Well, first day of classes down...I should count how many left I have to go. I mean really. Make a calendar like T. Classes were good, fun actually, the only thing that bummed me out was apparently A is in my horticulture class... I really enjoyed being in that alone. It's in the same room as my plant class last year, and I sit in the same place... It's just I fell like that's MY thing, my real self, and now I'm going to be pretending to not like it because A's there... you know what, no, I don't care what he thinks. I did have dinner with him the other night, and it's just funny because I realized how much I really...don't...like him! Like, as a person! He's such a fucking pushover, a pussy I can't stand it now that I think about it. I guess I've really put up with him cause he's been my only friend up here. He's veeery similar to K, but in guy form. So, it doesn't work. You know that's what I'm supposed to be doing, figuring out who my real friends are. Maybe UVM's not the place for me, this though keeps coming back to me. I was SO thrilled about taking a semester off... shit what the hell am I going to do.
Therapy time!!!!
Summer
Wednesday, August 31
Monday, August 29
Musings
Why is this happening to me? What did I do to deserve this? I guess it's what I didn't do that made this happen. I put this all on myself I can't just expect some other worldly force to clean it all up.
But is it so bad that I do? Is it so fucking bad that I think I deserve someone else to think, huh, I'd like to talk to that girl, and strike up a conversation. Someone else for a change?!? It's always me! I deserve it! I'm pretty, I actually am, in real life not just in my head, I was called the prettiest girl in my high school even! I'm funny, I'm intelligent, I know about things, about the ways of the world, I'm elegant, I'm formal, polite and have manners, I'm thoughtful, understanding, I would be a great girlfriend/wife, really, I understand guys really well. Also, I've beed told I'm excellent in bed! haha! So there! The ONLY problem is, I'm not good at, what, starting conversations? seeming inviting? It takes a little bit to get to know me, is that so bad? People don't want to do any work anymore. It used to be that men saw a pretty face and they followed her around and wanted to take her out. What happened to those days? Why do guys care about personality now? hahaha. I wish I lived in the 50's. shit. I hate how I constantly, constantly beat myself up, thinking that I'm the one with the problem and I have to change. Maybe they're the wrong ones. What, so everyone else in this world is wrong and I'm the only right one? That can't be. Maybe things are the way they are for a reason. Maybe people act this way for a reason, like it the best way for humans, as a species, to live. I don't know. But then again, sometimes I think all I really need is a good guy in my life. Then all my problems would be solved. I get such a dirty feeling when I think that, like not that way, but just not right, just gross, unclean. Kind og like how I feel when I think of M and K. Cant get a more fucked up ... thats not true at all they really... jesus who cares about them.
I really hope all this shit going on right now leads somewhere. Leads to a happier me. (Who lives in Tuscany?)
Summer
But is it so bad that I do? Is it so fucking bad that I think I deserve someone else to think, huh, I'd like to talk to that girl, and strike up a conversation. Someone else for a change?!? It's always me! I deserve it! I'm pretty, I actually am, in real life not just in my head, I was called the prettiest girl in my high school even! I'm funny, I'm intelligent, I know about things, about the ways of the world, I'm elegant, I'm formal, polite and have manners, I'm thoughtful, understanding, I would be a great girlfriend/wife, really, I understand guys really well. Also, I've beed told I'm excellent in bed! haha! So there! The ONLY problem is, I'm not good at, what, starting conversations? seeming inviting? It takes a little bit to get to know me, is that so bad? People don't want to do any work anymore. It used to be that men saw a pretty face and they followed her around and wanted to take her out. What happened to those days? Why do guys care about personality now? hahaha. I wish I lived in the 50's. shit. I hate how I constantly, constantly beat myself up, thinking that I'm the one with the problem and I have to change. Maybe they're the wrong ones. What, so everyone else in this world is wrong and I'm the only right one? That can't be. Maybe things are the way they are for a reason. Maybe people act this way for a reason, like it the best way for humans, as a species, to live. I don't know. But then again, sometimes I think all I really need is a good guy in my life. Then all my problems would be solved. I get such a dirty feeling when I think that, like not that way, but just not right, just gross, unclean. Kind og like how I feel when I think of M and K. Cant get a more fucked up ... thats not true at all they really... jesus who cares about them.
I really hope all this shit going on right now leads somewhere. Leads to a happier me. (Who lives in Tuscany?)
Summer
Classes!
The only thing that's keeping me going right now is excitement for my CLASSES! I can't wait to learn all this new cool stuff. Ok, my classes:
Swimming for Fitness - excited to learn a physical activity that I can keep doing (correctly!) for the rest of my life. I love swimming too.
Farm and Garden Horticulture - I am taking this because I loved my plant class last year. I don't know, something really intrigues me about learning all I can about my home and maybe my future home if I want it to be.
Italian 001- the sole reason I am taking this class is because of Frances Mayes' Under the Tuscan Sun. No kidding you. I want to visit Italy so bad!
Art History Renaissance to Modern - no explanation needed, expect that I'm thinking art history might be what I want my career to be eventually! also D's in this class with me. We had such a great time last year.
Introduction to Logic - I'm taking this because it counts for the one math credit that I need to graduate! Genius! I love thinking about logic and mind-twisting ideas.
