In My Head Too Much

I think too much. I've been coming across all these media references to how fear is the only thing holding a person back, its not society, it's them. You can do anything you want if you set your mind to it. You can be HAPPY, FREE, CONTENT in your own skin if you want. The fact that we live in a culture where you are not proud of yourself, but are instead ashamed to be walking around is sick, sick and horrible. This "fear," in me, how does it take form? I don't speak my mind. I don't think my thoughts are worthy, I always second guess myself. I think in the fundamental core of my being that I AM UNWORTHY, I AM LESS THAN. Where did that come form and why? I feel like media, but it had to have started earlier... also, what is up with me and sex. I cringe whenever sex is talked about, it actually grosses me out. Ew. I did grow up in a traditional family, where my parents didn't really ever talk about bodies and sex, I grew up with thinking that sex and my body is bad, it shouldn't be talked about. Now I know how Victorian women felt like. Victorian? wtf mom and dad. Fuck them. Whatever they did, I have to play with the cards that were dealt to me - so sex makes me queasy - maybe if i just DO IT more, or, at all, it would be less of a scary unknown. H was saying this weekend that I dont give off the 'available' vibe, that im a 'strong woman.' She said it just takes time, when you're ready you'll give off the available vibe. I've always been a little slow on the phychlogical aspect of growing up... things take me longer... maybe, when some wizard waves his magical wand and makes me give myself enough respect and exercise and eat right and brush my hair and wear flattering clothes THEN Ill give off the vibe, and maybe i will finally begin to start living an actual real life. Cause what the fuck is this? I feel like Im waiting. Im scared to because I know, i know for a fact that if a guy came into my life right now I would abandon everything, e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g because I dotn give any worth to the things that I currently do I would automatically think that random motherfucker will have a better life plan not only for himself but for me too and I would drop everything. I'm pretty sure I would. I can mold so well, I can adapt, reshape, reform into whatever enviroment im in or person im with, im a shapeshifter whose sole purpose in life is to support others and fit into their little versions of their little lives, I become a actor in their life, one who knows his lines well and is perfect. I go from life to life, acting here, saying the right thing there, flashing a smile to make them feel good... What about my life story. its passing by and all these selfish motherfuckers dont want to act in my movie because theyre so focused on theirs. I cant even act in my own movie, its un-fucking-cast!! How did it get funding from the big guy above huh. How does one get self-worth, find their voice, become confident in their real selves, get to know their real selves? Why do I always slot myself for failure ahead of time, and then feel comfortable with that failure when it inevitably happens because ive sabotaged it once again? Sabotaged it subconcously, but sabotaged it nonetheless. Misery is a comfortable state for me, happiness is foreign. Why would I want to travel now? Comfort is one of the only things I have in my life, if I couldnt look forward to coming home and taking a long shower and putting my hair in curlers and getting under my covers with a cup of tea and closing my door and watching tv shows until I get tired?? THATS ALL I FUCKING HAVE.