I visited my friend at the college I'm thinking of transferring to this weekend. And I'm so full of thoughts, I could hardly get to sleep last night. I was thinking how my introverted side really came out in my actions there: I spent a day and a night and when I woke up the next day I just got this feeling like I needed to go home, like I was too tired and too anxious. And I realized that I had been going for too long (apparently a day is too long) without having some alone time to mull things over and think things through. I just needed it to function. So I made up some excuse and made myself look like an idiot I'm pretty sure, and hurt my friends feelings, and cam home. I feel bad that I can't spend a weekend with my friend, but I feel good that I am realizing that about myself.
But also, I had a lot of thoughts regarding my choice to transfer. As in, kind of questioning it. I talked to some art majors there, and all they said was how much WORK it was. Working - not my strong suit. I'm a lazy fuck. And I don't even know if art is what I really want to focus in. Ah, that's right, I was going to look in to how much work a minor is, that might be less. Also I got the feeling that art history wasn't a big major there. But I guess I knew that. I guess my feelings are that it would be a lot more work, I would be deeply exploring all these subjects, academics would be very important and heavily weighted. But also the social aspect. My friend was saying that it's so small that everyone is kind of trying to meet new people all the time, just to make their life more interesting. So people are for the most part very friendly. Like my friend's friends, they were so so so nice to me. BUT I just don't know if I would be very responsive to that offer of friendship. I just, I don't know, I'm so strange, and weird, and I would push them away I know it. It's just like maybe a big school where I have the opportunity to be anonymous, is what I need. I would just be more comfortable. Looking back now I realize that going to U has probably been the biggest mistake of my life so far. It really got me into this unhealthy antisocial behavior that will be enormously difficult to break out of, if not impossible. I think if, right after high school, I had gone to a place like S, I would have really blossomed and would actually have an ok life now.
So, my dilemma is, where to go from here. Transferring would be incredibly hard in all aspects, but my life might, might, turn around for the better, and I might get on a path where my life could be happier But if I stay here, I think things would stay relatively the same. My social life probably wouldn't be amazing. But I feel like, I'm getting this feeling now, that I would try to get more into things here, if I didn't transfer. Like it would finally get through my thick skull that I gotta make the best of things here or else it'll suck like it did in years past! And regarding academics, I wouldn't be push as hard as I would at s, but I think I can put into it however much effort as I want and still....do....well. haha. And here, the cost is low, no loans in the future. Close to my family which I really need, and are really the closest support group I have.
So there it is. Thanks for listening to me unload and sort my thoughts. Much needed.
oxox
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