ALMOST DOOOOONNNNNNEEEEEE

I can't wait to go home, see my fam, do christmas, hit up st, j, nbd. I went out shopping yesterday and got some summer clothes for st. j... tanks, shirts, a beauuuuutiful dress, I call it my gauguin dress. I looked at bathing suits, but that never goes well, I think I'm gonna have to do another off the internet things. I think I'll do that now. I also got some new makeup, always feels good. Now, I have to study like mad for arth and pss exams tomorrow, meeting with D to study, excited. I'm having such a hard time deciding what mug to give A... I realized that I really didnt make that much stuff, and it's hard to give something valuable away to someone I dont really care about. But k and all his family will see it, maybe they will think more highly of me...ok i think i know which one. Off to study! Dont distract me!



S

GG

Loving Gossip Girl, putting off studying, and contemplating:
Ever notice how Blake Lively, the supposed gorgeous beach babe, kinda starts to become less captivating after you see her long enough...

...But Leighton Meester doesn't quite grab you at first glance but after you see her acting, she's really captivating and graceful and funny. I think she'd be really cool in person

I realized WHYYYY she looks like me!! And I love looking at myself! We have the same eyes and cheeks, my jaw line is a little stronger. My hair should be that color hum. Right now its trash blond at the ends, result of sun-in 2 summers ago.

Update

Hey, wanted to give an update... this is so hard, because I don't actually want people to know WHO this actually is, so I can't give very detailed descriptions of what I've been up to, because I don't want them to know it's me.
 I feel like a name is a big part of your identity, and since my parents picked a name for me based on other things, their own feelings (I was named after old ancestors) I have a weird name. They didn't think of me. I want to think of my kids and give them sexy names, because I want my kids to be amazing and gorgeous and star children. Wes is probably the hottest name I can think of, maybe because all the Wes' I've know have been incredibly hot. Ada is a beautiful name too; beautiful, not sexy, and that's what you want. Guys are hot, girls are beautiful. Way of the world.

ANYWAYS. semesters almost over. I'm struggling with this class, Logic. I know I'm going to fail it unless I get an amazing grade on my final. The only way that would happen is if I started right now, teaching myself form the book everything we have learned this entire semester. Because LITERALLY, I haven't done any of the homework expect for the first assignment, skipped 20% of the classes, have no idea what any of this is. I did understand the first couple points though. So, I have a dilemma, I've never failed a class before, gotten below a B on a class before... and how could that effect  my overall career? Realistically, not very much, if I keep up my normal grades of A's and Bs'. And, I guess I have to take another math class, which will totally suck. but I'll just do an easy math class or something. no biggie. Maybe D and I can take a class together. That would be great. I mean, you guys have to believe, I am extremely lazy. I cannot wrap my mind around staying up all night studying, for something I have no interest in. I'm old fashioned in the way that I think that the point of tests are to test what you have learned and retained in the class and are going to remember all your life, not what you shoved into your brain last night and are going to forget the minute you walk out of the room. But I guess I have to cheat the system. Cause everyone else does, and I'm not gonna get ahead being the nice guy. Nice guys finish last.

Ah well.
Love,
Summer

Story Time

So, I'd like to tell you in salacious detail about the height of my high school career, when I was surrounded by and creating drama everywhere I stepped, and the day that I took a page from Gossip Girl and played it out line by line in my own life, and for a minute was the girl everyone wanted to know. You know when the gorgeous Serena does it with her bff Bair (annoying all around), boyfriend, the super sexy Nate? Well, let's just say that I became Serena for a couple short, yet delicious and exciting few months.

