Longings

I realized today that my mouth waters when I see something I want. Not food anymore, food is my mortal enemy. But other things. My mouth watered when I thought of the the scent of lilacs blooming at home. When I saw the scene of the full moon rising over the prairie in days of heaven. When I think of baking my mum a mothers day cake. When I think about having a house with a wall of windows and a chaise lounge and a rose garden. When I think about my forbidden affair with M. When I think about watching the storm roll in on the top of cemetery hill. When I think of dancing with my sister for hours at our cousins wedding when we were ten. When I dream about being beyonce. (shes a goddess reincarnate, i'm convinced) When I think about being the object of someones fantasy.
Basically, I'm so deprived of LIFE in general that my body has a physical reaction whenever I entertain the idea of living. It's sad I suppose. But I'm hoping that the path I'm on is the right one, and will get me where I want to go.

Dream snapshot

This dream from last night.... I was down at the barn, looking out the window at him, standing up on the road with his old friend. He had just gotten turned in and would be taken away any moment. His dark hair was scruffy from his days in hiding, but his eyes were clear, black, glittering diamonds. His gaze up at the hills and the sky was calm yet inside he was boiling with anger and emotion. He was dressed in old clothes and a brown oil jacket, and I was scared to come out, but I did, because he drew me.


-Sums

I've known about my transfer acceptance for weeks now and I just told my best/only friend about it now. She was really happy for me. I've also had the deposit and acceptance confirmation sitting on my desk for weeks now too, and just can't seem to be able to find an envelope. I wish I knew why. This is a door that's opening up for me, opening up to a thousand new possibilities, a life I actually would enjoy living, full of friends and laughter. Why would I ever want to close that door and continue on this unhappy, lonely path that leads nowhere? What makes the most sense to me is the heart/present over head/future thing. I think my heart is thinking about all the worry I'm going to go through, all the awkwardness, and it doesn't want to go through that, however short it might be. Even a little bit feels bad. But my head knows that in the long run, it could have nothing but good outcomes. Only good things could come of this. I'll be getting a degree, I'll be meeting new people, I'll be developing that social aspect of life, opposed to the academic/intellectual part, which I think I've gotten down these past two years. In life, you always have to be moving forward, and this is the only option I am presented with right now that leads that way. It's all very logical isn't it, almost scientific rules. I think that way, but all my actions up until now have been with my heart. I do things that feel good. Maybe that's why I'm such at odds with myself, because I have these two different things inside of me. Or maybe, I've thought with my heart this whole time, and only now am I realizing the logic part of me, and I'm trying to incorporate that into my life. Do people ever go through life just going off feelings? I wonder how they say no to anything. Say yes to anything. I feel like you'd get hurt a lot but also feel really good a lot too. But, that's not me at all, I'm right in the middle... you know, maybe I'm trying to figure out that balance between head and heart right now. That's why I'm so at odds with myself. Ah, the balance. I remember once I wanted to get the golden mean symbol, or numbers tattooed somewhere. Haha what? I was just thinking about that balance, and it's true, the golden mean is an amazing thing. On the other hand, I'm just glad I'm not in that tattoo phase anymore... But, I havn't found that golden mean yet. But I do believe, with all of my head, I'm on the right track.

