I guess I just get that feeling, when I start to cry, that I'm crying and no one is there to comfort me. And that makes me cry more, and i think how nice it would be just for once to have my own prince philip or eric or charming who would see me and fall in love with me an do anything for me. I wonder if guys ever feel that way. I hate how society has become, how it's so hard for a guy to just go up to a girl.
I guess I'm just wondering what I'm doing wrong. Like is it this personality thing, where its hard to come out of my shell? Or is it just society man. I was thinking, ok, so im here. where to go now? And basically a boyfriend would fix a lot of my problems, i feel. I mean because right now i am so directionless with such a lack of identity, and i can see no plausible way to get out of that WITHOUT a guy. I mean, he would make me happy, make me feel things good and bad, and so i might attach my identity to his a little bit, but at least it would give me a starting point. Like he would give me the confidence (i know, but its true) to do things and maybe in that i would learn some things about myself. so although he would eventually leave, i would have learned some stuff and maybe have a couple more friends that i could continue my life with feeling happy about. And its like what wrong with that. people say you dont need a guy blah blah but i think they say that to make single women feel better and forget that fact that they are incredibly lonely and do in fact need a guy. or maybe its just incredibly hard to get to the point where you dont need a guy. I was thinking, how could i get there without a guy? Its this thing about confidence. I've been through this a million times. I was thinking body - surgery, br, whatever, get myself to the most perfect body i can have. thats always been a big obstacle for me and i think every other girl on this planet. Or perfect personality - although im beginning to think that theres not a lot about that i can do. I dont want to do medication, because i think they'd be hard pressed to find a medication that give you confidence and selectively deletes all the bad thoughts in my head. I'm just too proud for that type of thing. I think it's one of the biggest paradoxes that i am so incredibly self conscious and have such a lack of self confidence, yet i still think im the prettiest, most intelligent, funniest person out there, or like i have the capacity to be. Well i suppose everyone does in a way. maybe its when you lose that sense of hope to be better thing get bad. i bet it goes away as you get older and nothing happens, you lose it...
In conclusion, I have no idea about anything, and I have no idea where to go or what to do or how to get anywhere that I want to be. The end.
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