So, I had this friend, we were pretty close (Blair). She met this guy (Nate!) at a party beginning of our sophomore year, he was attractive. I guess they started dating, and it was her first, well, EVERYTHING so I heard about it all. He seemed nice, and I'm pretty sure the two of us exchanged pleasantries once in a while. So there was sophomore year, i finally got a boyfriend during interim, and we lasted until four months later when I was sick of his flirting with other girls. He didn't want ME, he wanted a gf.  So, I turned to my guy friend, who has been around for a while. He totally had a crush on me and I knew it in the back of my mind but I LOVED the attention he gave me, and the random hooking up we would do once in a while... probably shouldn't have kept that going. But. That summer we were together all the time, I loved having someone around who thought I was sexy and amazing.
But then, he finally asked, do you wanna date, and I said eeerrrrr i though we were friends??? who hooked up??? and he was like f this, im outie. And he stopped talking to me. And then school started. Blair was still with Nate 24/7, but i had been with my ex and my guy friend 24/7 too... but now I had no one except her. And she had him, so one could say I was really alone, and had a broken fucking heart.
So then interim started, but I was in the chorus so had nothing to do. And so did... Nate. Blair had a big part or something so she was always on stage. I'm pretty sure we started hanging out then, cause he was friends with my guy friend and we talked about my problems with him. My a-hole guy friend, at this point, had picked out some trashy rando and started dating her. And this chick was a complete fucking whore. Her life was drama, and if there wasn't any around, she fucking created it. I voiced my opinions about her to my friends, when the topic arose; I didn't like sluts who started drama. I didn't like her mostly because she stole my best fucking friend and one of the only guys who thought I was an incredibly beautiful goddess. So there was some bias. But I didn't like her.
So one day, this ex-guy friend of mine comes up to me in the dark theater with a couple of his pothead friends behind him and says, get outside, i need to talk to you. It was intimidating, I was kind of scared, he's volatile. So as soon as I get outside and shut the door, the shit storm begins. He starts yelling at me to stop talking about and spreading rumors about his slut gf! Haha! she's a really nice girl ok? he says, pussy.  His friends chime in. I'm like, look I dont like this slut, and I'm not gonna stop talking about her cause I dont give two shits about her feelings. It went on for a while, and finally he stormed off. I stood there. I was shaking. I felt awful, I hated that he looked down on me. Nate came up, hey, it looks like you could use a cigarette. I smile gratefully.
We head outside and I smoke my first cig ever with him, it felt great. We walked through town, and I felt badass cause I was missing a rehearsal. He was nice to me, sympathetic. That was insane, he said what a dick. We bonded. It was a cool moment.
So after that, we started hanging out more and more... we skipped rehearsal and played pool at the old bowling alley. He even did that thing where he stood behind me and showed me how to hold a pool que. I died.
We started hanging out outside of school, we went to the museum and smoked pot on the nature trails - I don't remember anything. On halloween we sat on the hill above the cemetery and watched these amazing storm clouds and listened to the bell tower chime my curfew and hours after. We would just drive the fuck around and smoke cigs and pot. I was def opened up to a whole new world.
Sometime during this Nate and Blair broke up. He told me he broke up with her to be with me. I was so happy, finally a guy wants me, ME over my beautiful smart friend. She was devastated though, I had to try hard to seem sympathetic when she called on the phone, crying about him. All I could think of was what we did last night.
One of these burn turns ended up in my saying we should drive to our house in NH. We started on the highway and I soon realized it was the wrong highway. Easy mistake. No probs, he said, my grandpas house is right down the road we can visit. Erm, that might be awkward I said. No, he says, he just died. (WHAA) and I know when the key is so we can go in and chill! This was so wrong. But soooo right. We got there, went in, a typical old man house. Nate had american spirit and papes and we rolled this enormous cig. We smoked it outside and finally I said, my lung hate me and my fingers just fell off. So we went inside, and I got under his big coat to get warm. He got under it too... and in the dark, we met. It was thrilling, felt so good, and wow, he can unhook a bra and get it off a less than a second. I'm pretty sure I had a smile on my face the entire time. And let the record show that he made the moves, not me. The ride home wasn't awkward.
I started going over to his house and spending afternoons... we never did anything but make out. Once Blair called him mid makeout sesh, and he answered it (should have heeded that warning) and I tried as hard as I could not to giggle. I kissed his face as he talked to her, kissed his mouth when she talked. He didn't really kiss back.
Then, the punch line. One day, we were sitting in the pit, Blair turns to me and says, so I have amazing news. I talked to Nate last night, and he told me he's liked me this entire time since we broke up!!! Silence. I mean, we have been talking every night since we broke up... Silence. My insides are collapsing in on themselves. So, he wants to try again! Isn't that great!?! I distinctly remember being so shocked I couldn't even muster up a smile can act like I was happy for her. I was unconvincing, I know. I got up and said, uh, I gotta go. And I went and found Nate. I stuttered for a minute then finally got out, so you're dating Blair now huh? and he said i mean... blablabla...bsbsbs.... i'm a spineless a-hole... then my fav part: 'it's not that I don't like you... it's just, I like her too!' I was like fuck you, fuck this, goodbye. Then, as I walked away,  my second favorite part: 'keep me in mind, cause there aren't a whole lot of available guys at this school!!' I didn't even have a response to that one. Wow.
So, they started dating again. And five years later, they are still dating to this day. I don't talk to him and if I do, I'm not nice. He led my sister along for a while too (small town) and she found out the same way I did that he's been talking to Blair that whole time they were together. Blair and I are still friends, if you could call it that. I don't know if she knows. Although, how could she not? But why would she still talk to me if she did? I don't know. It created quite a rift in our friendship and I don't think we are as honest with each other, at least I'm not with her. I feel bad I did that to her. I would feel bad that she's dating a scumbag, except he did all these things just to be with her. So I guess she's lucky in a way. And I guess... I'm not.

So, there it is. I'm different now, in college, creating a life for myself. I'm not exactly proud of who I was then, but I learned a lot from it. Don't lie and cheat your friends, and don't be a sucker for attention. You always lose.





Summer

Watch...

Watch 'Lake Consequence'. Just watch the scenes in the chinese festival, they are my favorite, a beautiful ambience, music, colors. Billy Zane would be a god - those amazing dark eyes, and that body - if he never opened his mouth.



enjoyyy.....


