Babies

I'm just thinking about them. BABIES, HUSBAND, HOUSE, JOB, LIFE are all term that seem so incredibly far out of my reach, although I am in prime childbearing age and it's so strange that humans have made their culture so that it's normal for women to wait til late in the childbearing window to have kids. What if I want to have kids now? My kids would be the healthiest - the later I wait, the more unhealthy that have a chance of being. Mum had rob when she was 38... I guess thats pretty late... thats approximately 16 from my current age. That's a long time, looks at how incredibly far you've come as a human being in just 8 years, from the start of high school. Or even for years. A lot can happen. I just have this vision of how I want life to be, or how I realistically see it playing out: meet a guy in college (in the next 8 months? ha) become really close, both have jobs, do the living together thing, get a dog, become a super cute perfect couple, get married on the best day of my life, have kids soon after, a little girl and she's perfect, just like I was to mom and dad, and it would be in the fall because she would love fall, just like me. And I would have one other kid, and we would all be so happy together. I just want that, I want that comfort and security. Life is tough and I don't want to go it alone, which is what I have been doing in sort of a life test run, and it totally sucks. If I don't have someone in my life in the real world, I'll die. I can't be alone. I understand why girls have kids young, just so they will have someone in their life who loves them...

Developments in my Life; or, Shit that Today Got Shitter

Finally talked to m about my hand and the studio - i was in the studio f-ing around while he was teaching his class, for maybe 2 hours, and the whole time I was planning out a big long script detailing my plight after my accident and the monumental hurdles I have had to overcome, and horrors I have had to live through. It was long, I'm telling you. But when I got into his office HE did all the talking! I was like give me a minute bud we're talking about me here. He did say, though, something very nice about me, we were talking about my possibly leaving and he said, it's not that i dont want you around because it's been a joy having you here and its been great having you around.. something something. Not much, but its a little nugget of triumph! I surprisingly didn't and don't feel that moved by it, just because I'm stopping working there. And he's just, we just... I can't. I don't want to, I can't, I have no more energy to put into it. Physically cannot. All these frustrations, these sexual frustrations, frustrations about friends, people in general, my family, my sister, my future, my interests, my body, my health - they're all so up front in my mind right now, ALL of them and I feel like I need to solve all of them right now, because well, I do and I can I be an adult with all these problems? It's so exhausting. I just need a little something to give me confidence, a source of confidence that's there all the time, that I don't fall back on, but that propels me forward, into new things, into life. I'm so stationary right now, so dead, so dull and stale. The only thing that comes to mind is a boyfriend... everyone my age has one, all my housemates, they seem exponentially more grown up to me, and that's the reason why. I feel so less than a human. I hate this!!!! I hate myself!!!!!!!!

April

Just discovered S&G's april come she will, through parks and rec of all things haha. I'm all of a sudden obsessed with it and have it on repeat. It reminds me of nick drake, jose gonzalez, the shins, all of my uvm era music obsessions. When I hear their soft guitar and smooth voices I think of riding the yellow school bus out to lake champlain, standing by the shore, taking in the crystal blue water, icy clouds, and fiery maple trees covering the green mtns in the distance. It was pretty fucking idyllic. Vt, what a place, I don't quite know if i'll ever find another place like it.
I saw a counselor about my hand. She said keep going, keep working, but it's gonna take time. layer good memories on top of the bad. I don't think I like m anymore... its just, he doesn't care about me, and although that usually turns me on, he's, I just can't do it anymore. I can't spend all my time thinking about people who will never, ever love me back. It's exhausting. I think i've had it in my brain that i dont deserve more than an asshole, but I think deep inside, I know I do. I'm not a horrible person, I'm ok. Why doesn't anyone see that though? Probably because I never let anyone see me. What, am I THAT different when I first meet people? I'm not good at lying, people see the real me when they meet me. Getting rejected is just so comfortable for me, it's hard to accept anything other that being treated like shit. I can't do this...

Shell Girl

I went to work today, and although I usually love, it sucked today. Sucked horribly. It didn't help that today was like wandering about the interior of satans private quarters it was so hot, humid and sultry. I was doing all this lifting bags and scooping stuff and I just sweat and got all smelly and gross I'm sure, although my hair got curly and wispy around my face, which is cute right? Ug anyways, I am so frustrated about how I cant joke around with matt and julian. Im so up-tight seeming, at least I think I am, what the fuck am I like around them? I dont know! I dont have any friends to tell me! I think where I'm going with this is that today I really started realizing that I want to have good friends to joke around with and talk seriously with and to vent to and to just be myself with. I am that way, I need that, I can tell that about myself. But I missed some crucial moment where I was supposed to make friends that would last my whole college career and I would be all set, no biggie. Is it that I went to vt with high school buddies and hen transferred? I think theres something else tho - I think what I've done that hasn't allowed me to make friends is that Ive slowly stripped away all forms of identification, anything and everything that someone could judge me from. Like bracelets. What happened to my bracelets? I used have thousands on my arm. I used to love wearing bob marley t-shirts and ripped jeans. What happened to my messy blond hair, my love of being badass and hanging out with guys and partying. Now, I wear skinny jeans, a plain shirt and a cardigan and sometimes pearl earrings or maybe my fake diamond ones. I have a leather purse. A PURSE? I used to think hell would freeze over before I ever got a purse. Now I'm just... normal. Not only in physical appearance, but I can never seem to tell people how I actually feel, unless what I really feel is socially acceptable and what I think they want to hear, what makes them comfortable. Who cares what I actually feel? I push it so far down inside and only let it out in places like this, once in a while, to no one. I'm getting down to the very shell of what a human being can be, I'm seeing how far I can go. Is it because I don't know who I am and I'm trying to start from the beginning or do I actually not want people to judge me? That was be so incredibly sad. How could I do that to myself? SO here I am, a shell of a girl, unable to express how she really feels. Yet I have so much inside of me, a whole entire person who wants to live and have a wonderful life. Theres such a disconnect with what I do and who I am, what I feel and what I say. Connecting all these scattered parts of myself, becoming a coherent human being. Things would be easier then, wouldnt they. And hey, if it's that hooligan who like guys and bracelets, then, welcome back old friend. But backtracking a bit - I dont have any friends. And it get so incredibly frustrating to have all these things inside and no way to release them. It builds up, its been building up for like 2.5 years. wow. Am I gonna like snap oe day and so crazy in the streets and rip all my clothes off haha? I try to text people, and ask them to hang out, and they never respond or text me back hours later and say omg im so sorry i was busy, or dismiss as silly or strange, don't even give a fucking second to get to know me. Fuck literally everyone of you idiots, you're all missing out. I'm fabulous.