an unlived life

a thousand things i want to say. a million feelings i want to convey, hundreds of lives i want to live, to experience, to enjoy. I want to feel the pain of love, the joy of love... why can i only find myself in another person? I thought i was strong... but all im doing is sitting here waiting for prince charming. i guess disney fairy tales only come true if youre pretty,and  have money/a title. the rest of us... i just dont know where to go.is a life really lived if all the expressions within us are never fully let out? if we dont get to do everything the world allows.... i guess the world would be a mess wouldnt it. but there has to be a middle ground...i just cant stay like this forever.

dreams about matt

Thats what its gotten to... he was sugaring with dad and he came over to have some beers, i was trying to tell a story about some bears but no one listened. I went to my room for a bit and when i came back i found that everyone was in bed together, matt andd wife mum and dad.... how messed up. the women were completely naked but matt still had a t shirt and boxers. i yelled am them to stop, said how gross it is while i am still here... they stopped and were watching tv, matt was curled around mom... when i looked at him, he was sorry for me, he felt bad, embarrassed but more just sad and pity for me. poor pathetic girl. pathetic. maybe you have some control issue, he said quietly. he felt nothing foe me, HE FEELS NOTHING FOR ME, he never will he has a family. youve never felt what it feels like to be cared for genuinely and chosen over another woman, so dont think it gonna start now. How will you ever know what that feels like, with your pathetic solitary life and no ambition... im sorry, matt, that you have so have sucha messed up person in your life and i hope that i never act on it and if i do im sorry.

Hand

Did i mention how alone i was? the entire time, no one came with me, they asked if there was a friend who i wanted to call, who could come with me or who could pick up my stuff... no one. i have no friends here! its the truth so totally. But i was just thinking how kind all of the people who were there who helped me instead... the paramedic, tim, he had a wife and kids and was kind of a douche bag - he was fidlig with iv and touched my boob, he said sorry didnt mean to touch your BOOB. just, who says that? out loud to a poor girl all alone in an ambulance. I let my hand rrest against his leg seemingly by accident but not. when he left me hw told me to make him a pottery thing. i laughed but in hindsight what a dick thing to say. then there were my nursees, so kind and caring... why do i think about sex all the time... my life revolves around it... my thoughts...probably because of my lack of it... i just need some so i can get back to normal...how much fun would a fling with matt be....

Matt

So as you might have heard, I have ultimately f-ed up my my hand at work. Stitches, brace, pain killers, everything. It was an idiotic mistake, my bad completely, they say i am lucky to still have my hand. T was telling me that a boy before his freshman was playing with fireworks and blew his right hand completely off. So messed up. Anyways, M was out of the studio when i did it, and when he came in his face, he just seemed horrified, disgusted, unhappy, mad...I didnt think he really thought of me... but i emailed him on sunday to tell him that i still have a hand, and he wrote back, saying he  was so relieved to hear from me, he had been thinking the worst and was glad that it wasnt worse...it was touching, i was glad he thought of me. but then i went to see him and that paul guy today, to tell them the deets of the deed. I felt embarrassed telling that i was completely not paying attention and was careless. but when matt saw me, was said he was so glad to see me and he just wanted to kiss my fingers, and had a sleepless night on friday thinking about me, and he was glad that i wasnt just a figment of his imagination and i was here in person. i melted. i really like him! i cant believe he was so concerned. i just, ive never felt that befre, or lately, having some CARE sbout me. i miss it. I hope i dont freak out around matt now. sigh.

Gay

So a guy at work thought I was gay. OR at least asked which one I am. I shouldn't be upset, he was just being polite, but I'd be lying to myself if I believed that being anything other that white and straight didn't earn you a few stares in this country. That;s why I'm insulted, I know i'd be looked at weirdly. And he couldn't tell? Am I butch or something? I always thought I was feminine. I'm wearing these pretty turquoise earrings right now and and orange silk scarf. What if it's my jaw, I always knew it was too big and unfeminine. I'm pretty sure I would be disowned if I were gay. My parents hint at that too, they say, if you ever get a boyfriend...or girlfriend..... it's like come on. Why do people who like to keep personal things to themselves get so fucking screwed over and judged to eternity?? Why is being outgoing so fucking prized? Fuck this society.

ThoughtZZZZzzzz

I just got back from break, and that night I stayed up too late and stressed myself out too much regarding this idiotic magazine paper and presentation due the next day. And you know the kicker, I didn't even have time to present! Rather, some idiots powerpoint didnt work and then shes like soooo whos next on the list and before she could call my name im like, yup, that'd be me, i was hoping to go wednesday because this piece of shit in front of me right now would make you cry and quit teaching. I didn't even know what i was trying to say, do I even now? Shiiiiit. Hardly, I dont think my argument makes any sense. Fuck it. You know what I cant stand though, is that motherfucking idiot james. What an arrogant dick, I hate how he makes fun of josh and josh just giggles and goes along with it. I feel like I'm the only one who wants to punch him in the face every time he opens his mouth... an I missing something? Are they missing something? I just I just dont like him because he visibly judges people and I dont want him to judge me, I dont want to see him judge me and see what he thinks of me... if its good, i guess thatd be ok, but i dont think he could manage saying something good about anyone else except himself. I dont think I like people who have a high opinion of themselves.
Anyways basically all I feel like doing lately is just getting out of class asap and coming back and getting into my cozy pjs and snuggling into my cozy bed and watching the mentalist and fantasizing about patrick jane questioning me in that little room. Is that not called depression? What, I have the internet, i'm still living. This cold piece of metal and plastic gives me everything I need to be happy. Everything.


-S

Strange dream/reality

I had one of the strangest experiences last night... I still can't figure out if it was a dream, or it actually happened.... So, I wake up in the middle of the night to voices out in the hall. It sounds like Z and s and g maybe, that group, with the girl who lives right next to me. How I identified her voice, I don't know. But they were kind of dropping that girl off at her room. They were saying goodbye when z says wait doesn't (me) live on this floor? And the girl says yea, she does, I mean shes alot younger than me so I don't really know her. I mean I don't see her around much, but I know she's in her room a lot, like A LOT. But I bet she has meetings and stuff that she does. And z says, aw I mean that's just so SAD. Oh well, bye! And they leave. Strange right? Writing it out now I see that it must have been a dream. I literally havn't spoken to that girl once and how could she tell I was in my room a lot? Which I am not, by the way, I'm never in my room. And why would they talk about me right outside of my door when they could clearly see my name on it? But that feeling....THAT feeling is real, of having people talk about you and then think you're strange....pretty real. I woke up in the mornign having no idea which way was up, I was so incredibly out of it, was I dreaming then too? Am I dreaming now? Sometimes without a lot of human connection it's hard to know if you actually exist. It's a sad, sad life I lead.

-S