Summer

This is hard to write... I guess I have social anxiety disorder. Watched a vid on it last night and it described me exactly. Apparently 5% of americans suffer from it. It's just the fear of looking bad, and avoiding situations where you might look bad, so much so that your quality of life is diminished. Yea. It's kind of relieving to finally put a word to it, what I've been experiencing all these years. And it's relieving to know that there are ways to treat it, a combination of behavioral therapy and medication. I was thinking about my current therapist... she seems very emotion- and feeling-oriented, I don't know if she does this more scientific stuff. But I think that's what would make me feel better, strangely - a doctor treating my condition like a real medical condition. Because it can be fixed. I guess professionalism is something that comforts me. Emotions don't feel ... professional to me. Hm.
SO, I guess I'm dealing with that now. My new exercise routine is going well, it tires me out, jesus, I am so lazy. I hope I can keep this up, god, I need a nice body again. NEED it.
Wish me luck with this shit,



Summer

MFA!

I visited the MFa yesterday. It was absolutely wonderful, I love museums so much. I don't know why - they are so grand, rich, so much history in one small place. D and I found a gorgeous room that both took our breaths away - it had a high ceiling, and red walls filled to the top with golden-framed paintings. Here:

It was such an experience. I also found this great place - it was a corridor right outside of an exhibit, and it was all white, with a huge floor to ceiling window looking out over a street and some trees. There was a nice 60's black couch right in the middle, and all I wanted to do was sit there and read and do homework. There was no people around so it was calm and silent. You know I really like finding places like that. It's special. I think if I design my own house it will be filled with places like that. Damn if I design my own house... it will be the single most amazing thing you've ever seen.




Summer

What Do I Want?

So I've decided to post my What Do I Want? list here. It's such a big step for me, figuring out what I want. I mean, how the hell does anyone know what they want? It's insane, but I'm gonna try. These are thing that I want, me, in my core. I'll keep adding to it as I think of things.

I want...

• To have a fling with a romantic Italian man!
• To hook up with a celebrity. A-List, of course
• To have a family
• To live a life of luxury
• To design my own house
• To learn everything about everything on this planet (haha, serious)

New Lyfe!

SO! Changing my life! I had an eye opening experience this weekend - went away, hung out with a lot of new people, and was a completely different person for a couple days. I realized I need to change. This, whatever I'm doing here, sucks. I realized, rather, realized again, that if I push myself into a uncomfortable situation, I usually have a great time. I am normal, I just don't most of the time.
So, I wanna change. Pushing myself into things is not my favorite, so I'm gonna do it slow. I figure, if I can work on my body, get that comfort and confidence with myself, it will carry over to my mental/social life.

SO MY PLAN:
Eating:
Get salads from whenever I go for lunch and dinner, yogurt parfait for breakfast. Fruit, veggies and hummus for snacks. NO COFFEE, NO CANDY.

Monday: yogurt parfait from yesterday. tea, take in mug. Stop at d.c. and get salad and snack. eat salad in logic. Eat snack in mythology. Stop at d.c. again for dinner salad.

Tuesday: Parfait from yesterday, tea. Stop at healthy living for healthy lunch, or salad at marche. Get salad for dinner and 2 parfaits. Eat dinner after plant bio.

Wednesday: repeat monday.

Thursday: Parfait from yesterday. After pottery, pick up lunch and dinner salad, one parfait.

Friday: repeat wed/mon - but eat during painting period in cyber cafe.

Saturday/Sunday: varies, get food at marche. parfait for monday.



Exercise:
Workout vids for 1 hr, one every morning.
Monday: yoga class.
Sunday: yoga class.
Swimming once a week: after pottery or after counseling.



Well, this plan's a work in progress. Like me!




Summer

Things... are so hard. My heart go out to all the people in the world who have ever felt the way that I do right now: lonely, hopeless, so out of control, unstable. I understand it now, loneliness. It's the worst feeling on the planet. You don't want to live, you just want someone to hold you, tell you everything's ok. That's really it. I don't know for sure, but I bet there are many lonely people in this world. Think about what a difference we could make if we reached out and weren't so cold to strangers all the time. Smiled at passers-by, gave out hugs, told a stranger they're beautiful... That's all us humans want really, a connection. We want to feel loved. Thats really the meaning of life, find love.
But, it's never straight forward. Me for example, I have so many things standing in my way of finding love. And it's all psychological too. I know I can reach out and I know I can love with all my heart, there are just little things that hold me back. Fear of rejection. Fear of failure. Fear of saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing, moving my hand the wrong way. I'm 100% serious. It just gets to me, it paralyzes me, and it would be so much easier and less painful if I just didn't even put myself in those situations to begin with, and stuck with things that I'm used to, and where I feel safe. Like my family, friends from high school, my home, my dorm room. I don't have to worry with them around. But without them... I can't go out unless I have everything planned so I will look perfect - every what if thought through completely and precautions made so I will look like the most perfect, beautiful, in control girl out there in the face of anything.
So, I do this. But the people who try to get to know me are just hitting up against this shell of supposed perfection. They get no feelings from me because I don't know if they will like them. They get no words for the same reason. And they sense that, whether they know it or not, and move away. Real people connect with real people, and I don't act like a real person. Real people show their feelings, say whats on their mind, move how their body wants. Although I know a perfect person is a real person... wow that's like a vortex, a black hole. Like dividing by 0. Cause I am a real person. And I am trying to be a perfect person. Which is in fact is real person. So I'm trying to be what I am already. I guess I just don't know how to get to that part of me. No, what I need to figure out is how the fuck can I stop caring what other people think of me? Thats what the hell I need to do. That's what I gotta do.
In the meantime, I am going partying this weekend, and in this night before, I am sitting here crying my eyes out with so many emotions about it I don't even know what they are, and how to make myself get up in the morning. I can hardly explain it to you guys, only that I hope you never feel it.



