Reflecting

I just got back from drawing where we got covered head to toe in powdered charcoal, after which I got dinner and shoved two pieces of pizza and a piece of pie down my throat, then took a shower, then I got here and I don't think I've moved for a whole hour. I just need some time to get my legs back under me - introvert 100%. I've been thinking a lot about how other see me, how they interact with me, not just in the usual self conscious way thinking that everyone judges me which I still think. I think I must come off as a little weird, in the most generic way - I think I might come off, as unaware of the world around me, I don't joke with people a lot, I don't directly reference myself, I'm not totally open an open book, I don't put my feelings out there, I don't fool around... I think that can come off to people as slow, dull, boring... but god is it not boring? I'm bored by people like that. That, my friends, is how much I've been brainwashed by society. I don't even recognize my own personality traits as normal or natural even though I HAVE THEM and therefore they ARE natural and they DO happen. It's just sad. I can't get over feeling that my life is so pathetic... I had a rare flash the other day of looking back on this time in my life, I felt removed from it, I could see a girl who didn't have many friends or much of a life and who got her stimulation from the internet and movies and books, and who was so consumed by it. It was nice to at least feel that time period when I was out of this mess my life is in right now. Who this young has such a shitty lonely life? Makes me not look forward to the rest of it. Today i lost matts flash drive, and I found it in the lib, i had just left it there, i just forgot it. I am such an idiot. i cant even count the number of times he told me how fucking valuable that drive was, and not to lose it... i just fucking left there. I didnt mean to do that, I wish i didnt, im sorry. j came it when matt and i were talking and he lightens the mood and we were all joking around and i just didnt want to leave, i felt so part of something i felt like a friend to them, someone trusted, someone loved... i havnt felt that way in so long, so long, even though it was only for maybe a minute...