Another Day Gone By

What is my life like these days? Mary Oliver, 'gorilla', dreams about guys wanting me, me being the object of their cupidity... rough sex, s&m... wanting to feel that elated, full, uninhibited, connection of sex...walking home and taking a deep breath and loving nature and my place in the world and feeling so connected to the universe for that one instant. Thinking about hannah, and what she thinks of me, how she is doing with her boyfriend troubles. I think about how i must seem to matt, to whitney, my housemates... they are scared of me i think, or at least the boyfriends are, they don't know what to think of me, what to do with me, everyone always gets quiet when i come downstairs. I hate being judged. I think about my mom and dad, i sometimes cry when i think of dad because i love him so much and we are such the same person and that make me sad for him, and sad for  myself but also so unbelievably joyous that there is someone in this world who loves me for who i am. i think of what itll be like when hes gone. Whenever i go into work i think constantly of how i look, and when i go into the bathroom afterwards to change i catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and think god i look like a homeless person, what are you a scarecrow and other such things to put myself down. Why doesnt matt smile at me? what am i doing wrong there, why is everything not fun and perfect there, there my one outlet, the one place where it should be normal and fun? going to work stresses me out a lot as you can see. I think about terry and when he looks at me and what looks/glances mean to different people... ive always thought looks and eyes in general were very sexual, like prolonged eye contact meant someones interested in you... what does it mean to terry, i doubt that stuff. i often think about my facial expressions and what they seem like because i can never figure out exactly what i look like to other people, i feel like my expression are off sometimes, arent right. i think about what to do at the end of this fall, where should i live, i want to get my own house. how am i going to survive in the real world without friends, living on my own? Will i die? I also think about exercise, my constant foe... i am not a very motivated person, especially when there is no direct, immediate gratification... sad i know. i think about fairy tales, girls and animals as friends, frieda khalo, quiet interiors, me as an artist, what i will do with my art as i grow up, can i make money off it... i think a lot about money too, all the things i want to buy, but then i automatically chastize myself, i shouldnt buy frivolous things. i was never tought a way to deal with money, how to view it, is it good or bad? so i dont know what to do with my adult self now who will start to have financial responsibilities soon. i think of my home often, i dont really picture myself being happy anywhere else. ive never been happy anywhere else. i have a hard time branching out. i like things to be the same. i visit everyday these celebrity gossip sites, ones that are biting and sarcastic and mysoginistic with pics of half naked women everywhere. i look at these meme sites with funny pics, i feel like its mostly looked at by young guys. it make me feel connected to the world i guess, although like the magazines i read as a kid i doubt its doing any good to my self confidence. confidence. the mysterious thing that had eluded me for so long... what the fuck is it, i mean i could pay someone. is there an elixir i can take? I often think of my purpose, why im here, if im wasting my life away, whats the RIGHT way to live, surely im doing it wrong... i have a hard time feeling anything good about myself, i am pre-wired for rejection and failing... in mary olivers poems she gets a lot of stregnth from nature and i think i do to. i feel more whole and connected and at peace when im surrounded by nature, especially by the sea. i think that might be what i have to do to find my place in this world, or a least a starting point.