Summer

Goin' Home

Going home tonight... it is a reward to myself after a couple long weeks of midterms, papers and paintings- I finished a huge paper last night that I am very proud of. I'm so excited to catch breather, see my family, catch the last of fall in Vt. I feel like I can't even experience fall up here, no good views. So, hopefully my spirits will be renewed and I will come back refreshed and happy.
Love Summer

Well, I think I'm going to become a Buddhist. It's my calling. I found out yesterday that my counselor is a practicing buddhist, and she gave me a book to read about her denomination, Shambala. I'm telling you, this book, it makes so much sense. It's just genius, I can't explain to you haw much hope this has given me. They teach that we have gotten into the habit of always wanting more, which is fruitless because there ISN'T MORE in this life. Life is all about the senses, what happens in the moment. In living that way, you can finally develop that sense of self that everyone is looking for. H says that Buddhist practitioners are very stable mentally, and this is because they have that self. They are content.
So, it's a bit of awakening for me... don't be surprised if I never write back, I might have moved out to a monastery in Tibet!



Summer

Update

So the weight/eating update... this is silly. Anyways:

I eat whatever looks edible in the shitty stores on campus! It's just not fun. You should enjoy food. It's my enemy, how wrong is that. I read books like frances mayes where she talks about the joy and wonder of food, and, growing up on a farm with fresh produce growing outside I understand exactly what shes talking about and that makes it harder to live here with shitty food. I just want to get out of here and grow up and start my real life.
Whew, so. This... method of eating I don't think is doing to many good things to my weight. I don't think I've gained anything since starting but I'm just not happy with it. My obsession with beauty is making this body a little hard to live in. Especially since I know I can be a knockout if I wanted. I mean, I am a knockout! Where the fuck is my confidence. I mean I know I have a couple extra lbs here and there... but I think I dress myself in a way that makes me look good. I think the only thing I never want to change about myself is my eyes. I love my eyes. Also my feet are pretty nice, not deformed like everyone elses. Maybe my legs too, without all these extra lbs... I would always get compliments on my great legs when I was younger and skinnier. but I feel like the torso really makes the body and thats what I'm lacking. Or rather have too much of ha. I wonder if plastic surgery should ever be considered. Hm. If I was older, and had a rich husband, heres what I'd do: lipo on thighs and tummy, add some to my backside, a little off my arms. Breasts to a size D. Maybe something with my face, take off extra fat and tighten up around the jaw/neck. Oh i would get some fake/real/permanent nails. I would get some fake hair extensions or something so my hair was fuller. I mean I wouldn't be that different it would just be like I...lost...weight. Maybe, instead of spending all that money....I could try to lose that weight. actually. with some sweat, it never hurt anyone. Think I'll delete this.



Summer

Revised

Reading over past blog posts... it's like reading a diary. I realized that I have some updating to do regarding my weight stuff, eating habits and cosmetics. So first post: Cosmetics.


Face: I gently scrub my face with a loofah and a bar of soap. Shit's medieval!

Post-shower, a little Carrots, just a little bit, my face gets so dry after a shower and this stops my face from producing oil to soften it.

As far as makeup, I use it. My face needs it! I've considered tattoo makeup... is that bad? I use pretty run of the mill drug store brands, but after seeing a documentary recently about the stuff they put in makeup, I think I'm switching to natural stuff soon. Heres what I do:

First, make sure there are no dry spots with the Carrots.
Then apply stick concealer to blemishes, and smooth in. Also I use it on under eye circles.
Next brush on power to set: I sometimes use a translucent powder, most of the time an Organic Wear light powder.
Next blush: I've been using the same blush since I started using makeup:

An Origins blush, bough in Washington DC by my aunt!
Then eyes:

Out of all the eye liners I have tried; pencil, power, liquid, stick... gel is the best. I think what makes it the best is the brush. Important to wash the brush after every use, otherwise it will build up and become hardened. I mixed the brown and black gels together to create my perfect shade. I do a nice thick line on the upper lid, blended into lashes and softened. Than a small swipe on the bottom, I do it above the bottom lashes. I know thats bad but it looks the best. It does require a lot of retouching throughout the day. Sometime I leave this part out. Then a small cat eye swipe outwards to add shape to the eye, connecting top and bottom lines.

Then I create a sort of dark brown smokey eye with some natural toned eyeshadow.

