My Dreams

Dreams keep us going; they give us something to look forward to. While we must accept that some may never come true, they are necessary to our, well, survival and they are healthy.
So, here are my dreams:


A villa in Tuscany. I will visit on vacations and summer for a couple years, then live there full time. I will make my own wine and olive oil, have a full garden, fruit trees, and chickens. I will have some strapping young Italians help out on the farm though, so my husband and I can relax and enjoy the sun whenever we want.

A farm in Maine. A full-on farm: vegetable gardens, fruit trees, an old milk cow, cows for meat, chickens, some horses who graze in the beach grass on the dunes, hayfields, apple orchard... a nice big dog who loves to play with our kids, a pond, a nice sledding hill. A sailboat for when we take trips to the mainand. We have grand parties with grand meals and everyone is invited. We get our own christmas tree, make our own soap, wine, jams, jellies.

As you can see from these pictures... maybe just anywhere in VT or NH would make me happy :)


More to come...



Summer

Gosh the weather up here is great, crisp, cold and sunny one minute, then hot, sticky, foggy, cloudy the next. I hate those sticky days. I hope we have a long fall this year, because I was looking at my clothes and 90% of everything I own are fall clothes, comfy sweaters, jeans, boots, scarves, etc. A fall girl named summer.

I got an appointment with a counselor for Tuesday. I'm a little numb about it just because I know what to expect, and I'm just hoping that she will have something worthwhile and intelligent to say about my problems... I am looking forward to talking about myself for an hour each week though! Since there's no one else to tell. It's insane though, that health insurance covers only a portion of it, and we have to pick up the rest... why the hell do we pay all that money then!??! YEa, ok, someone miiiight have a horrible accident and rack up $10,000 in hospital bills but really when does that ever happen? Thieving sons a bitches my dad always says.

I copped some wild asters yesterday early in the morning, and now they look absolutely gorgeous in front of Monet's poppies. Gasp, did I tell you!?! My grandmother in giving us Sailboats on Long Island Sound by Javier Gonzalez! It's a stunning painting, I'm so honored to have it be hanging in my room. I hope that someday I can have it in my house, along with all my other famous artworks I will have collected. Someday.....




Summer

UGH cold season!

I'm feeling ok though, it's not getting me down to hard. It's nice to have a normal person excuse to stay inside. I did just write an kick ass essay for my mythology class! (and yes it is a saturday night!) I saw Frances Mayes posted a entry on her blog a couple days ago... it's so crazy to me that she is actually out there, actually doing those things she writes about. Seeing those pictures of Cortona and Bramasole, and not just thinking them up in my head... it's weird, and I wouldn't necessarily say a good weird. I love those books because they gave me an idea to dream about, in the context of my life, how someday I might make it there... but seeing this dream in the context of her life, with all her personal touches on it, it somehow takes away from the dream. I don't know, does that make the books worse? It isn't her job to cater to our dreams, she's writing about her life. I guess if she wanted to sell more copies though... but who knows, most people aren't like me anyways so I can't generalize. I think it gets back to my struggle with "the grass is always greener on the other side" syndrome and always wanting what I don't have. I see those pictures and I'm like no no switch the page, I don't want to see this. Because if I saw it, I would be forced to think about the reality of life there... and I don't want to because so many things would be less than perfect and right now in my head, it IS perfect. And that's why I like it, because it is perfect, my life there would be blissful and I would be so happy. It's nice to have dreams like that. They are places you can go when life, real life, gets you down. Maybe everyone's like this, they always want to be somewhere else because, like midnight in paris said, life is so unfulfilling. What if I'm like this my whole life, yikes. Will I ever be happy? Is anyone ever completely happy? It's like the guy in the movie the red violin, he found the most perfect violin ever, and he said, now what do I do? I've found it. His life goal was finished, and he was lost. Maybe people need that dream to always wish for; it keeps you going. and maybe you don;t ever realisticly have a chance of getting it. But is it also a testament to how maybe you shouldn't obsess over your dreams and try to make every single dream come true? But then, which ones do you make come true? How do you know which one will turn out good? WHAT IS THE MEAING OF LIIIIIIIIFFFFFFFFEEEEEEEEEEE


too much cold medicine sorry.



Summer

Today

Listening to Beethoven's 'moonlight sonata'. It's haunting. I love classical music. See, writing music is harding that painting, I think, because composing come entirely from your head, whereas painting you at least base it off something you visually see. I have a lot of respect for the truly gifted composers, none of which there are today, but it the golden ages they were everywhere.

Anyways, swimming today, then my first pottery class! I'm excited but nervous. I mean, as usual. I just hope, really hope, that I find some friends there, or at least some people to vibe with. Or, not even that, I hope I have fun and don't feel like shit about myself 24/7 because of the class, which everything else in this world seems to do. It can get depressing.