Current obsession: harry potter. I know, a little slow on the uptake, but ive only seen a couple movies and i read all the books obsessively, i loved them. Ive watched them all up to the phoeni one. Ive also watched all the youtube vids about cast interviews, behind the scenes, bloopers, etc. it's so cute, they're really a great bunch of people, down to earth even with all their fame. I love tom felton, hes so bubbly, and mat lewis is the epitome of the good things that puberty can do. And hearing them talk about their experience, growing up on set, it's interesting, cause theyre like, yea itll always be a big part of my life, it shaped who i am. and then they always talk about the people, how thats the one things theyll miss, the one thing that they loved about the whole experience. And I think thats very interesting. I mean theyre all the same age as me, at the same place.Where would they be if they didnt audition for this movie? Maybe in a situation similar to mine. It makes me wish that my parents put me into a situation, forced me, put their foot down, made me do some sort of activity that would stay with me all my life, something that gave me a good group of people that i could lean on for the rest of my life. I mean, school, i guess. another reason why you should never homeschool your kids - it messes up their development, interaction with peers is vital. Anyways, maybe its a testament to my strageness, how ive been with peers all my life, except for the last two years, and ive still turned out like this. funny story i saw my old (only) boyfriend out the window of the library today, he was far away but i could tell it was him, golden locks, longboard and all, and even though it was only for maybe 10 seconds i felt my heart just surge... those old feeling of being in a relationship came back and they were feelings i havn't felt in a while... i almost cired. Not for him, but for those feelings. i long for those feelings again, even though theyre not all happy ones. Relationships are so important, ad i can feel that part of me missing. Maybe THAT is whats missing. thats why im so messed up.

I just had an awful thought: what if I just am like this, period, and it is impossible for me to succeed in any social situation, cause i just dont have that base confidence, that apparently some people are born with? Like, I just cant function normally, so what if all this.... my...entire life... is just, not really worth it, a fighting cause? I can't understand what in the world my family sees in me. Why do they still keep rooting for me? Yea, I've gotten some good grades... and they do bring that up most of the time.... but like what good have i show, HUMAN-like? Yea, I'm glad my parents didn't give me much direction so I could figure things out by myself, or I will be glad in the long run, but this fucking sucks. I literally wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I hate every single feeling I'm feeling right now, every single thought that comes into my head, I don't trust them, I don't trust any action I do, or any words my family says. How does anyone my age not commit suicide??!?? Props to everyone who is older than 25!! I salute you and your other worldly bravery and courage that are necessities in order to survive this time. Fuuuuuuck.

Currently obsessed with the song sultan of swing by dire straits. I know its been on the point for ever, and I  usually just pass over it, but did appreciate the finger work. Then I saw the music vid... I am so incredibly captivated by the lead singer, mark something... i think it might partly be the lighting in this vid, but he has these amazing dark eyes, and this amazing fleeting smile, and the crinkles under the eyes, you know that? I think thats so attractive. Come to think of it he looks a lot like my first boyfriend.... hm. Maybe it's a jewish thing, although I'm not jewish... i love curly hair... haha oh my god. What a funny turn on. Anyways, tangent. Procrastinating major, I have a huge test, and a huge paper, and too much huge stuff coming up, and all I want to do is be driving across the country, somewhere other than here. I'm hoping to lose some lbs but that is almost impossible for me. I was realizing, i like things that give you quick pleasure, watching a movie, eating, ming, etc... reading, it takes too long, painting a picture, too long, exercising, too hard... you know. It's too true. More evidence that you cant live in pleasure and comfort your whole life, you HAVE to get out there and take chances.

New Diet...

Going on a cross country road trip this summer, and next to my amazingly beautiful, skinny sister, I'm going to look like a balloon, so I need to start losing lbs right about NOW. I just don't want my weight to hinder me. Giving this a go:


Morning:
-cereal and milk

Mid-morning
-fruit and nuts

Lunch
-salad

Mid-afternoon
-fruit/nuts/nothing

Dinner
-salad


Mon/Wed/Fri: Cereal breakfast. Go to SEasian. After, go to marketplace, get 2 salads, and 3 pieces fruit, bag nuts. Eat snack in d center. After french, eat salad. After music, eat fruit/nuts. Salad for dinner

Tues: Cereal breakfast. Fruit at 10ish. Walk to d center, 11ish, buy 2 salads and fruit/nuts first, then study, eat lunch before heading to arth at 1. After arth, eat fruit/nuts. Eat other salad for dinner

Thurs: Cereal breakfast. Fruit before french. After french, go to marketplace, 2 salads, fruit/nuts. Eat salad. Arth. After, fruit. Salad dinner.

