I guess it's too much to ask to have a nice life. I just have no idea what to do to get myself in a good placce. I just watched House, then looked up Jesse Spencer because he captivates me, and I saw that he was dating this girl, a surfer apparently, and I saw a picture of her and she's fairly attractive, not extreme in any direction... And I'm just like, why not me? Like, how come, what does she have that I don't? I hate how people keep saying to me I'm attractive (i was called "the good Kardashian sister" the other day) but, why don't I have a boyfriend? How come our society is so shut off that it's so hard to ask another person out on a date? Why are guys such pussys these days? But it even goes farther because I realize that these guys are just two people in an adult relationship, who care a lot about each other, and seeing couples like that really make me crave something like that. You know? Fuck flirty high school shit, it's such a waste my time. Although sometimes I feel that all I know how to do... I once heard a quote, the only reason we get married is to have a witness to our lives. Because without a witness, did it really happen? People need each other. There's an emptiness inside that I keep ignoring and try to fill with other things, but I know the only thing that can fill it is a guy who loves me. I'm like, yea, I'll gain this confidence in myself, my way, so I can be confident in a relationship, but in reality, how the f am I going to do that? Where does confidence come from if not from others? I brought a painting to an art show the other day, and I got hundreds of compliments but I still felt ashamed of my work! I kept saying, oh they're just being nice. WHY!!??! I feel as if I don't understand my own actions. And i don't know how to get where I want to go. I've done all this therapy in the last couple of years but where have I gotten, really? The conclusions I seem to have come to from that are to: get major surgery to make my body perfect, or to take medication, or to get a boyfriend. I mean, why can't it be, meditate, or eat an avocado a day, or take a trip to Jamaica, or something? why are my needs so superficial? I think the thing I really need to figure out is whether this will all get better with age or if it won't, and I need to do one of those drastic things to make my life something that I actually don't mind living. Because right now, I'd rather be anyone else.


Sorry for the train of thought.



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What Do You Want To Do Before You Die?

The Buried Life - an inspirational show. It clears up the answer to the question, what is the meaning of life: it's to complete your bucket list. It's to DO those things you've always wanted. I mean, is the point of life really to make money in a job? To keep a house for your husband? Yea, we make do but we aren't really happy or fufilled. LIFE is such a gift, we could be dirt on the ground right now but we are living, breathing, the product of millions of years of evolution, capable of so much. Do we really want to waste that invaluable gift by "making do"? We have to grab the bull by the horns and do everything we possibly can in this world before we die. DO IT ALL!!! Cause you can't reach the end of your life and be like geez, I wish I did that, and live all over again, you've only got one life! Make it worth it!

So what do I want to do before I die? I want to sail around the entire fucking world. I want to pack up, with a couple of good buddies, get an old fixer upper, clean er up, and set sail. No looking back. Spend as much time as we want in each place, seeing the world, meeting new people, experiencing new cultures. Portugal, Ireland, Italy, Greece, Egypt, Madagascar, India, Thailand, Philippines, Australia, New Zealand, Hawaii, Cali, Mexico, Peru, Chile, Brazil, Caribbean. Anywhere and everywhere. Antarctica! Last stop will be Victoria, B.C., to say thanks to the boys for inspiring us to live our lives. (Then hopefully invite them aboard and party with them and ask Ben if he wants to cross something off his list by sleeping with his HOTTEST fan - ME.)  


I hope when I'm old I can look back on my life and smile at all the things I've lived through and know that I've really and truly lived.