 I had a little over-tired episode last night; I dressed up in sexy teacher clothes, and well, I looked gooooood. I have this figure under there, I just don't wear the right clothes I think. It would just take a lot of work to dress that sexy everyday. But, girl, how am I gonna get a guy if I don't? Isn't that like my goal in college, to find a guy to marry? Yes. Most people find their futures in college. So, I guess that's something to work on: dressing sexy! It did also boost my confidence a little, always good and always rare.

ALSO, art history class yesterday...ooooooh my god. Where do I start I'm still thinking about it. So, as you know my arth teacher is young, and very attractive. (although I've spotted a wedding right on his finger) Yesterday he talked about these 2 pieces of sculpture, which were very suggestive and erotic. The one of Judith and Holofernes, he talked about a lot. And man did he just keep bringing up that eroticism! He would say, because of what they had just been doing in bed together, and she took control of him... on and on. It was so sexy, I wanted him so bad. Like I just couldn't stop these pictures from forming in my mind!! Aaaggghhhh. When guys talk dirty... I guess the teacher-student thing always gets me to. Guys in a position of power....

Ok, enough. Too much fantasizing. Remember mindfullness, in the moment! It's funny how this does make me feel better though, like it's a normal thing I'm feeling, hot for teacher, and it's good that my feelings are validated. I feel normal wooooooooooooo. Funny how that works. 

ok, g2g!

Summer

Rain Rain

Well mi amors, it's a rainy day today, which I love. They are so romantic and beautiful. Also you have the excuse of not going outside and hanging out with people. I can't help but be happy on a rainy day, however paradoxical that is. Which is why I feel great today, so far. Swimming was good this morning, then a little reading for mythology, now I'm off to paint - I have a lot of work to do - and I'm hoping to stay there until my 5:30 class, then after it as well. Out of 20 paintings I have 2 done! Ug, I'd rather not think about it. Painting classes make me so angry in general because they let you do whatever you want and don't give you any fucking instruction! In the olden days you apprenticed under a master painter and he would teach you what he knows. Why can't it be like that today, not everyone can learn painting, a very difficult discipline, all by themselves. It's made me start to think... maybe art isn't something I want to focus on in my future. A hobby, sure. But not a career. Art history is looking more and more enticing...



love,
Summer

Shitty. Day.

It was a nice weekend, my sister visited.  But it was tough because seeing her made me want to go home , or rather be anywhere  but here. And then I said good bye to her this morning and had to run off to my 4 classes in a row. I ended up skipping the last one because I was so fed the fuck up. It's such a hectic long schedule, how the fuck do I get anything done? I don't end up eating lunch at all. And I just felt like everything was sucking all day. So I came home, hoping talking to mom or someone would cheer me up, but of course, mom was all preachy and saying how i need some serious help, p, you really need to fix things bla bla. and yea, that made me feel great. What could she say tho? And maybe I do need help. I feel like I'm not living my life. Like I'm not present, I'm just waiting for something. I think all I need is a guy. A guy would make me live in the present, give me something to live for. This is getting to a pretty bad point I think. Think about the poor poor guy I date next. Literally the first thing I'm gonna say to him is, um, so I'm interested in marriage. haha gone. But what can I do? I do things, trying to be comfortable and happy with my currant situation, but they are "bad" apparently and are making me worse and worse and more and more anti-social. and what is my problem anyways? I'm not antisocial, i just...see i don't even know. And what the fuck is a counselor going to say? live in the present, I KNOW, give me some exercises things to practice, I never fucking do those. I don't know the only outcome I see is medication. mehhh.

Late at Night...

I hate when you can hear everyone having fun right outside your window, and you can't find a good movie on netflix so you feel lousy. Even though you went out and had dinner with people earlier! You should feel good about that. Although, people as in the guy you lost your virginity to... I mean at least you lost your virginity, haha, props for that. I'm glad I went through that phase at least once in my life, to get all that normal-person stuff out of the way. Not just sex, haha, just I mean partying and drinking every night. Now I can just.... be myself.

Just a Testament to How Quickly Things Can Change

So..... I'M FEELING GREAT!

It might just be this crisp fall weather that just blew in, but golly, life is good. I'm going to the movies tonight with D, I finished all my canvases yesterday and painted all afternoon and got complimented on my work, realized in the mirror that I'm not thaaaat chubby and kind of attractive, got an amazing lottery number and got into my pottery class!!!  and H is coming up this weekend! We are going to go to a bluegrass concert, have a picnic by the lake, get manicures, go shopping,  go to P.C. for breakfast, pick apples... It's supposed to be beautiful and fall-like this weekend too. I'm so lucky. So besides the fact that I haven't done any of my homework in the past week... haha I got a N.D. game that has been taking up all my time. It wasn't very good though, very predictable and short! Although I did use a cheat website a lot though. That's probably it. Anyways, I'm off to art history with D, then logic, then a break, where I think I'll read in the libe, then mythology! Haven't had a problem with stalker boy lately, I think he's moved on. Phew.

Anyways, hope you're having as great a week as I am!!

Love,

Summer

Revelation...

