matt. that would be gross. i think im still a fifth grader in that perspective by thinking sex is gross. Ive never had a good experience with sex. i think i just want him to want me. I want to say that someone amazing liked me, i want to have that power... hm. revealing.
-s

a post w/o reason

I wonder why he talks to me, he seems so open? Does he enjoy it? I feel like I just ask questions and the just sit there and let him answer them. But people like talking about themselves don't they? Maybe not if it's to a little girl who is weird and shady and you know nothing about. I found out his wifes name is melanie. pretty huh. He must call her mel. I mean, matt's just the most normal seeming guy on the planet, maybe a little more badass, cool, and creative than most but mostly normal. I wonder how they met you know? Is melanie normal too? Are most people normal and they find other normal people to settle down with and love isn't really this huge incredible lightning flash of incredible feeling it's just wanting someone to talk to at night when everything is quiet and when you could feel like you are the only person on the planet and you question whether you really exist or not but then you feel their warmth beside you and you hear their slow breaths and you know at least one person on this huge entire planet cares if you are there or not. Just one, it can make all the difference. Matt was talking about hurting his back once and how he just wanted everything to be better because he had lots of work to do and he just wanted a miracle, but he said i guess the bodys really not like that. And its true, i think so much of our identities are associated with our brains, our thoughts, but the body is a big part too. It cant come up with all these bullshit emotions that make us do stupid things, but it is dependable, strong, resistant. Stupid fucking brains life would be so much simpler without them. We could focus on the basics. How to calm your thoughts and live simply? Practice? Putting yourself in a simple situation with a cabin in the woods? Living life, learning that thoughts get you in trouble? Feelings get you in trouble? feelings for an incredible married man who is smart and talented and actually notices your existence and notices when you speak and is upset when something bad happens to me? People enjoy being around extroverts though, dont they. Its fun easy, exciting, engaging, no awkward silences. With introverts, its just more effort for things to not be awkward. Why be when an introvert when you can have fun with an extrovert? its a no brainer. I wouldn't pick me. If i'm normal, a run of the mill girl... why normal guy would pick me then? Hopeless. I keep thinking about someday wearing that tight peplum shirt i got today to the pottery studio... has matt ever thought of it? Have i really? Would he if he saw me? Does seeing boobs and a small waist make him think of sex, like is that all it takes? Is he that shallow, its almost insulting. Although I"m not saying pursue it, I'm saying think, a fleeting though. Thats all, that would make me so happy it I knew it crossed his mind...I keep thinking about archer and how that kind of guy turns me on. 100% dick, selfish, asshole, uses women, disrespectful... why. why in the hell. it's something like, because he likes sex and is sexual and sleeps with, well, anything, I know i would have a chance... its an easy target. I wouldnt have to coax it out of him. But is sex all i want? The few times you've had it have sucked. isnt love, caring what i want? its not like im pursuing one or the other though, my life isnt heading way down the wrong path. It isnt really going anywhere to be honest. I havnt picked a path, ive found a place on the path thats agreeable and ive decided to hang around for a bit. Where am i going so fast anyway. A path indicates that one is on their way somewhere...what, death? Why are we hurrying? I just see it as, if im comfortable, why fuck it up. how often do we find people that love us an some place that we feel safe. how fucking often. My rationale for life at this moment. I just found out that the father of an incredible guy that h and i met on our cross country trip is dying. hes on life support and their pulling the plug in a couple days. We had dinner at the guys house, and that dinner was literally one of the highlights of the trip, the mum and dad were such a great couple, so hilarious, the dad was really quiet and smiling and nice and the mom was a loose cannon, lous, hilarious. I remember , when he was driving us home, he said god they are too insane, and I said, yea, but I think they even eachother out. And he was quiet and said yea i think you're right, i never thought of that. And now, the mum won't have her other half, her balancer in life... life's unfair i soppose. My whole heart is in santa fe right now.

