Cupidity

Wanting to be beautiful, why can't I be effortlessly beautiful... the pretty girls always have friends, guys around, always, life is effortless. Getting good things is effortless. that girl is class, she is so incredibly gorgeous, people just notice her, revolve around her, her every move, word, its like gold... im kind of, over looked. im pretty sure matts asked 3 or 4 times what grade i'm in. i'm forgettable, ive accepted it. i was thinking about how matt thought i liked j... what exactly do i do to make him think that, like im curious. sure i flirt with him, but im flirting BACk, j always initiates it. so when a guy flirts childishly its normal but when a girl flirts its fucking scandalous?? what i am supposed to do, be a hard bitch like brie  and break his balls? How can you gracefully not flirt back with a guy yet still keep them interested? aka, how to you interest with guys without flirting with them? Thats the real fucking here, me and my fucking lack of social skills here, ridiculous. Ladies and Gentlemen Ive discovered why im hopeless with life, i cant talk with males without flirting. why is that bad...i just want guys, all over me, i want guysssssssss this is so hopeless....im skipping latin tomorrow to lay in bed with all these imaginary guys. have a great day world people.

No Title Seems Appropriate At This Time

Not for any bad reason, it just.....eh. i'm pretty much over matt at this point, could you tell? This poor blog isn't choked with inane rambling fantasies of mine anymore. It's a shame, my life had some sort of purpose when I liked him. My purpose now is just kind of... latin haha. I was thinking how I would if I had the patience write an erotic fantasy in latin haaaaaa so sexyyyyy. I was thinking about ben the other day. i guess i am connected to him in some way... i never think about him or that but it's there. i hope we run into each other down the road and im pretty and skinny and have a baby girl on my hip and he thinks, man, she was mine once. I had her. Part of that image though is his, incredibly handsome as usual, a beach bum with an equally incredibly pretty girlfriend, 100 time prettier than me, bleach blond, you know. Killll meee. I had a dream the other night where i went into the library, apparently for the first time, I was walking around and I saw a print out of a picture of will when he was young with the words under it, i love you. It was like in the back of the library in this obscure part, up on a beam in the ceiling, also above a doorway. I thought huh, small world/aka wills gotten around more than i thought. I went in that room, and it was like a strange study area/stacks with weird walkways, with the feel of the clark's library. I walked around and found some old cassettes, and that was it. I was writing that thing about will at cape cod the other day, so maybe that it. I have so much to say, I want to say it all out loud to someone, but i like have this weird mask over my face right now that makes it like cement and I can't move it even though I have so much inside, my feelings and my face are not connected. Jack Josnson makes me sleepy. night.

Things

I try to stay downstairs with everyone but no one talks to me and i dont talk to them; and also when i try to stay downstairs no one comes down or leaves immediately. Why dear merciful lord i am so hopeless with other human beings. im considering getting a house off campus next semester. maybe i can get a cat. I want to live totally alone, it will be horrible for my mental state but i dont care, fuck accepted mental states.
So i've been thinking about jesus. ive learned so much about christianity through my medieval art classes, and it so interesting to think about jesus as a guy, who actually lived at one point, he must have bee so fucking possessed by this idea that he was doing the right thing here, and that god was a real unit... i mean almsot to the point in crazy person. but what good things he believed in, helping the poor, sacrifice, doing good, etc etc. its just unfathomable how so much of our world was formed because of this one guy. I say he's the ultimate celebrity. Find something the world needs and give it to them and they will love you forever. What an incredibly smart and profitable institution christianity is. I used to think that some guy just thought it up once as a way to make money and be powerful, but i think at one point, there was a guy who did the things jesus did and had a following and was crucified. He must have had a pretty eventful but not inordinacy life, but look at home divine and blown out of proportion its become. its unfathomable. I wonder what he would say today if he could see how famous he is. I read about a lady who claims to be related to jesus and mary magdalene, like the da vinci code.  of course shes a nut job, but could jesus have had kids? He was just a guy after all. but look at the lengths to which he followed gods gospel religiously, why would he stray for sex? I feel that he feels he was above that. There had to be some ego in him, didn't there? I'm the son of god? come on buddy. It's powerful though, the church, the immense passion people feel for this man, for god. It's passionate, the whole thing, and that inspires me. I want to feel it too, i want to talk to jesus i want to have that connection. Maybe i just want to feel as passionate about something as these people do about god. I want to feel, period.

