Things Found in Nature

I've realized that I'm....... god I forgot what I was going to write. f. That I'm what.... judgmental, stuck up, think I'm better than everyone, selfish...honestly these are the things that come to mind.Ah-ha i got it. it's much less harsh than that.  I was thinking how I think that I love the outdoors so much because it remind me of home. I have some sort of nostalgic obsession with my home, and anything that reminds me of it, it just fills me with such peace, such happiness, such confirmation that everything is going to be ok because I have a place like that in my life. Right now I have the Ox Cart Man and Yonder sitting on my bookshelf... I dont read them much but whenever i see them or even think of them i'm filled with that same, love, it's love. It sad that love is only a feeling i can access through memory, i cant feel it in person...  how does it feel to love and be loved, in the moment? a romantic love, not familial? I bet its great. Can you guys tell me? I want to imagine it, because I think thats as close as I will ever get.

Why Not Me?

A Judds classic. Love those gals. I remeber our old babysitter hated them for some reason. Haha.
But really: why the fuck not? I cannot figure out what I'm doing? Can someone tell me. My bestest friend from my childhood got in touch with me recently, and i was looking at her fb... she has this great boyfriend, likes the things she does, she is pretty and fit, she keeps in touch with all our old buddies from school, is friends with tons or gorgeous guys... idk. but you know? WHY NOT ME? why am I so so so alone? is it  prettiness? is it personality? Do i push people away? Am i cold? how can i be cold when all i want in this world is to be surrounded by people who love me? how can i do things i dont know about? how can a person not be fully aware of the things they say or do? do i have some sort of weird mental illness? What is going on.... I feel like this has gone on long enough. I'm so sick of this fighting with myself Sick to death.

The Touch

I had a weird experience yesterday. I was in art, and we are painting self portraits. My teacher (an older woman mind you) came over to give me some tips on my painting. She starting drawing on the photo of me I'm using as a guide, tracing the lines of my face and shoulders... and I got the weirdest feeling, it was like someone was actually touching me, or that someone was paying that close attention to my body... I honestly haven't had anyone do that in years. It wasn't sexual necessarily, but it was moving. That's kind of pathetic isn't it. It just makes me think of how fucking incredible it will be when I finally actually hook up with someone again. In real life this time. Anyways, weird I know, but I need to put it somewhere so I'll stop thinking about it. So in other news, the big Halloween dance is coming up this weekend and, as per usual, I am making plans to get the fuck out of here. Even though, huh, it might be fun to have a fun night, or huh, I do have an actual costume in mind (spanish dancer!) but nope. I just don't like the idea, it's a lot of preassure. And plus, I can't stay here this weekend and not join in the festivities because literally, everyone goes to this dance. Everyone. So, t-side it is. No way I'm going home either. Kind of done with that place. Plus, doesn't that sound nice? T-side and I have a long history of my being there alone, its kind of my thing. I think it's going to be rainy, so fireplace, tea, books, paints, some homework, movies... all without drunk, slutty idiots everywhere I look. I was thinking that it might be kind of spooky to be there near Halloween all alone... but in Maine Farm, they were saying how Halloween is just when souls return to their previous dwellings, to come out of the cold and enjoy warmth and a good meal. That isn't so bad is it? The whole idea of honoring the dead is so interesting, it is such an old concept and something that is totally not done anymore. Life nowadays has no mystery, no superstition, no excitement really. It's all explained, all scentific. I'm guilty of liking that strait forwardness, in all honesty, i dont know if it's just my personality or the times. 'The Times' that is such a important idea that we ahve been discussing in a lot of my classes - how it is the time not the person who is responsible for their actions. It's funny because I honestly think it's a bit of both. This idea of academia, of scholars trying to figure out why we act what we do, and explaining everything, is so funny, it's so, just, unnecessary. WHO CARES let's just live. I doubt humans could survive if we had nothing to do. We are such a strange species. Ah, the questions of life.

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Thinking of High School

Looking through some old fb photos. It was just hard. Seeing all those people whom I used to have relationships with, who I used to hate, who I used to date, who I hooked up with, whose secrets I know... I was a complete person then, I knew people and they knew me. And I guess I just dont feel like a complete person now. I'm just different. I dont have that many friends. its sad to think that i let those people in the photos fall out of my life. I'm pretty stuck up when you think about it. Why did i think i was so much better than all those people who i didnt like in hs? Maybe thats why I dont have any friends. I really shouldnt worry about my past... but when I think about it, I always have to give up the rest of the day because I just cant go on, i'm too sad, i feel so bad abou myself. for who i was then and who i am now. how does one survive then? who you are is your past your present and your future. You cant have just one.

