It's bad. I saw him again today, I dont even known if im physically attracted to him...is it just the idea? no, i most definetly attracted to him. Its just that smile... when he laughs at one of my jokes i literally melt inside. I think he caught me trying to steal a glance at the picture of his family on his desk today... embarrasing. How does he see me? I try to see myself through his eyes, I think im pretty boring, in reality. Hes asked me like 100 times what my major is, i think im forgettable, you know? not very pretty, not very funny... i just dont know. I am who I am, what can i do? Iwas thinking about making art similar to his, mechanical, body-related, etc, so he would be impressed with me. I think what would impress an artist is coming up with your own style or idea. Matt is an artist, he spent his whole life with ceramics. I really want to ask him about his creative process. I just want to sit down and chat. Really, i want to do that with anyone really. Its interesting, i seem more likely to strike up convos with my teacher, rather than peers... im not scared of adults i think. Art teachers seem to be the most chill, i love both trish and matt. i kind of want to be an artist. I keep having these fantasies of coming in 10 years, 5 years, a couple years down the road, with an adorable baby girl in my arms, coming in to say hi to matt and see the old place, there nothing sexual about that, itd more be like two friends saying hi. I am the age where I can be friends with adults. im 2 fucking 1 for christs sake. This idea of making advances on a teacher seems so foreign to me, how would you even go about it? do they go about it, not you? I have no idea, but apparently it happens? i wish it would, i love guys in power. um. I think i just want someone. this matt thing isnt really intense. I'm just lonely.
-smr
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