Another Day Gone By

What is my life like these days? Mary Oliver, 'gorilla', dreams about guys wanting me, me being the object of their cupidity... rough sex, s&m... wanting to feel that elated, full, uninhibited, connection of sex...walking home and taking a deep breath and loving nature and my place in the world and feeling so connected to the universe for that one instant. Thinking about hannah, and what she thinks of me, how she is doing with her boyfriend troubles. I think about how i must seem to matt, to whitney, my housemates... they are scared of me i think, or at least the boyfriends are, they don't know what to think of me, what to do with me, everyone always gets quiet when i come downstairs. I hate being judged. I think about my mom and dad, i sometimes cry when i think of dad because i love him so much and we are such the same person and that make me sad for him, and sad for  myself but also so unbelievably joyous that there is someone in this world who loves me for who i am. i think of what itll be like when hes gone. Whenever i go into work i think constantly of how i look, and when i go into the bathroom afterwards to change i catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and think god i look like a homeless person, what are you a scarecrow and other such things to put myself down. Why doesnt matt smile at me? what am i doing wrong there, why is everything not fun and perfect there, there my one outlet, the one place where it should be normal and fun? going to work stresses me out a lot as you can see. I think about terry and when he looks at me and what looks/glances mean to different people... ive always thought looks and eyes in general were very sexual, like prolonged eye contact meant someones interested in you... what does it mean to terry, i doubt that stuff. i often think about my facial expressions and what they seem like because i can never figure out exactly what i look like to other people, i feel like my expression are off sometimes, arent right. i think about what to do at the end of this fall, where should i live, i want to get my own house. how am i going to survive in the real world without friends, living on my own? Will i die? I also think about exercise, my constant foe... i am not a very motivated person, especially when there is no direct, immediate gratification... sad i know. i think about fairy tales, girls and animals as friends, frieda khalo, quiet interiors, me as an artist, what i will do with my art as i grow up, can i make money off it... i think a lot about money too, all the things i want to buy, but then i automatically chastize myself, i shouldnt buy frivolous things. i was never tought a way to deal with money, how to view it, is it good or bad? so i dont know what to do with my adult self now who will start to have financial responsibilities soon. i think of my home often, i dont really picture myself being happy anywhere else. ive never been happy anywhere else. i have a hard time branching out. i like things to be the same. i visit everyday these celebrity gossip sites, ones that are biting and sarcastic and mysoginistic with pics of half naked women everywhere. i look at these meme sites with funny pics, i feel like its mostly looked at by young guys. it make me feel connected to the world i guess, although like the magazines i read as a kid i doubt its doing any good to my self confidence. confidence. the mysterious thing that had eluded me for so long... what the fuck is it, i mean i could pay someone. is there an elixir i can take? I often think of my purpose, why im here, if im wasting my life away, whats the RIGHT way to live, surely im doing it wrong... i have a hard time feeling anything good about myself, i am pre-wired for rejection and failing... in mary olivers poems she gets a lot of stregnth from nature and i think i do to. i feel more whole and connected and at peace when im surrounded by nature, especially by the sea. i think that might be what i have to do to find my place in this world, or a least a starting point.

In My Head Too Much

I think too much. I've been coming across all these media references to how fear is the only thing holding a person back, its not society, it's them. You can do anything you want if you set your mind to it. You can be HAPPY, FREE, CONTENT in your own skin if you want. The fact that we live in a culture where you are not proud of yourself, but are instead ashamed to be walking around is sick, sick and horrible. This "fear," in me, how does it take form? I don't speak my mind. I don't think my thoughts are worthy, I always second guess myself. I think in the fundamental core of my being that I AM UNWORTHY, I AM LESS THAN. Where did that come form and why? I feel like media, but it had to have started earlier... also, what is up with me and sex. I cringe whenever sex is talked about, it actually grosses me out. Ew. I did grow up in a traditional family, where my parents didn't really ever talk about bodies and sex, I grew up with thinking that sex and my body is bad, it shouldn't be talked about. Now I know how Victorian women felt like. Victorian? wtf mom and dad. Fuck them. Whatever they did, I have to play with the cards that were dealt to me - so sex makes me queasy - maybe if i just DO IT more, or, at all, it would be less of a scary unknown. H was saying this weekend that I dont give off the 'available' vibe, that im a 'strong woman.' She said it just takes time, when you're ready you'll give off the available vibe. I've always been a little slow on the phychlogical aspect of growing up... things take me longer... maybe, when some wizard waves his magical wand and makes me give myself enough respect and exercise and eat right and brush my hair and wear flattering clothes THEN Ill give off the vibe, and maybe i will finally begin to start living an actual real life. Cause what the fuck is this? I feel like Im waiting. Im scared to because I know, i know for a fact that if a guy came into my life right now I would abandon everything, e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g because I dotn give any worth to the things that I currently do I would automatically think that random motherfucker will have a better life plan not only for himself but for me too and I would drop everything. I'm pretty sure I would. I can mold so well, I can adapt, reshape, reform into whatever enviroment im in or person im with, im a shapeshifter whose sole purpose in life is to support others and fit into their little versions of their little lives, I become a actor in their life, one who knows his lines well and is perfect. I go from life to life, acting here, saying the right thing there, flashing a smile to make them feel good... What about my life story. its passing by and all these selfish motherfuckers dont want to act in my movie because theyre so focused on theirs. I cant even act in my own movie, its un-fucking-cast!! How did it get funding from the big guy above huh. How does one get self-worth, find their voice, become confident in their real selves, get to know their real selves? Why do I always slot myself for failure ahead of time, and then feel comfortable with that failure when it inevitably happens because ive sabotaged it once again? Sabotaged it subconcously, but sabotaged it nonetheless. Misery is a comfortable state for me, happiness is foreign. Why would I want to travel now? Comfort is one of the only things I have in my life, if I couldnt look forward to coming home and taking a long shower and putting my hair in curlers and getting under my covers with a cup of tea and closing my door and watching tv shows until I get tired?? THATS ALL I FUCKING HAVE.