Things... are so hard. My heart go out to all the people in the world who have ever felt the way that I do right now: lonely, hopeless, so out of control, unstable. I understand it now, loneliness. It's the worst feeling on the planet. You don't want to live, you just want someone to hold you, tell you everything's ok. That's really it. I don't know for sure, but I bet there are many lonely people in this world. Think about what a difference we could make if we reached out and weren't so cold to strangers all the time. Smiled at passers-by, gave out hugs, told a stranger they're beautiful... That's all us humans want really, a connection. We want to feel loved. Thats really the meaning of life, find love.
But, it's never straight forward. Me for example, I have so many things standing in my way of finding love. And it's all psychological too. I know I can reach out and I know I can love with all my heart, there are just little things that hold me back. Fear of rejection. Fear of failure. Fear of saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing, moving my hand the wrong way. I'm 100% serious. It just gets to me, it paralyzes me, and it would be so much easier and less painful if I just didn't even put myself in those situations to begin with, and stuck with things that I'm used to, and where I feel safe. Like my family, friends from high school, my home, my dorm room. I don't have to worry with them around. But without them... I can't go out unless I have everything planned so I will look perfect - every what if thought through completely and precautions made so I will look like the most perfect, beautiful, in control girl out there in the face of anything.
So, I do this. But the people who try to get to know me are just hitting up against this shell of supposed perfection. They get no feelings from me because I don't know if they will like them. They get no words for the same reason. And they sense that, whether they know it or not, and move away. Real people connect with real people, and I don't act like a real person. Real people show their feelings, say whats on their mind, move how their body wants. Although I know a perfect person is a real person... wow that's like a vortex, a black hole. Like dividing by 0. Cause I am a real person. And I am trying to be a perfect person. Which is in fact is real person. So I'm trying to be what I am already. I guess I just don't know how to get to that part of me. No, what I need to figure out is how the fuck can I stop caring what other people think of me? Thats what the hell I need to do. That's what I gotta do.
In the meantime, I am going partying this weekend, and in this night before, I am sitting here crying my eyes out with so many emotions about it I don't even know what they are, and how to make myself get up in the morning. I can hardly explain it to you guys, only that I hope you never feel it.



Summer