Next, curl lashes then apply mascara. I use many different kinds.
Then highlighting: I use a great highlighter by Revlon:

Very natural and not sparkly but it highlights. I put it on apples of cheeks, bridge of nose, and on eyelids and brow bones.
I like to put a heavy shimmer on my the highlights of my lids sometimes... I use this when the mood strikes me:

SO. That's usually my thing then I'm ready to go.
Now, body:
Post shower I use a cream to moisturize everywhere:

I think I just love the scent; but it works.
Hair: still Bumble and Bumble Cocoa, and the split ends softener.
I always paint my nails with Milani Creme Brule - a classy, goes-with-everything color.

More to come!


Summer

Light

Well, things are looking up. In a counseling session last week, I had a sort of revelation, and I was able to separate myself from the worry/loneliness if only for a second. She had me, in my mind, pick it up and set it down outside of my body - it was amazing. She also conjured up an image in my mind: me as an adult, hugging my younger self, who is filled with all these problems but doesn't even know it, is lonely and sad but just thinks thats the way the world is. It makes me tear up every time I think about it. And the good thing is I identify with adult version, it was like I realized that the two can be separate, I don't have to be that little girl forever. The thing with these two images is, I can't exactly picture the the adult version, or the person who is left after I take out the worry - it's just a shadow. I guess that's because this worry loneliness has consumed all my thoughts, feeling, action, ALL of me for all my entire past, and I don't know who is in there. I do't know who she is. I wonder, is there actually another personality in there, or if I will have to create an entire new person.
So, the question is now, who is she? I have wondered about how to figure this out, what a daunting task, you know. I created a list with the title, What Do I Want? and tried to write things down that really excite me and that I think isn't influenced by other people. Now this is hard too. I think that on some level, even if you are the most self-conident person in the world, other people factor in to your decisions. I guess my thing is more, what they THINK of me, I'm trying to push that away. It's been very interesting hearing my mother's thoughts on all this - I've discovered through all this that she is very similar to me. She says that she finally got over her problems when  (she was married with kids and in her 40s) when she stopped caring what other people thought of her, she says she would worry about the littlest, unimportant things (sounds familiar...) and finally she just said you know what, I'm done, and she stopped, and she describes the feeling as a weight off the shoulders. Then she was able to focus on what she wanted to do with her life, and I think she is really happy right now, from my point of view. Hearing this example, I'm just so glad that there's some way out you know. This isn't going to last forever.
I've also been thinking, taking on figuring out my mind and rewiring it is such a monumental task, maybe it would be easier and just as effective to focus on my physical body. Figure out what it needs, what it likes, how it works. Just take care of it. And maybe that would lead to a physical peace that would help with my mental peace. I guess that would look like eating right, exercising, yoga, working on my skin, growing out my nails, taking care of my hair... etc. I feel like thats more manageable.
The hard part about this is, I don't think that I have completely done that separating yet. I mean it's scary, I can't walk around this empty shell of a person. It's like breaking a habit, a habit that you have participated in every single second for the past 10+ years of your life. Like my nails, I just find it kind of amazing that I stopped around this time when I'm trying to stop all the other stuff. I wonder if it's a coincidence? Or if this is the right time for it, my body did this unconsciously, and was trying to tell me something. It proves I have it inside me, somewhere.
So. I guess I will ask H other ideas of how to, well, find myself, get in tough with that girl inside there. Gosh that girl. I can't wait to say hello.



Summer

On Feeling Good

I dressed myself up today, a Sunday, for my outing to the library to study with D. My new white shirt, jeans, my gold watch, and sunglasses, which I think make the outfit. And I don't know, I just love it when people do double takes and stare longer than usual... it gives me confidence that, yea, I do have a nice bod, the kind of bod that guys dig, a womanly body. I gotta get it so I'm not walking/acting like a stuck up snob though, I can tell that's how I come off first impression. But you know what, I deserve to act how I want, it's been a while since I've felt good and I deserve to act however the fuck I want. I do. I bet people think I'm a biddy with tons of friends who hooks up with lax bros, but, I'm not.... I wonder if they knew. I wish people could walk around with signs on their chests saying who they really are on the inside, their insecurities, everything. It would be so liberating. Like that glee episode, um, glee's amazing.
Anyways, given this new boost of confidence, I feel like I can do... anything. It's a great feeling.





Summer

I've read a couple other blogs lately... golly are they nice: pretty, cohesive, comprehensible sentences, funny, and hey, most actually have a purpose! It got me thinking about this ol' thing you're reading here... sorry it's not top notch, really... I guess what you're getting is my thoughts, straight from the brain, hot off the press, no filer... this is me. This is what you get. This blog is such a nice thing for me because there's nowhere else when I can talk freely and feel ok about it. If only I could be this why in real life!

love, Summer

New Day

Things I learned today:

-NPR is the greatest thing ever.

-You have to be gentle with yourself when you want to change, no forcing or being tough with yourself... hold your goal inside you gently and notice it there, be nice to it.

