GO IT SOSE

So it goes.
Kind of crappy day today. Of course it was, cause you wouldn't see me writing here if it was a good day. In Pract of Arth, we had a pop discussion leading exersize, and I didi talk at all, the only thing I said was, who is she looking at. literally. I think there is a good possibility that I will fail this dialogue project. Then in writing, we had MY paragraph as a revision for the whole class, and I got to read it out loud, which of course I loved... but I just wasn't fun, I didn't have good things to say. I can smile, I can laugh, but nothing too smart ever comes out of my mouth, spontaneously, that is. If I have time to think about something, I can make sense of it, and form my opinion on it, and speak to it with due attention. Does that mean I'm dumb? I know our society values people who are witty and say smart things on a dime and have quick comebacks. I honestly would view someone like me as a little slow. Jesus, thats what our entire society is based on isn't it? First impressions? How fucked up is that? I think I remember writing at one point that I wish we all would be required to wear signs around our necks saying our strengths and weaknesses, what we like and don't - who we are. It would just take all that bullshit out of meeting someone for the first time and let humans really get to the core of having a meaningful relationship with someone. And humans are social creatures! Why do we live in a society where we DON'T include everyone, where some people don't want to be part of the society? WHat does that say?
Enough philosophy. Anyways, my day... I guess a highlight was that a cute guy in writing from north of Montreal, who plays hockey and has an amazing french accent, we were partners, and we talked a little bit about country music and living in the woods and chevy trucks... twas kinda nice. And then in color, I guess it was nice because I got my scale all done... but my roommate, whos in that class too, was all chummy with this other girl and their group, and they were showing each other texts... haha I'm so strangely possessive. I was thinking how much I like my living arrangement... we aren't really friends, but I like having someone live with me so I dont act like a complete slob and am not completely  lonely all the time. We seem to have a system worked out - I get up early in the morning and leave before she wakes up, then she doesn't get back to the room until late at night after I've already gone to sleep.. so we hardly ever see each other or get in each others hair. Nice for me, but I don't know how she likes it. Maybe it'd be nice if she switched out and I could have this double all to myself...
Regarding my social situation... I dont see much of anyone on a day to day basis, I run into people, and it's better than going a whole day without talking like I would do at uvm. I talk a lot more. If I didn't go to uvm in the first place, I would never be like this. I wouldn't have such a small amount of confidence.. I would have so many friends, and I would still be close with Kathleen... fuck. But one of the cool things is, I think it might be this medication... I dont really CARE that I dont like to be around people all the time, like I dont worry about it all the time like I did at uvm. I'm a lot more comfortable with myself. But isnt the medicaiton supposed to make me more social....? So maybe this is just me growing up. I kind of see myself all alone for a good portion of the res of my life. I mean, what other way could it possibly go. This is what I'm like. Yea, if I find a guy, how that would even happen i have no idea, but if I did, that would be really nice and I think finding a good guy would make me really happy and make a big difference in the course of my life. But I just dont know how to meet guy, well people in general. I give off a fuck you vibe. I'm fucking sorry world, thats what i do and its not fucking conscious you bastards, I do want to have friends contrary to your stupid fucking uninformed judgmental first opinions of me. Christ.
But, going home this weekend to people who don't judge me and who I KNOW love me and know me and are rooting for me whatever my path. Who would want to waste time with these idiots at school when you have people like that? I'm excited; cooking, baking, harvesting, sitting by the fire, playing with our new kitten! Oh, and btw, it's my 21st bday. my bed and I are really looking forward to having a quality sooze brew later tonight. That was bad sorry. Anyways wahooooooooooooooooooo


SUMS

Hard to Admit This....

Ok, so I'm just realizing this and it's not the most noble thing in the world, so don't judge me too harshly... so, here goes: I think one of my main goals here at college is to find a guy, that might possibly be my husband someday. I know. But I'm just trying to be practical! The majority of the population meet their future spouse in college, and it's hard to meet people your age outside of college, when you have a job, etc. And I really do want a husband, preferably one who is outgoing and active, attractive, romantic... is a disney prince.... it's true, I have high expectations.

Sigh.

Lost...

No, not lost on campus.

I'm just feeling lost in this world, lost in my life, no firm grasp on anything, I don't have anything to live by, or for, or with. You need a purpose in life. Humans like to feel like they are here for a reason, you know, even though we're not. And I'm not above that at all, I'm no elite breed. But GOD I wish I could just be happy with what I do, and who I am, and not always be thinking of the things that I don't have and should be and am not. It's no way to live! I need to ENJOY what I do have, the amazing opportunities that are in front of me right now, and push all that other crap out of my head. Positive thinking, just like mum said. Another thing is how tired I am right now, like I could go to sleep and sleep all day I'm sure. All this interaction, literally, it's tough. And I have two more classes! Christ I wanted to go to the gym tonight but that's looking like it's not gonna happen. Did I tell you about my roommate? She looks like maddi! and shes little and wear flowy bright shirts and likes cartoons and drinking I think and shes really rich and has a lot of clothes and nice things. It's funny how I don't really care that much about what she thinks of me... i dont know if we're going to get along and my hunch is that we're not really. I dont care I just need a place ot sleep. Off to class #2!!!


-Summer

New School, New Year, New Page

So, here I am, at a new school, can you believe it? I hardly can, the past 4 days have been a blur. I've met some nice people, and the campus is beautiful and small, and I have some nice classes coming up. Funny thing, I have hardly hung out with my friend who goes here,  my best friend from high school... she seems to have her own life now, you know? and it doesn't seem like she cares enough about me to let me back in. And why would she, anyhow, I'm an awful friend. Anyways. I've still been having the same thoughts about wanting to be alone when I'm with a group of people... and then feeling bad when I'm alone and thing I should be with people... fuck me, right?? Mum was telling me about a book with a title like, "Imperfections, dealing with who you are and not who you want to be" or something. But that sounds like it was written, I mean literally. Gotta read it.
Oh, and, last night I was reaching for my razor in my bag and bam, it took a chunk out of my finger. I was really bleeding and I couldn't get a bandaid out and I got really dizzy and lightheaded so I went down the hall and had my friend put a bandaid on it... gosh it was intense. But that was nice of her. So I can hardly use my right hand correctly cause it hurts. a lot. Great start to the year huh? I hope I can write... so, I have my first class soon. updates to come. But you know? I feel like I'm living. And it's a great feeling.


-Summer