Myths and Legends of the Trojan War - I love learning about ancient Greece and classical periods. I have always been fascinated by Greek gods too. In this class we are reading The Odyssey, The Iliad, The Aeneid, etc. Any educated person can carry on a conversation about these books! I can't wait to be educated!
Allllsssoooo some extracurricular activities: a intermediate pottery class, drop in yoga classes, a meditation class, some regular counseling! and hopefully volunteering at the local humane society walking dogs.
Doesn't that sound great?! I hope it will keep me busy enough to keep my mind of all my problems. I really do have problems, don't I. That's one of the first time's I've admitted it. I try to act all perfect all of the time, and now I've started to think that I am.... that's weirdly scary.
Any-fuckin-ways, over and out,
Summer
Here We Go Again.
Welp, I'm back. It's funny I didn't write in this blog at all over the summer... I guess that means I didn't need to! I heard this great quote the other day, "diaries are for lonely people" and I have never heard truer words! They hope that someday, they we be important or loved enough so that someone will actually want to read their about thoughts and experiences. So true.
But, I'm back nonetheless. I have a single, which I did a lot to get, I actually kind of ruined the end of my summer trying to get it. I was going to live in this special programmed housing but then one day I realized that I would totally not survive living there (they were talking about going on trips together on winter break! terrifying!) and I freaked out and did all I could to get a single. It was really hard, I have never been so confused at my own behavior in my life. And, although I'm pretty sure my actions had nothing to do with it, it was just dumb luck, they called me up one day and said they had a single open.
So the room: It's smaller than I'd like, but it had 3 big windows which is amazing. I'm planning on filling the windowsill with plants and growing scarlet runner beans around the edges. I also want to get more cushioning for my bed, and make it more like my bed at home - my bed at home is a wonder, it's so comfortable. I haven't put up all my posters/tapestries yet, I've been lazy, but I will soon and it will look very warm and inviting them , the walls are white cinderblock right now haha. Top-of-the-line dorm! I did put up some photos, though, and it's funny, most of them are of me. They are my favorite pictures of myself. I mean, it's just inspiration for me really, and testament to how pretty I really am and how I will get back to that body and confidence one day.
Mom came up with me and helped me unload and unpack. I was really glad she was there, she's really been my only friend this summer and we've had some really great times together. It was the saddest thing when she left though, she turned and looked back before she went down the stairs, and she looked as if she were going to cry. I went back into my room and balled my eyes out watching her drive away. I can't take these transitions.
But the strangest thing is, I've been lying to her and everyone at home, saying that yea, I've hung out with A, and yea I met all his friends, and yea the dining hall is really cool. When in reality, I've been in my room except for two times, once getting my textbooks and the other getting some microwaveable dinners and cereal! Haha! I just don't want her to worry. I know her and dad were really surprised at how upset this single room thing made me, and they realized I had some real problems. Plus, she have better things to worry about than me, I just want her to be happy and think about me in a good light.
But the moral of this post is, nothing has changed. Here we go again. I don't want to hang out with anyone, I don't want anyone to think I'm weird, I want to be as perfect- LOOKING as possible. And I'm already not happy, I'm already longing for home and summer and tanz and donkers and the garden and my big bed.
I really don't know how I'm gonna make it through and entire year of this.
Summer
But, I'm back nonetheless. I have a single, which I did a lot to get, I actually kind of ruined the end of my summer trying to get it. I was going to live in this special programmed housing but then one day I realized that I would totally not survive living there (they were talking about going on trips together on winter break! terrifying!) and I freaked out and did all I could to get a single. It was really hard, I have never been so confused at my own behavior in my life. And, although I'm pretty sure my actions had nothing to do with it, it was just dumb luck, they called me up one day and said they had a single open.
So the room: It's smaller than I'd like, but it had 3 big windows which is amazing. I'm planning on filling the windowsill with plants and growing scarlet runner beans around the edges. I also want to get more cushioning for my bed, and make it more like my bed at home - my bed at home is a wonder, it's so comfortable. I haven't put up all my posters/tapestries yet, I've been lazy, but I will soon and it will look very warm and inviting them , the walls are white cinderblock right now haha. Top-of-the-line dorm! I did put up some photos, though, and it's funny, most of them are of me. They are my favorite pictures of myself. I mean, it's just inspiration for me really, and testament to how pretty I really am and how I will get back to that body and confidence one day.
Mom came up with me and helped me unload and unpack. I was really glad she was there, she's really been my only friend this summer and we've had some really great times together. It was the saddest thing when she left though, she turned and looked back before she went down the stairs, and she looked as if she were going to cry. I went back into my room and balled my eyes out watching her drive away. I can't take these transitions.
But the strangest thing is, I've been lying to her and everyone at home, saying that yea, I've hung out with A, and yea I met all his friends, and yea the dining hall is really cool. When in reality, I've been in my room except for two times, once getting my textbooks and the other getting some microwaveable dinners and cereal! Haha! I just don't want her to worry. I know her and dad were really surprised at how upset this single room thing made me, and they realized I had some real problems. Plus, she have better things to worry about than me, I just want her to be happy and think about me in a good light.
But the moral of this post is, nothing has changed. Here we go again. I don't want to hang out with anyone, I don't want anyone to think I'm weird, I want to be as perfect- LOOKING as possible. And I'm already not happy, I'm already longing for home and summer and tanz and donkers and the garden and my big bed.
I really don't know how I'm gonna make it through and entire year of this.
Summer
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