-When I'm at peace with myself, it feels at if there is an openness inside, a calmness. When I'm anxious, everything is full with thoughts, tense. Try to remember that feeling of calmness and go back to it during the day.

-I do want to keep some part of my people-conscious ways, because being conscious of people isn't a bad thing... I just need to even out these two parts of me. I need to be ok with myself, so the bad part isn't working overtime.

Just thoughts....

My Dreams

Dreams keep us going; they give us something to look forward to. While we must accept that some may never come true, they are necessary to our, well, survival and they are healthy.
So, here are my dreams:


A villa in Tuscany. I will visit on vacations and summer for a couple years, then live there full time. I will make my own wine and olive oil, have a full garden, fruit trees, and chickens. I will have some strapping young Italians help out on the farm though, so my husband and I can relax and enjoy the sun whenever we want.

A farm in Maine. A full-on farm: vegetable gardens, fruit trees, an old milk cow, cows for meat, chickens, some horses who graze in the beach grass on the dunes, hayfields, apple orchard... a nice big dog who loves to play with our kids, a pond, a nice sledding hill. A sailboat for when we take trips to the mainand. We have grand parties with grand meals and everyone is invited. We get our own christmas tree, make our own soap, wine, jams, jellies.

As you can see from these pictures... maybe just anywhere in VT or NH would make me happy :)


More to come...



Summer

Gosh the weather up here is great, crisp, cold and sunny one minute, then hot, sticky, foggy, cloudy the next. I hate those sticky days. I hope we have a long fall this year, because I was looking at my clothes and 90% of everything I own are fall clothes, comfy sweaters, jeans, boots, scarves, etc. A fall girl named summer.

I got an appointment with a counselor for Tuesday. I'm a little numb about it just because I know what to expect, and I'm just hoping that she will have something worthwhile and intelligent to say about my problems... I am looking forward to talking about myself for an hour each week though! Since there's no one else to tell. It's insane though, that health insurance covers only a portion of it, and we have to pick up the rest... why the hell do we pay all that money then!??! YEa, ok, someone miiiight have a horrible accident and rack up $10,000 in hospital bills but really when does that ever happen? Thieving sons a bitches my dad always says.

I copped some wild asters yesterday early in the morning, and now they look absolutely gorgeous in front of Monet's poppies. Gasp, did I tell you!?! My grandmother in giving us Sailboats on Long Island Sound by Javier Gonzalez! It's a stunning painting, I'm so honored to have it be hanging in my room. I hope that someday I can have it in my house, along with all my other famous artworks I will have collected. Someday.....




Summer

UGH cold season!

I'm feeling ok though, it's not getting me down to hard. It's nice to have a normal person excuse to stay inside. I did just write an kick ass essay for my mythology class! (and yes it is a saturday night!) I saw Frances Mayes posted a entry on her blog a couple days ago... it's so crazy to me that she is actually out there, actually doing those things she writes about. Seeing those pictures of Cortona and Bramasole, and not just thinking them up in my head... it's weird, and I wouldn't necessarily say a good weird. I love those books because they gave me an idea to dream about, in the context of my life, how someday I might make it there... but seeing this dream in the context of her life, with all her personal touches on it, it somehow takes away from the dream. I don't know, does that make the books worse? It isn't her job to cater to our dreams, she's writing about her life. I guess if she wanted to sell more copies though... but who knows, most people aren't like me anyways so I can't generalize. I think it gets back to my struggle with "the grass is always greener on the other side" syndrome and always wanting what I don't have. I see those pictures and I'm like no no switch the page, I don't want to see this. Because if I saw it, I would be forced to think about the reality of life there... and I don't want to because so many things would be less than perfect and right now in my head, it IS perfect. And that's why I like it, because it is perfect, my life there would be blissful and I would be so happy. It's nice to have dreams like that. They are places you can go when life, real life, gets you down. Maybe everyone's like this, they always want to be somewhere else because, like midnight in paris said, life is so unfulfilling. What if I'm like this my whole life, yikes. Will I ever be happy? Is anyone ever completely happy? It's like the guy in the movie the red violin, he found the most perfect violin ever, and he said, now what do I do? I've found it. His life goal was finished, and he was lost. Maybe people need that dream to always wish for; it keeps you going. and maybe you don;t ever realisticly have a chance of getting it. But is it also a testament to how maybe you shouldn't obsess over your dreams and try to make every single dream come true? But then, which ones do you make come true? How do you know which one will turn out good? WHAT IS THE MEAING OF LIIIIIIIIFFFFFFFFEEEEEEEEEEE


too much cold medicine sorry.



Summer

Today

Listening to Beethoven's 'moonlight sonata'. It's haunting. I love classical music. See, writing music is harding that painting, I think, because composing come entirely from your head, whereas painting you at least base it off something you visually see. I have a lot of respect for the truly gifted composers, none of which there are today, but it the golden ages they were everywhere.

Anyways, swimming today, then my first pottery class! I'm excited but nervous. I mean, as usual. I just hope, really hope, that I find some friends there, or at least some people to vibe with. Or, not even that, I hope I have fun and don't feel like shit about myself 24/7 because of the class, which everything else in this world seems to do. It can get depressing.

