Things... are so hard. My heart go out to all the people in the world who have ever felt the way that I do right now: lonely, hopeless, so out of control, unstable. I understand it now, loneliness. It's the worst feeling on the planet. You don't want to live, you just want someone to hold you, tell you everything's ok. That's really it. I don't know for sure, but I bet there are many lonely people in this world. Think about what a difference we could make if we reached out and weren't so cold to strangers all the time. Smiled at passers-by, gave out hugs, told a stranger they're beautiful... That's all us humans want really, a connection. We want to feel loved. Thats really the meaning of life, find love.
But, it's never straight forward. Me for example, I have so many things standing in my way of finding love. And it's all psychological too. I know I can reach out and I know I can love with all my heart, there are just little things that hold me back. Fear of rejection. Fear of failure. Fear of saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing, moving my hand the wrong way. I'm 100% serious. It just gets to me, it paralyzes me, and it would be so much easier and less painful if I just didn't even put myself in those situations to begin with, and stuck with things that I'm used to, and where I feel safe. Like my family, friends from high school, my home, my dorm room. I don't have to worry with them around. But without them... I can't go out unless I have everything planned so I will look perfect - every what if thought through completely and precautions made so I will look like the most perfect, beautiful, in control girl out there in the face of anything.
So, I do this. But the people who try to get to know me are just hitting up against this shell of supposed perfection. They get no feelings from me because I don't know if they will like them. They get no words for the same reason. And they sense that, whether they know it or not, and move away. Real people connect with real people, and I don't act like a real person. Real people show their feelings, say whats on their mind, move how their body wants. Although I know a perfect person is a real person... wow that's like a vortex, a black hole. Like dividing by 0. Cause I am a real person. And I am trying to be a perfect person. Which is in fact is real person. So I'm trying to be what I am already. I guess I just don't know how to get to that part of me. No, what I need to figure out is how the fuck can I stop caring what other people think of me? Thats what the hell I need to do. That's what I gotta do.
In the meantime, I am going partying this weekend, and in this night before, I am sitting here crying my eyes out with so many emotions about it I don't even know what they are, and how to make myself get up in the morning. I can hardly explain it to you guys, only that I hope you never feel it.



Summer

Goin' Home

Going home tonight... it is a reward to myself after a couple long weeks of midterms, papers and paintings- I finished a huge paper last night that I am very proud of. I'm so excited to catch breather, see my family, catch the last of fall in Vt. I feel like I can't even experience fall up here, no good views. So, hopefully my spirits will be renewed and I will come back refreshed and happy.
Love Summer

Well, I think I'm going to become a Buddhist. It's my calling. I found out yesterday that my counselor is a practicing buddhist, and she gave me a book to read about her denomination, Shambala. I'm telling you, this book, it makes so much sense. It's just genius, I can't explain to you haw much hope this has given me. They teach that we have gotten into the habit of always wanting more, which is fruitless because there ISN'T MORE in this life. Life is all about the senses, what happens in the moment. In living that way, you can finally develop that sense of self that everyone is looking for. H says that Buddhist practitioners are very stable mentally, and this is because they have that self. They are content.
So, it's a bit of awakening for me... don't be surprised if I never write back, I might have moved out to a monastery in Tibet!



Summer

Update

So the weight/eating update... this is silly. Anyways:

I eat whatever looks edible in the shitty stores on campus! It's just not fun. You should enjoy food. It's my enemy, how wrong is that. I read books like frances mayes where she talks about the joy and wonder of food, and, growing up on a farm with fresh produce growing outside I understand exactly what shes talking about and that makes it harder to live here with shitty food. I just want to get out of here and grow up and start my real life.
Whew, so. This... method of eating I don't think is doing to many good things to my weight. I don't think I've gained anything since starting but I'm just not happy with it. My obsession with beauty is making this body a little hard to live in. Especially since I know I can be a knockout if I wanted. I mean, I am a knockout! Where the fuck is my confidence. I mean I know I have a couple extra lbs here and there... but I think I dress myself in a way that makes me look good. I think the only thing I never want to change about myself is my eyes. I love my eyes. Also my feet are pretty nice, not deformed like everyone elses. Maybe my legs too, without all these extra lbs... I would always get compliments on my great legs when I was younger and skinnier. but I feel like the torso really makes the body and thats what I'm lacking. Or rather have too much of ha. I wonder if plastic surgery should ever be considered. Hm. If I was older, and had a rich husband, heres what I'd do: lipo on thighs and tummy, add some to my backside, a little off my arms. Breasts to a size D. Maybe something with my face, take off extra fat and tighten up around the jaw/neck. Oh i would get some fake/real/permanent nails. I would get some fake hair extensions or something so my hair was fuller. I mean I wouldn't be that different it would just be like I...lost...weight. Maybe, instead of spending all that money....I could try to lose that weight. actually. with some sweat, it never hurt anyone. Think I'll delete this.



Summer

Revised

Reading over past blog posts... it's like reading a diary. I realized that I have some updating to do regarding my weight stuff, eating habits and cosmetics. So first post: Cosmetics.


Face: I gently scrub my face with a loofah and a bar of soap. Shit's medieval!

Post-shower, a little Carrots, just a little bit, my face gets so dry after a shower and this stops my face from producing oil to soften it.

As far as makeup, I use it. My face needs it! I've considered tattoo makeup... is that bad? I use pretty run of the mill drug store brands, but after seeing a documentary recently about the stuff they put in makeup, I think I'm switching to natural stuff soon. Heres what I do:

First, make sure there are no dry spots with the Carrots.
Then apply stick concealer to blemishes, and smooth in. Also I use it on under eye circles.
Next brush on power to set: I sometimes use a translucent powder, most of the time an Organic Wear light powder.
Next blush: I've been using the same blush since I started using makeup:

An Origins blush, bough in Washington DC by my aunt!
Then eyes:

Out of all the eye liners I have tried; pencil, power, liquid, stick... gel is the best. I think what makes it the best is the brush. Important to wash the brush after every use, otherwise it will build up and become hardened. I mixed the brown and black gels together to create my perfect shade. I do a nice thick line on the upper lid, blended into lashes and softened. Than a small swipe on the bottom, I do it above the bottom lashes. I know thats bad but it looks the best. It does require a lot of retouching throughout the day. Sometime I leave this part out. Then a small cat eye swipe outwards to add shape to the eye, connecting top and bottom lines.

Then I create a sort of dark brown smokey eye with some natural toned eyeshadow.

Next, curl lashes then apply mascara. I use many different kinds.
Then highlighting: I use a great highlighter by Revlon:

Very natural and not sparkly but it highlights. I put it on apples of cheeks, bridge of nose, and on eyelids and brow bones.
I like to put a heavy shimmer on my the highlights of my lids sometimes... I use this when the mood strikes me:

SO. That's usually my thing then I'm ready to go.
Now, body:
Post shower I use a cream to moisturize everywhere:

I think I just love the scent; but it works.
Hair: still Bumble and Bumble Cocoa, and the split ends softener.
I always paint my nails with Milani Creme Brule - a classy, goes-with-everything color.

More to come!


