I've been on tumblr looking at all these fashion blogs, they are so great and beautiful and I just want to look like all those girls in the pictures. Beauty is SO important to me; it would be a crushing blow if someone told me I could never be beautiful. Because one of the only things that keeps me going is that hope that someday, I might be the perfect, most beautiful person. It's superficial and unrealistic, I know, but it gives me great comfort.

Another thing: I'm going to Paris next year! For the whole year! It's so amazing, yet so daunting. I get these momentary panic attacks every once in a while, where I get so anxious and scared about it, and think why in the hell am I doing this? It'd be so much easier to stay here and do what I know. But I push those thoughts away because I know this will turn me around, I know this will be good for me, and I will finally have a taste of real life. This isn't real life here, I haven't felt good about it here ever. But this, Paris, it's so EXCITING! Think of all there is to see, all there is to learn, and do. I feels right. Unlike here. Mum said it felt like all I've ever done has been leading up to this very moment! She's so happy for me, it's wonderful. There are many things I have to do before I go though - but I'm not worried. Life starts now.



-Sums

Update!

Ah, life is good. Ish. Got honked at as I was walking to breakfast by a van full of snowboard bros! Lol, they were probs still asleep, it was like 8am. I didn't know my ass was that nice! Anyways, Thursday K visited so A and B came over and we all got trashed, and B and I flirted like 4 year olds, whats new, and A had a dick of a friend who made fun of me, and was really touchy feeling with B all night, lol. And As fucking loser of a roommate, hes so weird. He drank like half of all our alcohol but was so quiet. Ugh. So, I was so drunk. In the morning I had so many classes and met with study abroad people and my cute advisor, all while I was unbelievably hungover and on the verge of puking every minute. And I lost my phone haha! I found it at HM front desk. No idea. But i learned a lot about my future and studying abroad, and that pretty much whats on my radar right now, trying to get to Paris next year! I gotta get out of here, and La Ville Lumiere, what could be better than that. BUT the deadline is in 3 weeks and I need to make it. Oh, did I mention K might be in Paris next fall too!!?! How much fun would that be. Take the city by storm! Americans in Paris, ahh. Hope it happens!

Sums

Help me... the therapist who I wanted to see about medications can't see me until March 1st... this is so awful, what am I going to do?!? Options: go back to my old doctor at home and start taking that medication, I mean I have it, whats stopping me, might as well give it a go; maybe start seeing a doctor at mum and dad and hs place? Big girl doctor. I gotta get going on this. I neeeeeed this, you should see me today, crying every time I think of going to french class because I'm so scared, and every time I think of home, where I'm not as lonely as I am up here. I'm so lonely, pathetic, this is no way to live. I am proud of myself though, for seeking out this lady, as well as my advisor, and making steps in studying abroad. I'm proud of that, it's good. I just wish I had a pill to pop right now to make this all go away. What if I have to deal with this my whole life, being this way?

It's so late! I go to bed at 8:00 at home, now I have to stay up and do french hw, fck that. Yes, you heard right, I am back. My island vacation was a dream. Our villa was out of conde nast traveller. I want to go back so badly - i love it there, my body loves it there; My skin clears right up, gets smooth and tan, my hair gets blond and wavy in the humidity. Every time I go down there I make a pact to come back and do something cool, but I always forget.
And it's hard not to, being stuck in a cold, death tunnel like VT. The cold sucks the thoughts right out of your head, all you can think of is making it back to your dorm alive. Sigh. My classes are great this smstr: french II, se asian art history, renaissance art history, and intro to classical music, with a p/f class on weight loss and eating right. I'm kind of excited for that, that being losing weight. I mean a little here and there, nothing drastic - I want to look good. In reality I want my face a little less chubby and my boobs not so big. Then I'd be golden. Anyways classes - they're more participation intensive this time around, which requires more work. And for me more worry. And is that even worth it? I learned so much in the big lectures. I'm just arguing with myself, what, do I want to take big lecture til I graduate? No. It's exciting, new people, get my heart rate up. I was thinking, maybe it those flights of stairs I have to climb everyday that made me lose that weight! Did I tell you I've lost 10 lbs since the beginning of school? I mean, I think they're back now, but at the beginning of break.Funny this is - I didnt even notice until I weight myself at home. NOte to self - need scale. Wow - I just understood why people carry around recorders in movies and say things to themselves - how nice it would be to remember the things i think of during the day and never write down! I'm going to be such an eccentric old lady.



Summer