Medieval Dreams

There was this dream last night...I think inspired by the ghost story book i've been reading lately. It was a medieval castle, there was a being, it was me, but not really, it could split into two people, and they had daemons, like the golden compass. It was a beautiful girl with long blond hair, in a red velvet gown. The daemon was a small black cat/dog type thing. She wasn't supposed to be there, she was a ghost, a being, people were afraid of her... she hid... but once a soldier or a guard saw her, saw them, he told her to get out of there, to leave. But there was so much tension, one of the half of the being felt such electricity between them. He was scruffy, handsome, weary, he saw her and her beauty but what could he do, she was a being, a ghost, a freak, different... as he turned his back on them to catch up with his men. He rounded the corner to descend the stairs... and just as he was about to go in, she ran to him, grabbed his shoulder and turned him to face ehr, and pressed him against the wall, and kissed him hard. (he actually bumped his head pretty hard haha) She needed him, she couldn't help herself you know. It was passion, she saw his old soul, his eyes, his body, his whole being and she loved every bit of it. He kissed her back, he wanted a beautiful body, he wanted to have the privilege of having her. It was scary... she wasnt human, her other half was around the corner, he knew he shouldnt, but he had to.

Pegasuses and Tommatt

That's my new name for the Tom H and matt hybrid that i've created in my brain and had a surprising amount of dreams about... like last night. He was like a drill sergeant, leader type thing in this kids camp/school/ training place, it was like we were training for the military. I just remember me being in a group and us throwing spears, and when we would celebrate we would all throw our spears straight up in the air and I remember people getting speared right through as they came back down. very GOT style. I remember figuring out where i should go so i wouldn't get speared. We also rode horses, we each had a special horse, mine was dark and big, named juno and julian or something. SOmething had happened and they shut down the place for a while, or we went to war? All us kids got back and tommatt was standing at the gate with our horses inside, he was all patronly and nice, and then he open the gate up and we all ran in, and then he blew a whistle and all the horse came goloping towards us, right to their kid, and then i saw juno and she was so huge, and i swung up on her real fast and then i realized she had WINGS! she had grown wings and they were  huge and strong and she lifted us both off the ground and we circled the pasture then flew off into the sunset! And it was jsut like the end of a movie, credits started rolling after that, i swear. and then i woke up. themes: me as a kid, matts kids? matt as a father figure, tom in war horse, g.o.t and violence...old places houses, etc. i did watch a bunch of interviews with tom and the avengers last night, its an obsession. still is. i havnt gotten over him, i beat myself up for becoming interested in celebrities, christ im setting myself up. I wish I wold stop watching videos of him becuase that makes me like him all the more. sigh. also, i'd love to ride a pegasus.

-s

So this one time...

I am in the midst of writing a huuuuge paper that i am way behind on but i just need to tell this hilarious story that happened to me. The hilarity of it just dawned on me I think, so I need to tell it now. So back in his school we had out sober graduation party yay! aka the lamest party in all of history. There was this one guy, who i had a history with, i wanted to be friends, but he wanted to date, then i said no i dont want to date, then he blew me off and started dating this rando, all the while iim saying i just want to be friends, period, and then finally he starts acknowledging my existence again, and we start talking, he really different though, and ive moved way on form wanting to be friends... but anyways its during that last period. so everyone else is sleepnig or being lame, and we go off, he says he wants to show me some music that he made. i though he like made beats, so i was like sure. he takes me down to his car which is like in the field, ad i though, ok, hes gonna play me a tape in his car. So he sits in the passenger side, is all of a sudden holding a basketball, and starts RAPPING!!! like, rapping, about basketball!!!!! and he was so loud and i was like so surprised and taken aback, i literally wanted to laugh out out loud.  remember glancing up at the house frequently to make sure no one was hearing this. I got tears in my eyes, you know when im embarrassed for someone? so i was just like standing there, at the door, and hes there getting all into it, thinking hes really good, which hes not, I mean I guess he could be but i dontt give a shit about rap so i didnt care for it. and he goes on. and on. fiiinally he stops. and i like quiet, trying to seem all amazed into silence when really i have no idea what to say. im like, wow, wow, that was really gooooood. ugh it was so awkward. what a fucking selfish show off. He wanted to make me think he was cool so i would sleep with him. Which, um, not the greatest ending to this story... I did. Sober too, jesus what was I thinking. It was in a bouncy castle, so that kind of was an experience... we all make mistakes guys, lesson of this story!

spring nights and fire drills

We just had a fire drill, i dozing off in a quiet haze of tumblr, sia and advil pm... i got outside and everyone was chatting, laughing nervously... like hell i would wait there. i has on my ripped jeans and a blue zip up, hair in a bun, casual... i started walking away, thinking i would stroll around campus. i ended up sitting at the edge of a parking lot in the grass with my back against a car. i could hear peepers in probably some cesspool, but it was clear, and looking up through the new leaves, it smelled just like home and made my heart twinge. I kind of had a breakdown today... matt gave me this article to read about hands and working with your hands and how important they are, and i read it and just bawled. I could have a a handless right arm right now, i was so fucking close to that, it could very well have happened, probably should have. for some reason it wasnt worse and i still have a hand. i could be one of those poor cripples people stare at on the street! you cannot have a normal life with one hand. i would be different and thats my biggest fear. but i was so close, thats what gets me... i went to draw to see if that would help, and my family called me to talk about my grandmother and i just couldnt take it, i was holding back tears the whole time... i ran out of there with those idiot girls talking about cigarettes and ran dow nto the pottery studio to see if matt was there, i needed him... but the lights were off, they never are. no music, no one. im very alone, aren't i. Im a lonely person. any normal person, any one at all, take their normal life and simply subract close friends and boyfriends out of it, and thats my life. i deal with all the same shit... i think im getting a little weirder every day, so that might be ending soon. alone, so alone.

just kidding about that previous post guyz

saw matt again today and died and fell in love-ish whatever this is again. He said he thought of me and found that paper relating to hands, and I went in to pick it up today, and i'm just so happy that he thought of me outside of seeing me... its like, i'm in someones thoughts, except mine own... he was really nice and wished me a good summer, and said as i was leaving that he was really, really glas that my hand was ok. i said thanks for all your support and left. i couldnt bring myself to tell him that my grandmother died last night... i meant to tell him how i was, but that initial exchange is so fast you know. I fell like it would have humanized me more, and thats exactly what i need with him... but im too smiley, too wanting to make my life sound like the perfect life... i do keep getting that sense that he is an intense, really intelligent, smart guy, i mean obviously hes a college ceramics teacher on tenure track... i think i need to respect that more. its almost like my teenage lust is equal to my not respecting his place. and i feel like he is old fashioned enough to follow rules like that... i really need to stop thinking chick flicks are representative of real life... i think that we can have a mature relationship, a student teacher, boss employee relationship. i think friends is too far. although i am more honest with him that anyone else here at this schoo. sigh.


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