April

Just discovered S&G's april come she will, through parks and rec of all things haha. I'm all of a sudden obsessed with it and have it on repeat. It reminds me of nick drake, jose gonzalez, the shins, all of my uvm era music obsessions. When I hear their soft guitar and smooth voices I think of riding the yellow school bus out to lake champlain, standing by the shore, taking in the crystal blue water, icy clouds, and fiery maple trees covering the green mtns in the distance. It was pretty fucking idyllic. Vt, what a place, I don't quite know if i'll ever find another place like it.
I saw a counselor about my hand. She said keep going, keep working, but it's gonna take time. layer good memories on top of the bad. I don't think I like m anymore... its just, he doesn't care about me, and although that usually turns me on, he's, I just can't do it anymore. I can't spend all my time thinking about people who will never, ever love me back. It's exhausting. I think i've had it in my brain that i dont deserve more than an asshole, but I think deep inside, I know I do. I'm not a horrible person, I'm ok. Why doesn't anyone see that though? Probably because I never let anyone see me. What, am I THAT different when I first meet people? I'm not good at lying, people see the real me when they meet me. Getting rejected is just so comfortable for me, it's hard to accept anything other that being treated like shit. I can't do this...