No Dreams to Report

I was dreamless last night. At least this pattern of me dreaming about rejection is broken. I like to say pattern, because it makes me think like I can predict it in some way, but in reality, the brain is so goddam mysterious. Why do I dream what I dream when I dream it? WHY? It's so weird. One of the great philosophers thought dreams were your subconscious trying to tell you something. I agree about the subconscious part, but I don't think it means anything... it is just some random thought or experience that happened to you or your thought of that means nothing and your brain is going with that idea and elaborating on it a little. Or a lot. It's so strange. What would an alien think of dreams... "yea, while we are unconscious are brain makes up situations, random as hell, and makes us think we are in those situation even though they have nothing to do with reality." So weird. I think the fact that I had two dream, probably more in the past, about getting rejected means something. I think there some sick pleasure I get from feeling it. I think it's some complicated thing about me that I don't really understand... maybe my good guy subconscious is trying to work through it a little while I sleep. Aw. Thanks, subconscious.


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So Much To Say...

I sit here with so much to say but no words to say them with. So much to tell, no one to tell it to. So much I want to do, no confidence to do it with. So much in this world I do not have. Would my life be better if I had all the things I want, right now, if I had a genie in a lamp and I got all three wishes? Would I be happy and complete for the rest of my life? I always come back to HOD syndrome, I think I'd get that. I think the journey is what life consists of. This right now, me trying to figure out how to live is part of it. This isn't just some tiny forgettable bleep in my divine plan to get everything I want. I'll probably remember this part in my life more than if I come across money later on. So what I have to do is keep trying for my goal, but making sure I never achieve it. Hm. Or keep trying new things that are hard and difficult so things are interesting. The end result isn't being famous or a billionaire. The end result, truthfully, is the grave.



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Another Dream

Another dream about rejection.... what is wrong with me?

And Andre-esqe guy is staying with us, unexpectedly. Something about finding him near the raspberry patch. We are all talking downstairs, he has gone up to wills room to rest. Its me, h, mum and a bunch of other ladies. I can tell h likes him, she doesn't have to say it. I go upstairs and lay next to him. H likes you, I say. Really? he says. he seems shocked, the happy kind. Then the gaggle comes upstairs and sees me in bed with him. They look suspicious. I feel them thinking I am betraying H. I get up. H sits on the edge of the bed, and he takes her hand and looks at her, and formulates what he's going to say, Im just looking at his face, i have such a picture. he's not a fake or anything, his emotions are so real, as he is figuring out how to say to this girl that he knows she likes him, and that he likes her back. its so touching and i feel all those feels right in my core. He starts to say something to her, but I leave the room, brush by the ladies at the door and hurry downstair, taking them 3 at a time. I go in the kitchen and eat raspberries. There is an interlude which I can't remember... the house is quiet and I want with all my heart to go upstairs again and lay next to him. I walk upstairs. H comes out of her room and whispers, shhhhh hes sleeping in your room. My heart flutters at the thought of him in my bed. But she is so insistent, shhh, p, shhhh, and finally I yell really loud, i probably did in real life too, SHUT UP!!!! and I storm into wills room. I wonder if I woke him. Then I go into my room, and pretend to be getting some clothes. I keep sneaking glances to see if he's woken and seen me. Han come in behind me. She sits on the edge of the bed, and as she does, he opens his eyes and they are right on hers and his whole face lights up in the purest happiness I have ever seen. And then, I woke up.

That feeling, that feeling of being tossed aside for another, being the second best, being the friend, or the sister; never the ONE. It is such a bittersweet hole in the center of my heart. I want for a guy to show up unexpectedly in our house and be taken by ME. Overwhelmed, dazed, tongue-tied. And once, for the first time in my life, H, or K would be the jealous one, and I the lucky one. Just once, I'd be ok.