 I had a little over-tired episode last night; I dressed up in sexy teacher clothes, and well, I looked gooooood. I have this figure under there, I just don't wear the right clothes I think. It would just take a lot of work to dress that sexy everyday. But, girl, how am I gonna get a guy if I don't? Isn't that like my goal in college, to find a guy to marry? Yes. Most people find their futures in college. So, I guess that's something to work on: dressing sexy! It did also boost my confidence a little, always good and always rare.

ALSO, art history class yesterday...ooooooh my god. Where do I start I'm still thinking about it. So, as you know my arth teacher is young, and very attractive. (although I've spotted a wedding right on his finger) Yesterday he talked about these 2 pieces of sculpture, which were very suggestive and erotic. The one of Judith and Holofernes, he talked about a lot. And man did he just keep bringing up that eroticism! He would say, because of what they had just been doing in bed together, and she took control of him... on and on. It was so sexy, I wanted him so bad. Like I just couldn't stop these pictures from forming in my mind!! Aaaggghhhh. When guys talk dirty... I guess the teacher-student thing always gets me to. Guys in a position of power....

Ok, enough. Too much fantasizing. Remember mindfullness, in the moment! It's funny how this does make me feel better though, like it's a normal thing I'm feeling, hot for teacher, and it's good that my feelings are validated. I feel normal wooooooooooooo. Funny how that works. 

ok, g2g!

Summer

Rain Rain

Well mi amors, it's a rainy day today, which I love. They are so romantic and beautiful. Also you have the excuse of not going outside and hanging out with people. I can't help but be happy on a rainy day, however paradoxical that is. Which is why I feel great today, so far. Swimming was good this morning, then a little reading for mythology, now I'm off to paint - I have a lot of work to do - and I'm hoping to stay there until my 5:30 class, then after it as well. Out of 20 paintings I have 2 done! Ug, I'd rather not think about it. Painting classes make me so angry in general because they let you do whatever you want and don't give you any fucking instruction! In the olden days you apprenticed under a master painter and he would teach you what he knows. Why can't it be like that today, not everyone can learn painting, a very difficult discipline, all by themselves. It's made me start to think... maybe art isn't something I want to focus on in my future. A hobby, sure. But not a career. Art history is looking more and more enticing...



love,
Summer

Shitty. Day.

It was a nice weekend, my sister visited.  But it was tough because seeing her made me want to go home , or rather be anywhere  but here. And then I said good bye to her this morning and had to run off to my 4 classes in a row. I ended up skipping the last one because I was so fed the fuck up. It's such a hectic long schedule, how the fuck do I get anything done? I don't end up eating lunch at all. And I just felt like everything was sucking all day. So I came home, hoping talking to mom or someone would cheer me up, but of course, mom was all preachy and saying how i need some serious help, p, you really need to fix things bla bla. and yea, that made me feel great. What could she say tho? And maybe I do need help. I feel like I'm not living my life. Like I'm not present, I'm just waiting for something. I think all I need is a guy. A guy would make me live in the present, give me something to live for. This is getting to a pretty bad point I think. Think about the poor poor guy I date next. Literally the first thing I'm gonna say to him is, um, so I'm interested in marriage. haha gone. But what can I do? I do things, trying to be comfortable and happy with my currant situation, but they are "bad" apparently and are making me worse and worse and more and more anti-social. and what is my problem anyways? I'm not antisocial, i just...see i don't even know. And what the fuck is a counselor going to say? live in the present, I KNOW, give me some exercises things to practice, I never fucking do those. I don't know the only outcome I see is medication. mehhh.

Late at Night...

I hate when you can hear everyone having fun right outside your window, and you can't find a good movie on netflix so you feel lousy. Even though you went out and had dinner with people earlier! You should feel good about that. Although, people as in the guy you lost your virginity to... I mean at least you lost your virginity, haha, props for that. I'm glad I went through that phase at least once in my life, to get all that normal-person stuff out of the way. Not just sex, haha, just I mean partying and drinking every night. Now I can just.... be myself.

Just a Testament to How Quickly Things Can Change

So..... I'M FEELING GREAT!

It might just be this crisp fall weather that just blew in, but golly, life is good. I'm going to the movies tonight with D, I finished all my canvases yesterday and painted all afternoon and got complimented on my work, realized in the mirror that I'm not thaaaat chubby and kind of attractive, got an amazing lottery number and got into my pottery class!!!  and H is coming up this weekend! We are going to go to a bluegrass concert, have a picnic by the lake, get manicures, go shopping,  go to P.C. for breakfast, pick apples... It's supposed to be beautiful and fall-like this weekend too. I'm so lucky. So besides the fact that I haven't done any of my homework in the past week... haha I got a N.D. game that has been taking up all my time. It wasn't very good though, very predictable and short! Although I did use a cheat website a lot though. That's probably it. Anyways, I'm off to art history with D, then logic, then a break, where I think I'll read in the libe, then mythology! Haven't had a problem with stalker boy lately, I think he's moved on. Phew.