Summer

Light

Well, things are looking up. In a counseling session last week, I had a sort of revelation, and I was able to separate myself from the worry/loneliness if only for a second. She had me, in my mind, pick it up and set it down outside of my body - it was amazing. She also conjured up an image in my mind: me as an adult, hugging my younger self, who is filled with all these problems but doesn't even know it, is lonely and sad but just thinks thats the way the world is. It makes me tear up every time I think about it. And the good thing is I identify with adult version, it was like I realized that the two can be separate, I don't have to be that little girl forever. The thing with these two images is, I can't exactly picture the the adult version, or the person who is left after I take out the worry - it's just a shadow. I guess that's because this worry loneliness has consumed all my thoughts, feeling, action, ALL of me for all my entire past, and I don't know who is in there. I do't know who she is. I wonder, is there actually another personality in there, or if I will have to create an entire new person.
So, the question is now, who is she? I have wondered about how to figure this out, what a daunting task, you know. I created a list with the title, What Do I Want? and tried to write things down that really excite me and that I think isn't influenced by other people. Now this is hard too. I think that on some level, even if you are the most self-conident person in the world, other people factor in to your decisions. I guess my thing is more, what they THINK of me, I'm trying to push that away. It's been very interesting hearing my mother's thoughts on all this - I've discovered through all this that she is very similar to me. She says that she finally got over her problems when  (she was married with kids and in her 40s) when she stopped caring what other people thought of her, she says she would worry about the littlest, unimportant things (sounds familiar...) and finally she just said you know what, I'm done, and she stopped, and she describes the feeling as a weight off the shoulders. Then she was able to focus on what she wanted to do with her life, and I think she is really happy right now, from my point of view. Hearing this example, I'm just so glad that there's some way out you know. This isn't going to last forever.
I've also been thinking, taking on figuring out my mind and rewiring it is such a monumental task, maybe it would be easier and just as effective to focus on my physical body. Figure out what it needs, what it likes, how it works. Just take care of it. And maybe that would lead to a physical peace that would help with my mental peace. I guess that would look like eating right, exercising, yoga, working on my skin, growing out my nails, taking care of my hair... etc. I feel like thats more manageable.
The hard part about this is, I don't think that I have completely done that separating yet. I mean it's scary, I can't walk around this empty shell of a person. It's like breaking a habit, a habit that you have participated in every single second for the past 10+ years of your life. Like my nails, I just find it kind of amazing that I stopped around this time when I'm trying to stop all the other stuff. I wonder if it's a coincidence? Or if this is the right time for it, my body did this unconsciously, and was trying to tell me something. It proves I have it inside me, somewhere.
So. I guess I will ask H other ideas of how to, well, find myself, get in tough with that girl inside there. Gosh that girl. I can't wait to say hello.



Summer

On Feeling Good

I dressed myself up today, a Sunday, for my outing to the library to study with D. My new white shirt, jeans, my gold watch, and sunglasses, which I think make the outfit. And I don't know, I just love it when people do double takes and stare longer than usual... it gives me confidence that, yea, I do have a nice bod, the kind of bod that guys dig, a womanly body. I gotta get it so I'm not walking/acting like a stuck up snob though, I can tell that's how I come off first impression. But you know what, I deserve to act how I want, it's been a while since I've felt good and I deserve to act however the fuck I want. I do. I bet people think I'm a biddy with tons of friends who hooks up with lax bros, but, I'm not.... I wonder if they knew. I wish people could walk around with signs on their chests saying who they really are on the inside, their insecurities, everything. It would be so liberating. Like that glee episode, um, glee's amazing.
Anyways, given this new boost of confidence, I feel like I can do... anything. It's a great feeling.





Summer

I've read a couple other blogs lately... golly are they nice: pretty, cohesive, comprehensible sentences, funny, and hey, most actually have a purpose! It got me thinking about this ol' thing you're reading here... sorry it's not top notch, really... I guess what you're getting is my thoughts, straight from the brain, hot off the press, no filer... this is me. This is what you get. This blog is such a nice thing for me because there's nowhere else when I can talk freely and feel ok about it. If only I could be this why in real life!

love, Summer

New Day

Things I learned today:

-NPR is the greatest thing ever.

-You have to be gentle with yourself when you want to change, no forcing or being tough with yourself... hold your goal inside you gently and notice it there, be nice to it.

-When I'm at peace with myself, it feels at if there is an openness inside, a calmness. When I'm anxious, everything is full with thoughts, tense. Try to remember that feeling of calmness and go back to it during the day.

-I do want to keep some part of my people-conscious ways, because being conscious of people isn't a bad thing... I just need to even out these two parts of me. I need to be ok with myself, so the bad part isn't working overtime.

Just thoughts....