There was once in my life where I thought a guy had picked me over K. I felt so special, so gloriously bad. But then I found out that all along, while he had been cheating on her with me, he was also cheating on me with her. Why did I think he was different? Why did I think this would be the one miraculous time when a guy would choose me over K? The time only written and spoken about and never actually occurring? This isn't dreamland, P. Get real. You're not special! You're not dazzlingly pretty, not unusually smart and witty, no special gift to speak of - not memorable. H is strong, hard headed, no bullshit, knows what she wants and doesn't hesitate to kick ass to get it. K is incredibly compassionate, adheres impeccably to a set of admirable morals, is up for anything, always smiling, the best friend on the planet, always talking, always complementing, always happy. And what am I? No one KNOWS me. I haven't let anyone get to know who I am inside. So how can anyone like me and fall in love with me? How....do I let people know me? Why isn't anything easy for me? Why can't I be an amiable person?

..........What I am doing wrong?



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Dream

Lord, my dreams....

So, my pottery teacher matt. One day before class, this girl Rachel that I've met a couple times and her pretty sweedish friend and I were laying on this mattress that was lying in the middle of our pottery room. The room is similar to the current one but it was just a little bit different… He came in and layed down with us. He was his usual nonchalant, fidgety, unconcious self, but he was saying some really suggestive things. Like how he got involved with a student once but he said it was a bad idea, but that it was hard for him not to… he would touch us casually, well just Rachel and her friend. Then Rachel and her friend got up. They were kind of hollow with no emotion. So they got up then it as just me and matt… he briefly touched my shoulder and back, just because there was nothing else to touch, but then he realized they were gone and it was me, and got up. Then when he was gone, I said to the other girls, that was the most sexual experience ive ever had with a teacher. And there like, yea hes like that. Later, after something in the middle of my dream, I come back to the studio and it's totally full except for a kick wheel, and I ask matt to come show me how to work it, cause maybe I can get him interested in me. But he blows me of and says, it’s a kick wheel. you kick it. and then sighs heavily and says fiiiiiiiiiiine ill show you. He points at some stuff then leaves, asap. 

Tthat feeling of getting rejected, im even dreaming about it now? Why aren’t my dreams happy, ones where im loved and in love? Does rejection feel better than love to me now? How sad. 

Also I dream about a lot of older guys....

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Contemplating Previous Lives

To be in love – I can only imagine. I feel like ive felt all the feelings of the world before, I wonder if its just cause I can imagine them really well, or I lived them all in a previous life. What was my previous life I wonder, was it fulfilling, did I live well? Was I ever happy? Maybe the powers that be are giving me this path to happiness early because I did find it last time. Maybe I lived in the city and did drugs and was an alchoholic, maybe I was black, maybe i come from a long line of African drummers, maybe I was dependant on all those things and I was miserable and I didn’t find happiness cause I died early. But inside was an amzing person, inside was a genious, just like me, inside, it is hidden, but it is there. Now in this life I have all the things the old me didn’t, I have family, live in the country, have power to not give in to drugs and alcohol, have the money to do some things, and I have been shown the path to enlightenment, to happiness, early in my life. I deserve it after all the things ive been through. What did I do before that one, was I miserable too, or was I happy? For some reason I feel like I was never famous, I was never in a position of power, dominating. I was the medicine woman, I was the sage, I was the nun, maybe a mother superior. Wise and unassuming. Good. I feel like I was always a woman. I feel like, at least at this point in this life, I nevre had much of a lover, I found solace in other women. No, no, I feel like I always had lovers. Forbidden lovers. That’s so exciting to me. Maybe in one life I was a seductress. I guess what I would have been was a WOMAN, through and through, who used her feminine powers to their fullness. Powers of seduction, powers of healing, powers of compassion. Girl power man. Women rule the world.

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Dreams

Whenever I look at ZsaZsa's blog I always go into daydream mode and I can't stop dreaming. To try to get them out of my head so I can focus on hw.... here they are...