Went to yoga and realized.... I'm fat. It's gross. After basing my life on the assumption that only beautiful things are worth spending any time on in life, it's disappointing. One would think that I would want to get skinny in a flash and do all I can... but I have no motivation. I think I'm lazy at heart that what mom always says! I'm gonna try to change things around here. Things have got to change.

Summer

Beautiful Day

Mad Men playing in the background... what an interesting show. The people are not entirely exemplary citizens but they're so... real. I can't help but think of my grandmother - she lived that life.
Anyhow, it is an absolutely gorgeous day up here. You can feel fall in the air - the sun is hot but the air is breezy and cool. Fall is my favorite time of year hands down - cider, apples, gourds, thanksgiving, leaves, sweaters, flannel, jeans, and soon, Christmas!! My second favorite time of year. I think I love the smells of Christmas the most, I have two candles, one cinnamon and one pine, and the memories and feelings come flooding back when I think of them.
I've been thinking about what to say to my counselor when I start up seeing her - she'll ask, tell me about yourself, why are you here, etc. And in thinking of answers to those questions, I've discovered a little more about my problems. Putting things in words is very helpful. That's part of the reason I'm going in the first place - having someone who I don't worry what'll they think of me, who I can talk with about my intimate problems, is good for me. A little time out of the day where I feel normal almost. I'm hoping I can start soon.
I also made some inquiries about volunteering at the humane society, walking dogs. I think it'd be great, getting some exercise and being around dogs, my own of which I miss so much! I was thinking about Saturday mornings.
This morning, Sunday, I went out early to the marsh and got some breakfast, then sat in the (my) pine grove under that tree that H and I sat under, and ate and read the Iliad. It was so perfect, and those couple hours out in the sun and fresh air really lifted my spirits. I came back and ddi all this cleaning and got a bunch of stuff in order! It's so funny. It would be a wonder to feel like that all the time. I wonder if that's even possible. But I now plan, every Sun morning, to go out and relax and read in the pine grove.
There's yoga tonight, I can't wait to go. I really wish there were more classes I could make. Stupid classes.
Also, the pottery meeting is this Wednesday! I cannot wait for that, I hope I get into the class on friday. That will be so great for me.
ALSO, I ordered a Nancy Drew game off amazon today!! It's pathetic at how excited I am, I know, I know. I've been obsessed with those games since I got my first one: Treasure in the Royal Tower. It was magical! This one is similar, about some castle in Germany. I was reading in the reviews that people of literally all ages play them! One lady was 78. I don't know what the draw is, it gets your brain working I guess. So, excited for that. A chair for my room will also hopefully be arriving soon.
So tomorrow: painting, reading the Alma Thomas controversy; logic, I don't know. arth - I still have to read that stuff! The discussion we had in that class on fri was mind-numbing. Everyone was so dumb they kept saying the same things over and over and didn't even point out the most important things. The teacher, Anthony, who's quite a looker, married though, handled it well. He's funny. Then mythology - I didn't see stalker boy last class, I'm praying to the gods above that I don't see him tomorrow. Or how about ever again? The class is really interesting, I wish he wasn't there to sour my view of it, and make me literally dread that time of day. Then hopefully, yoga in the evening. Then tues: swimming early, then hort in the evening. I should go downtown in between and get some concealer, look at the furniture stores, go to the borders sale... it supposed to be a nice-ish day. Raining tomorrow, and hotter. I hate that those sticky days.
I also should write H a letter.
And I need milk at the store!
And I need to figure out the rest of my life.




Summer

Luxury

I know I've always been the spokesman for the simple life, but I can't help it, a life of luxury appeals to me so much. In a way, it is a simple life, there are no worries about money! Which causes so many problems these days. I can't help but dream about this life. Here are some of them:

Cars.

Even phones! Solid gold, of course

I've lately become obsessed with watches - some sell for more than cars.

Gems and Riches, of course... diamonds are a girls best friend!

My house will be one for the history books. I would hope to design it myself, but since the best locations are often already taken, I might have to settle. Renovations are possible!

Second/summer homes are a must... one in Tuscany goes without saying...

A throw in one in the Caribbean! U.S. Virgin Islands probably, easy travel.

Perfumes... the best are always expensive. A scent can really add another layer to you.

The most expensive brands in the world. But being well-dressed is important. Imagine spending $10,000 on a single shopping trip. On a single purse!

The ability to afford, and the excuse to wear luxurious evening gowns.

The most expensive pet in the world - a Bengal cat, or "lap leopard". The next best thing to a real leopard!

Pens, fine wines, cigars.

Luxury hotels and luxury travel. Imagine the places you could see if you had money! That's one of my biggest motivators.

Almost goes without saying... this would be the very FIRST thing I buy if I came upon money. Or maybe this:

A beautiful Concordia.

And to buy it all... a credit card made out of gold and platinum! It cost $1,000 to being with and there is no spending limit! As in billions of dollars could be spent. (hopefully) my kind of money.