Anyways, hope you're having as great a week as I am!!

Love,

Summer

Revelation...

Went to yoga and realized.... I'm fat. It's gross. After basing my life on the assumption that only beautiful things are worth spending any time on in life, it's disappointing. One would think that I would want to get skinny in a flash and do all I can... but I have no motivation. I think I'm lazy at heart that what mom always says! I'm gonna try to change things around here. Things have got to change.

Summer

Beautiful Day

Mad Men playing in the background... what an interesting show. The people are not entirely exemplary citizens but they're so... real. I can't help but think of my grandmother - she lived that life.
Anyhow, it is an absolutely gorgeous day up here. You can feel fall in the air - the sun is hot but the air is breezy and cool. Fall is my favorite time of year hands down - cider, apples, gourds, thanksgiving, leaves, sweaters, flannel, jeans, and soon, Christmas!! My second favorite time of year. I think I love the smells of Christmas the most, I have two candles, one cinnamon and one pine, and the memories and feelings come flooding back when I think of them.
I've been thinking about what to say to my counselor when I start up seeing her - she'll ask, tell me about yourself, why are you here, etc. And in thinking of answers to those questions, I've discovered a little more about my problems. Putting things in words is very helpful. That's part of the reason I'm going in the first place - having someone who I don't worry what'll they think of me, who I can talk with about my intimate problems, is good for me. A little time out of the day where I feel normal almost. I'm hoping I can start soon.
I also made some inquiries about volunteering at the humane society, walking dogs. I think it'd be great, getting some exercise and being around dogs, my own of which I miss so much! I was thinking about Saturday mornings.
This morning, Sunday, I went out early to the marsh and got some breakfast, then sat in the (my) pine grove under that tree that H and I sat under, and ate and read the Iliad. It was so perfect, and those couple hours out in the sun and fresh air really lifted my spirits. I came back and ddi all this cleaning and got a bunch of stuff in order! It's so funny. It would be a wonder to feel like that all the time. I wonder if that's even possible. But I now plan, every Sun morning, to go out and relax and read in the pine grove.
There's yoga tonight, I can't wait to go. I really wish there were more classes I could make. Stupid classes.
Also, the pottery meeting is this Wednesday! I cannot wait for that, I hope I get into the class on friday. That will be so great for me.
ALSO, I ordered a Nancy Drew game off amazon today!! It's pathetic at how excited I am, I know, I know. I've been obsessed with those games since I got my first one: Treasure in the Royal Tower. It was magical! This one is similar, about some castle in Germany. I was reading in the reviews that people of literally all ages play them! One lady was 78. I don't know what the draw is, it gets your brain working I guess. So, excited for that. A chair for my room will also hopefully be arriving soon.
So tomorrow: painting, reading the Alma Thomas controversy; logic, I don't know. arth - I still have to read that stuff! The discussion we had in that class on fri was mind-numbing. Everyone was so dumb they kept saying the same things over and over and didn't even point out the most important things. The teacher, Anthony, who's quite a looker, married though, handled it well. He's funny. Then mythology - I didn't see stalker boy last class, I'm praying to the gods above that I don't see him tomorrow. Or how about ever again? The class is really interesting, I wish he wasn't there to sour my view of it, and make me literally dread that time of day. Then hopefully, yoga in the evening. Then tues: swimming early, then hort in the evening. I should go downtown in between and get some concealer, look at the furniture stores, go to the borders sale... it supposed to be a nice-ish day. Raining tomorrow, and hotter. I hate that those sticky days.
I also should write H a letter.
And I need milk at the store!
And I need to figure out the rest of my life.




Summer

Luxury

I know I've always been the spokesman for the simple life, but I can't help it, a life of luxury appeals to me so much. In a way, it is a simple life, there are no worries about money! Which causes so many problems these days. I can't help but dream about this life. Here are some of them:

Cars.

Even phones! Solid gold, of course

I've lately become obsessed with watches - some sell for more than cars.

Gems and Riches, of course... diamonds are a girls best friend!

My house will be one for the history books. I would hope to design it myself, but since the best locations are often already taken, I might have to settle. Renovations are possible!

Second/summer homes are a must... one in Tuscany goes without saying...

A throw in one in the Caribbean! U.S. Virgin Islands probably, easy travel.

Perfumes... the best are always expensive. A scent can really add another layer to you.

The most expensive brands in the world. But being well-dressed is important. Imagine spending $10,000 on a single shopping trip. On a single purse!

The ability to afford, and the excuse to wear luxurious evening gowns.

The most expensive pet in the world - a Bengal cat, or "lap leopard". The next best thing to a real leopard!

Pens, fine wines, cigars.

Luxury hotels and luxury travel. Imagine the places you could see if you had money! That's one of my biggest motivators.

Almost goes without saying... this would be the very FIRST thing I buy if I came upon money. Or maybe this:

A beautiful Concordia.

And to buy it all... a credit card made out of gold and platinum! It cost $1,000 to being with and there is no spending limit! As in billions of dollars could be spent. (hopefully) my kind of money.