summer/summer/20-summer

That's the date for today.


It's been nice week at home, I really missed it here. I'm so lucky to live here. Well, to have grown up here. I don't really feel like this is my "home" any more... this is my parents' creation, this house, farm, family... I want to go out there and create my OWN life. So I feel kind of in limbo here. I felt this way last year. I remember coming home from college last year, and sitting on the porch after dinner and crying my eyes out. I just cried and cried. I felt so directionless, so purposeless. I do feel that way this year, but less so, I guess I appreciate it here a bit more. Maybe after having no human contact for a year this seems like downtown LA. In a good way. I got a gardening job the historical manor in town, with my sister, I'm quite excited. Not much human contact or brain power required! Perfs. I'm reading the Mermaid Chair (this is my third book already... ah, summer) and it has some fantastic musings on the meaning of life and god and such, which I adore reading/thinking about. This monk, a very tan and handsome monk, talks about the Great Beauty, or something, of the world, and how forcing life or forcing thought is futile; all you can do it give yourself up to the beauty of the world and let yourself enjoy it. People talk about the 'meaning of life' but there is no real meaning, it's all meaningless, so all you can do is give yourself up to it and accept that that's the way it is. Yea some of my own ideas are thrown in there, gosh I could just go on forever and ever.
Anyways. Today I went outside and walked around in the woods and sat in the middle of this clearing, somewhere behind the pond, and just sat and thought and looked at the leaves and listened to the birds and tans running around and blue sniffing things nearby. It was so calm and hushed and slow. I could of have stayed there for hours. Then I made my way to the top of the hill and sat there as well - it was a whole different world, more alive, more vibrant, more flying things, more wind on my face, more sensory simulation. But I don't think I would choose one over the other... there's a place and a time for each one. Each one is good when you need it.
Aaaand then I came home and did cartwheels on the lawn. Quality day.

Home Stretch!

4 more days a couple hours til I finally get to leave and head back to my beautiful home and loving family and relaxing life. Just 2 exams, one of which I'm pretty sure I'm going to fail, in my way before I leave. Fuck SE Asian art, I mean who the fuck needs it. It's funny, I've been brainstorming ideas of how to change the grades in my report card so mum and dad will think I did great. Because they know I don't have a social life, and they think they only thing I do is do homework, which I don't at all, I never do hw, so what will I tell them if I get bad grades? Yea mum and dad, i watched tv and movies all second semester and have zero fucks left over for homework. Which is literally what I did. I don't know. But what if the grades are awful and S drops my acceptance? They wouldn't understand why, then they'd call people... jesus can't do that. Part of me almost wants to get dropped from S, then I'd have some freedom to choose what I really want to do. I'm beginning to think art is a big mistake major-wise. I was thinking I'd just go to a 2 yr trade school, or degree program and learn an guaranteed income job, instead of wasting my time learning about greek history. But then I though, no one hires you if you only did 2 years of college! Basically a base requirement in a bachelors. I would be screwing myself. Maybe I could find a program that did both, a 4 yr college where a learned a trade.... maybe thats just like picking a school with a major you like? Haha. Goooood. So, obviously still have some thinking to do. At home, on a blanket in the back yard, with a cold lemonade and shades. Sigh.




Sums

Splendor

I just watched Splendor in the Grass, an Elia Kazan movie with Warren Beatty, my current obsession. It was quite interesting, the overall message: we might have had great times in our youth, but we grow old and things change and we have to keep moving forward and not dwell on those times, because we'll always have them as memories. This girl and boy were crazy in love with each other, but he leaves her to go to college, and she goes crazy without him. Years pass and they grow up and find new people to love, and when they finally meet up years later, their meeting is strange, they don't know each other anymore, things aren't the same, so it's awkward. But they both feel complete when they leave, because they know the feelings aren't there anymore, and they've had closure on that part of their life.
It makes me think, number 1, will i ever fall in love with someone the way people fall in love when they're young? Things change when you get older, sparks are fewer. And number 2, i think i'm dwelling too much on my past. I'm really not good at looking forward, I'm a very in the moment type girl. The future scares me, i prefer to dream about my childhood home, my family, where everything was perfect. But, you have to keep moving forward.




Sums