-s

Scaring Myself

Sometimes I scare myself, I do things I don't understand. Now for exaple. It's 4:40am and I just woke up craving a poptart, so I got up and felt totally high or something, and now im on tumblr and 9gag and doing nothing. and jsut now, i was looking at my stickies, and i found this: box with red angry inside, sickly sweet outside. What the hell is thatand where did it come from? I have literally no recollection of it. It gets me thinking about my medication, is it really the right thing for me? IM lazy, tired, forgetful. This is so idiotic. I need sleep.

M.M. (more matt)

It's bad. I saw him again today, I dont even known if im physically attracted to him...is it just the idea? no, i most definetly attracted to him. Its just that smile... when he laughs at one of my jokes i literally melt inside. I think he caught me trying to steal a glance at the picture of his family on his desk today... embarrasing. How does he see me? I try to see myself through his eyes, I think im pretty boring, in reality. Hes asked me like 100 times what my major is, i think im forgettable, you know? not very pretty, not very funny... i just dont know. I am who I am, what can i do?  Iwas thinking about making art similar to his, mechanical, body-related, etc, so he would be impressed with me. I think what would impress an artist is coming up with your own style or idea. Matt is an artist, he spent his whole life with ceramics. I really want to ask him about his creative process. I just want to sit down and chat. Really, i want to do that with anyone really. Its interesting, i seem more likely to strike up convos with my teacher, rather than peers... im not scared of adults i think. Art teachers seem to be the most chill, i love both trish and matt. i kind of want to be an artist. I keep having these fantasies of coming in 10 years, 5 years, a couple years down the road, with an adorable baby girl in my arms, coming in to say hi to matt and see the old place, there nothing sexual about that, itd more be like two friends saying hi. I am the age where I can be friends with adults. im 2 fucking 1 for christs sake. This idea of making advances on a teacher seems so foreign to me, how would you even go about it? do they go about it, not you? I have no idea, but apparently it happens? i wish it would, i love guys in power. um. I think i just want someone. this matt thing isnt really intense. I'm just lonely.

-smr

matt2

Saw matt again today...we talked for like an hour! he asked me about family, we talked about siblings, and his....daughters....they are 2 and 5. He seems like a really protective, good dad. I was he was my dad... he was my husband... i have weird male issues that i cant quite identify but thats another story. I think i just am attracted to him because he seems to care about me, he lost sleep over me! He seems to care if i'm here or not, whether its in a friendly way, a fatherly way, a teacherly way, or an interested way...another way... if matt made some sort of a move on you what exactly would you do? probably giggle my way out of te door withtout saying a word. its funny i tried to get all serious and not a goofy smile on my face near the end of our convo, but i think i just looked mad or sad. i dont have a good...face...when im not smiling. Anyways, if anything, i appriciate that someone here in new york cares about my well being. i am thankful to whom ever that may be.

Mental

i like the mentalist... rather, i did, it was one of my obsessions, but now jane is kind of like james, i had a moment of realization in class today - snobby, egotistical... but in the show today everyone kept saying, you cant be alone, its the worst thing in the world to be alone. And, at first i disagreed... but its true. i thought it was stressful / awful socializing, but now, after almost my entire college career, ive realized that the alternative is much, much worse. also, my hand hurts more than ever before, the wound opened up. i love oxy, it helps me sleep and makes me feel fluffy. i hope i dont get addicted. i did some hw today, i feel good about that, and mum sent me an easter package - it was just like home... i miss old traditions at home, my childhood... i idealize but not too much. shes offering to come visit this weekend... as much as i dont want to be a bother i would love that more than anything in this  world. i need someoe to hold my hand during this hard time. and since i dont have a friend... my mum is close enough. better, i would  argue. h was talking today about boyfriend troubles...i can visualize it, but i cant feel it... ive never felt those pains of love. i bets it saves me a lot, i dont think i would fare tat well in the wars of love, i think im too, i dont know, caring? i smelled spring today, the breeze was strong and there was a light rain - now there something i understand, nature.