I dream the most handsome man at school, comes up to me tomorrow and introduces himself, and tells me I'm beautiful. He is tall, has incredible eyes, a deep voice, tan, well-spoken, polite, funny, not terribly emotional, is fun and outgoing and loves the outdoors. We hang out a couple of times and I have the time of my life. We end up dating and I am so happy every second of every day. He impresses my family at the christmas party. We date until I finish college, when he asks me to marry him. The ring is gorgeous and sparkly and huge. We get married in an incredibly lavish celebration in new york city or something of the sort. Then he whisks me off to Europe for our honeymoon: Rome, Paris, Monaco, Vienna, Barcelona... we meet all his friends around and we go sailing on yachts, have fabulous dinner parties, gamble, go to races. We stay in luxurious hotel suites and have little balconies on which we take our morning croissant and espresso. He also takes me to Tuscany where he surprises me with his wedding present to me.... my own Bramasole. It is exactly as I had dreamed. We must go back home, but I soon return and refurbish Brammasole as Mrs. Mayes did. He has a business job all over the globe and i often accompany him, but often i just have some relaxing time to myself in a spa somewhere, or in one of our various villias by the beach, in the mountains, or in the city. We eventually have a little girl together, and then a son. Our kids grow up to be successful smart and well off. We grow old together in the hill of spain or france or italy and remain as much in love as we were the day we met.
The End.

WHY ME???

WHY WHY WHY WHY I dont understand what im doing wring and why i want everything i dont have... how will iever be happy??? why is the world so hard to understand why am I so hard to understand??? All i want right now is someone to love me, someone who knows me and understands me and knows what i like and how i do things and does everything right to me, makes me the happiest girl in the world. I want someone to do things with, someone to hike with and go see operas and broadway plays with...some to have wild and crazy sex with, someone who makes everyone jealous, someone who surprises me with presents, someone who just lays with me in bed and cuddles with me. and we dont have to talk its nice to just be in the presence of the other.
but, you know how logical i am good lord, and how i can see things..... and i just dont see this happening. ever. WHYWHWYWWHWYWYWHWHW i cant do this it isnt fair

So This is my Life.

Really, world? Really? What did I ever do? Why do some people get it so easy? I just want a life where I'm happy. Happiness, that's all. I never said money! I never said a fancy car! I just said someone to love me, a home of my own, and maybe a cat. Btu what do I get? I get to be the firstborn who the parents are over protective of, and who has to figure a lot of life out by herself, so becomes really weird and independent because of these things. I inherited the lack of motivation from my dad. An extreme self-conciousness from my mother. A bull-headed, stubborn, hates to ask for help attitude from my dad. A need to please everyone from both of them. And then, I went to U at the beginning of my college career, for what reason I can't really remember. There, I did have one fleeting moment of fun and excitement with my first time, parties, friends, etc; but I felt I had to stop that and I became a hermit and wouldn't go out and do anything. Then the next year came and I wanted to go to Paris and I wanted to be in this group dorm, but I backed out of all of it, and became ever more of a hermit, living in a single, not talking at all, not going to the dining halls, not daring to go to the lib cause others might see me, rushing home as soon as I was done with class... I had two friends that I saw occasionally, one I really liked and one I didn't but I hung out anyways cause I needed human contact. So that whole experience there really scared me for life cause it made me so comfortable with being alone, that that is what I'm used to now, and being with other people, being with someone seem like a stretch. I'm selfish really, but not in a bad way, just in the way that i think about myself because who the hell else does? I put myself first because i dont let anyone else do that for me. I'm the most important. I read something recently that said the key to being a lover is being completely selfless and putting the needs of that person above your own. SO basically I would be the worst lover ever! I've always thought I had that going for me, but I think even that is out the window now. I'm also realizing that Im not that attractive.  always thought i was.... mum and dad always told me i was! But im forgettable, i dont stand out, i have small eyes, and a strong jaw that isnt very feminine. fuck. and then im a little chubby. fuck. who the fuck are you if  youre not a womanly woman? if youre not beautiful? this girl in my writing class, a month or so into the year we were waiting outside the classroom and she turned to me and said, are you new? seriously. Theres 15 people in the class. You know, thats partly her fault though. She obviously an extrememely self centered bitch who loves the fuck out of attention and wear too tight shirts and think herself a dancer even though shes fat. There are so many fucking people like that in this world ,am i right? why dont people think about others... i mean, i dont care about these people but i notice them, i notice what they do, what they say, how they carry themselves, and i try to figure out who they are. without talking to them. i notice the world around me. maybe the only reason i do that is to judge people. but im always right, honestly. my judgements are based upon fact. I just... anyways, what im trying to say it, the world has got it out for me, and i honestly dont know where im going or how in the fuck im going to get from day to day... shit is hard, it sometimes doesnt make sense.
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