Weekends: go to marche sat morning early, get food for whole weekend.

Vid

Watched this vid on a guy in a skateboarding accident who had a siezure. It was so awful, things like that really get to me I have no idea why I even clicked on it. It's that human curiosity. Oh well.
So, I got done with my ridiculously busy day yesterday... and it was so funny I got back to my room, and I'm like... so what do I do now?? I was so bored, and still am. I do have a long list of long term items I could get going on, but you know how that usually goes. Oh, big step, I decided to go without makeup today! I know I think it's a real sign that I'm growing up, not giving a fuck about what other people think, cause I don't. i want my skin to be healthy and able to breath. So what if I have a blemish or 2? I'm visiting my sister on saturday, that should be fun. we had such a great talk yesterday, and we got a little farther on our summer plans. I'm so excited. Today I'm going to PC and the store to get a light spring jacket, and my ploughmans lunch so i can watch new girl. Lol, all my traditions. I like consistency, and places I'm familiar with. Anyways, off to class, over and out -


Sums

Late Nite

Ran out of advil pms yesterday, and had such a busy day today, i couldn't make it to the pharmacy. Tried to sleep tonight, but literally, there were so many thoughts in my head, I couldn't even close my eyes. I think it might have been partly mental too... on well thats what i do, think. So, i got fed up, got up, dressed, and drove to the 24/7 price chopper in town. It was much needed, to get some more advil pm but also to clear my head. I like it when no one is on the road, just you. I also walked by a big container of strawberries and couldn't resist. They're probably one of my favorite foods, they make me completely happy. But lying in bed earlier, I was having all these big thoughts. Like how maybe it'd be nice to take next year off, get a job, chill. I'm just so hesitant about sm, and i hate it here... i mean why do i keep undermining myself and my gut feelings? why can't i listen to them?? Again with the constant battle between the RIGHT thing to do and what i FEEl like doing. Heart vs. Head. I was also thinking about the world problems, how, if i put my mind to it, i could probably find a reasonable solution to most of them. Or at least find out what the roots are. I have a mind that works that way, deals with the big picture and thinks things through to the end. I just have this social disability thing... what if a mind like mine is wasted? isn't that true of most geniuses, though, they have a hard time socially. But then, I was listening to that new fleet foxes song, about orchards, and how maybe the right thing to do is give up humanity, civilization, and go live on a farm in the countryside. Because I feel like if I tried to solve the worlds problems all i would come up with is that humans, as a species, are fatally flawed. And theres nothing that an ardent speaker, an internet website, a tv show, a book could do about it. Maybe just living your life the way that makes you happy, away from corrupting society, would be good for the soul, and would make your short stay on this earth the best it could be. But then, zoom in a thousand times, back to me, i also was thinking more about a br, and how that keeps coming up, and how maybe to live this life of fulfillment and happiness, I might need smaller ahems, just a comfortable body overall. I long to exercise, really do, I've realized how important it is... but I cannot. I don't know if it would give me confidence or not, but I do believe that it would get me closer to where I want to be.
aw well, advil pm is kicking in.


-Sums

Faith - Restored

Stumbled upon reddit.com while looking at memes... what, they're funny. I went to the imagur part, and clicked through gazillions of pictures for the good part of an hour - i thought it was going to be mindless nerd jokes but there were so many amazing pictures! Inspiring, touching stories, beautiful places, everything. There were so many amazing people in there, and it restored my faith in humanity a great deal! I think popular culture portrays such an inaccurate picture of everyday people these days, not to mention our society encourages isolation, so we just don't know who's out there, and that there is, in fact, still good people in the world. They aren't all gone! It's funny that it takes the internet to see that, when in a way, the internet is the source for a lot of our problems.
Just a thought for the day. Sorry the writing is atrocious... not feeling too good about the essay i have to write tomorrow.


-Sumz

Realizing...

