Zone

Zoning out on oxy tonight... i needed a little break... it makes me tired and BLANK. Dont worry im not addicted im too ocd and too much of a worrier to keep doing it.  i remember asking all my doctors, well, is there just something i can take that will calm me down for a bit when i have those really anxious episodes and i feel like crap? they were like, uhhhmmm, no? Well I found it. Drugs baby. Why me. whywhwywhy why also are kanyes last two albums totally fucking rad. i love him. i want to live inside the songs also i would enjoy living inside the majority of cat empires songs... maybe having a love affir with felix, living in austrailia by the beach, being tan and fit, why cant these be realities? Why am i here, what the fuck am i doing here. I realized earlier, while being lectured by mom that i dont think im worth it. it, anything. i dont think i deserve much, i dont deserve to be happy. I remember just recently i thought about dreaming that i was a princess, like picturing myself as a princess... it was like such a new ting to me. i couldnt do it. i dont, picture myself happy, ever.

Courage

I just watched the hunchback of notre dame... what a story, a dark, horrible story. It just made me cry, it was so sad, i just have a connection with/feel for the outcast, I know what its like to feel like you are horrible and that you dont belong anywhere, i just feel it. its an uplifting story, that there can often be great courage under a grotesque exterior, dont judge a book by its cover, etc... but it just is so, so sad. she doesnt love the hunchback, she loves the dashing handsome you soldier! The nice guy always finishes last! Life sucks for people who are different, they will never have a normal life. Am i kidding myself, here, living like this? Is a normal life what i need, and im just being lazy and not doing anything about my antisocialness and making excuses for myself? Will i be making excuses for myself my whole life? Do people need a normal life to feel good about their life, while they're living it? Can people who choose different paths get by and be happy? Will I ever be happy?

High School

 I guess everyone has a time like this, when they haven't thought of high school in ages and one day they stumble across an old photo and their entire brain is reverted to high school mode.... It happened to me tonight. On fb of course... i just, god i was so shy and quiet and why did i havne no confidence? Why was i so strange and why did i sleep with m and why wasn't i nicer to k and b for that matter? What a great group of people, actually its funny when i see c and a together, i get scared for my life, like i feel like they would rape me or harm me, idk, they are just scary people, especially together. So i go on this trip, and then im like, have i changed? and i think god why havnt i reached out to any of these people, what have i been doing with myself? the biggest thing in my life a second ago was worrying about if netflix instant has season 4 of cake boss! No jokes. I keep thinking, i need to change! What am i doing here, really. what is my life amounting to, nothing, im so pathetic. why have i almost lost a hand and wrecked my car in the space of a couple months? what does that mean, is it the meds? Why the fuck am i on meds anyways. I have times like this, when i step back and realize how fucked and weird my life is... how can i change it? I always come back to a br, but that doesnt seem the perfect solution for this... altering your body to soothe your mind? hm... i just, i have no one to  talk to and im so pathetic and i cant do this!1! i cant.