Realizing that there is not one palace where I can let my multitude of guards down and just be myself. I think that's partly because I don't know exactly who I am, but also just because I try to act perfect to everyone, even my family. I always have told myself that home is where I can relax, but I'm not really being myself, I'm just more comfortable there, I know my surroundings and I know where i fit in. Because I feel like if I were "myself" I wouldn't be comfortable anywhere, because I've never been her before and I wouldn't know where to go. It's like, remain comfortable forever, or be uncomfortable and feel great. Be so-so in the middle or both extremes. Life's never easy.


Sums

So, Just to Review...

Things are quite a whirlwind right now. Let us review exactly the multitude of things that are going wrong in my life at the moment, the few good things, and the tasks at hand. (It helps me clear my head. Bare with me.)


Bad:
-Just found out I didn't submit all of my application to my transfer college. Probably won't get in, or even be considered.

-Spent a lot of time on a painting and got an "eh" response.

-Skipped my arth class because i didn't feel like participating in the discussion today. Won't be able to hand in notes, so grade will be lowered. All because I didn't want to talk in front of people.

-French quiz today, studied, but for the wrong things. Probably got all wrong save 2 or 3.



Good:
-Chris talked to me in french class. And smiled.

-I get to go home this weekend.

-I have pretty curly hair today.



So, To Do:
-Write music test.

-Ren Art flash cards.

-Ren Art readings.

-Asian Paper.

-Asian readings.

-French Amelie paragraph and workbook.

-Music listening.





And there it is. That's how it is and there's not much I can do change the fact that this all happened. I can just go from here. How about go do all your school work, get it all done, so you can relax over the weekend and not give a flying f about school at all. I just wonder how I'm going to tell my mum about not getting in to S.  And what the fuck am I going to do next year?!!?? Holy crap freaking out now. Need some new girl and lunch and tea. Gotta go.

GASP! Feelings!

Feelings... I can't tell if this one is because I'm so used to this feeling and it's comfortable now, or if it's just good to be feeling again period. I just painted a (masterpiece) painting for my friend, it's his birthday today. I took the basic design from somewhere else, but I spent so much time finding the right one to give to a guy who doesn't really know art. And it was really good, you know? It was really good, and I spent a whole afternoon painting it. Haha. So I gave it to him, earlier today, and he did the thing, you know when you don't really like something? "ooooooohhhh thaaaaaaank you its so .... niiiiiiiiice." Literally. Fake smile and all. But, I didn't just know if he didn't know how to say thank you, maybe. I just don't know how someone could not like it! I'm not being conceited I promise, and believe me I am very good at reading people. So... I'm just confused, and hurt that he didn't like it, didn't acknowledge my hard work. I tried my hardest and I didn't succeed. It's a bad feeling but it's familiar to poor old me. Sigh. So it goes huh? Those who have it bad have it really bad.

Ah well. Think I'll go read about Brahms and Mahler and drink some tea, and listen to the gusty wind outside, preceding the storm that's on it's way, making the pines whisper.

more thoughts, I guess... what else is there to do?

Watched the little mermaid, listened to fix you by coldplay, and bawled my eyes out. Gosh I'm such a case.

I guess I just get that feeling, when I start to cry, that I'm crying and no one is there to comfort me. And that makes me cry more, and i think how nice it would be just for once to have my own prince philip or eric or charming who would see me and fall in love with me an do anything for me. I wonder if guys ever feel that way. I hate how society has become, how it's so hard for a guy to just go up to a girl. 

I guess I'm just wondering what I'm doing wrong. Like is it this personality thing, where its hard to come out of my shell? Or is it just society man. I was thinking, ok, so im here. where to go now? And basically a boyfriend would fix a lot of my problems, i feel. I mean because right now i am so directionless with such a lack of identity, and i can see no plausible way to get out of that WITHOUT a guy. I mean, he would make me happy, make me feel things good and bad, and so i might attach my identity to his a little bit, but at least it would give me a starting point. Like he would give me the confidence (i know, but its true) to do things and maybe in that i would learn some things about myself. so although he would eventually leave, i would have learned some stuff and maybe have a couple more friends that i could continue my life with feeling happy about. And its like what wrong with that. people say you dont need a guy blah blah but i think they say that to make single women feel better and forget that fact that they are incredibly lonely and do in fact need a guy. or maybe its just incredibly hard to get to the point where you dont need a guy. I was thinking, how could i get there without a guy? Its this thing about confidence. I've been through this a million times. I was thinking body - surgery, br, whatever, get myself to the most perfect body i can have. thats always been a big obstacle for me and i think every other girl on this planet. Or perfect personality - although im beginning to think that theres not a lot about that i can do. I dont want to do medication, because i think they'd be hard pressed to find a medication that give you confidence and selectively deletes all the bad thoughts in my head. I'm just too proud for that type of thing. I think it's one of the biggest paradoxes that i am so incredibly self conscious and have such a lack of self confidence, yet i still think im the prettiest, most intelligent, funniest person out there, or like i have the capacity to be. Well i suppose everyone does in a way. maybe its when you lose that sense of hope to be better thing get bad. i bet it goes away as you get older and nothing happens, you lose it... 

In conclusion, I have no idea about anything, and I have no idea where to go or what to do or how to get anywhere that I want to be. The end.

Sums

Thoughts After a Busy Weekend

I visited my friend at the college I'm thinking of transferring to this weekend. And I'm so full of thoughts, I could hardly get to sleep last night. I was thinking how my introverted side really came out in my actions there: I spent a day and a night and when I woke up the next day I just got this feeling like I needed to go home, like I was too tired and too anxious. And I realized that I had been going for too long (apparently a day is too long) without having some alone time to mull things over and think things through. I just needed it to function. So I made up some excuse and made myself look like an idiot I'm pretty sure, and hurt my friends feelings, and cam home. I feel bad that I can't spend a weekend with my friend, but I feel good that I am realizing that about myself.
But also, I had a lot of thoughts regarding my choice to transfer. As in, kind of questioning it. I talked to some art majors there, and all they said was how much WORK it was. Working - not my strong suit. I'm a lazy fuck. And I don't even know if art is what I really want to focus in. Ah, that's right, I was going to look in to how much work a minor is, that might be less. Also I got the feeling that art history wasn't a big major there. But I guess I knew that. I guess my feelings are that it would be a lot more work, I would be deeply exploring all these subjects, academics would be very important and heavily weighted. But also the social aspect. My friend was saying that it's so small that everyone is kind of trying to meet new people all the time, just to make their life more interesting. So people are for the most part very friendly. Like my friend's friends, they were so so so nice to me. BUT I just don't know if I would be very responsive to that offer of friendship. I just, I don't know, I'm so strange, and weird, and I would push them away I know it. It's just like maybe a big school where I have the opportunity to be anonymous, is what I need. I would just be more comfortable. Looking back now I realize that going to U has probably been the biggest mistake of my life so far. It really got me into this unhealthy antisocial behavior that will be enormously difficult to break out of, if not impossible. I think if, right after high school, I had gone to a place like S, I would have really blossomed and would actually have an ok life now.
So, my dilemma is, where to go from here. Transferring would be incredibly hard in all aspects, but my life might, might, turn around for the better, and I might get on a path where my life could be happier But if I stay here, I think things would stay relatively the same. My social life probably wouldn't be amazing. But I feel like, I'm getting this feeling now, that I would try to get more into things here, if I didn't transfer. Like  it would finally get through my thick skull that I gotta make the best of things here or else it'll suck like it did in years past! And regarding academics, I wouldn't be push as hard as I would at s, but I think I can put into it however much effort as I want and still....do....well. haha. And here, the cost is low, no loans in the future. Close to my family which I really need, and are really the closest support group I have.
So there it is. Thanks for listening to me unload and sort my thoughts. Much needed.


oxox
Sums