Dream 2

Dream last night...
Mom and I were in the house, it was late, and these guys tried to break in. We went around making sure all the doors and windows were locked, but then I noticed the front door was wide open. I ran into the mudroom trying to get there in time, because they were coming up the steps, and I get there just as the head guy came through the door. I flung myself against the door trying to close it, but he is strong and keeps it open. I hit his shoulder and try to push away his head, pretty much girl fighting, and he chuckled, but annoyed like. Then he got sick of it, and pushed me away up against the wall. One hand was on my belly and his arm was across my neck. He was intense and dark and scary, but I had the feeling that he wouldn't really hurt me... I didn't even try to put up a fight and was going to let him do whatever me wanted to me, until mom came in and got him out the door.
It's kind of bad isn't it? Feeling aroused by dangerous people? People who want to hurt you? I clearly have some issues.



-sums

Dreams in the Day...

Those are the worst, having dreams while taking a nap, and then you wake up and you have no idea what time it is or what's happening... I had a final today, and afterwards I came back to my room and slept from 10:30 to 3. I know. I had a dream about me and my little bro, we were camping up at our neighbors, but it was that weird house that I've made up, with all the ladders and secret apartments... and then in the morning we were going to leave and there was a bear. It was like red-purple, and had a weird distorted face... it kind of knew we were there, but it was ignoring us and kind of sleeping at the edge of the woods. And r didn't know, he was chatting away, and I was trying to get all of our stuff to fit in to one bag so we could run faster, but then I started playing with the food bag. And the bear looks up at us. And I say r just drop your stuff we gotta go the bear saw us. And hes like, bear? and his poor little face, pure terror passes over it. Because you know how his worst fear was bears when he was little? Poor poor little guy. My heart is ripped out of my body when I see r sad or scared, even in dream. Anyways we started running, then the bear started running, and all of a sudden there were hundreds of raspberry colored bears all around us! And then I dont really know what happened next. I think we might have been saved, dad came up on the four wheeler brandishing like four different guns. Then there was a nancy drew themed dream, something about the shop, and something hidden that we needed to find before the bad guy did. And then, the worst dream of all. Our neighbor came over, dads friend,  and the grown ups were chatting, and then things got heated. Dad said something in an angry rant about mom being with the neighbor. And as he said it, he pointed at me. Like I was the milkman's daughter! I remember my face dropping, I didn't even care about anything else. I confronted mom about it, and she gets that guilty smile face she does, and doesnt really answer, then I am like mom i need to fucking know, and h is there, backing me up, wow. Then mom says guiltily, that well, she was lonely! And that was the whole explanation. I remember thinking in the dream or after or sometime about how dad was mad at the neighbor for sleeping with his wife, not mad at his wife. Like the woman cant be held responsible for her lust. Anyways, what the fuck kind of dream is that. How messed up. I had to call my real parents in real life later that day, and I literally could not bring myself to do it because I was still so shaken up. And then, I had a paper to finish, and I just was in a haze the entire time, so strange. And now, I know that I'm not going be able to sleep because I need 5 hours less of sleep tonight. Ugh. But home tomorrow! Excited but at the same time, kind of not sure what to think, hoping its not too boring and bad...

-sums

More Dreams

My friend has been having reoccurring dreams about snakes recently. She looked it up and said it means something about sexual tension, haha, but also that theres something in her life that she can't see, doesn't know about. I don't know if I believe those Freudian ideas, but I do think that it means something about her unconscious - her brain is playing on a fear of hers, or snakes came up in a book she read, or something. It's neat what dreams can say about us and our minds when we don't know it. They're almost like an alternate life you are living, or another person who is inside of you, living separately. I woke up last night, at 4am, right in the middle of dream time. I don't know what woke me up, but it was really freakish - I didn't know what was reality or dream, those two worlds were still so connected. My brain was in such a flowy, fluid, ephemeral, otherworldly state. My day-brain, my logic brain was turned off. It's weird to think of this whole other side of ourselves, the one that lives in the night time.We associate out beings with the day-time, awake self. But really we are composed of both. It's good that we get to know all parts of ourselves. I guess that's why I'm so interested in my dreams. I want to figure them out and get to know my night-self.


In other news... I feel like I've been a ton more social during exam week.... exactly when I shouldn't be more social. Just all these study groups, and running into people in the library, cause literally everyone is in the library, it is sooo full. I ran into k today in the lib, she was sitting with d, and it was fun, people stopped by, d is really chatty, and i got zero work done all day but it was fun. I've also been having a lot of study sessions with k and l, form meso, and it was fun at first, but it got pretty pointless near the end, we all have really different ways of studying. k likes to write every tiny thing from her notes again, i just write the important things, and l didn't do shit because she didn't like the class. It was a mess and when i finally left early tonight, i got done like double the amount we've done in a week. and the exams tomorrow. i'm past caring though, you know. I do have a huge paper for ah that i havn't started due in two days.... and i want to paint my family pictures for xmas... so much to do! Painting might be nice to do at home. Can't wait to get home. Apparently they have snow....


-sums

Dream World

I feel like lately, I have been having big, long epic dreams that last all night, and are really spread out, like a western movie, or seasons of the fall. Not the juicy dreams about guys that I would prefer. But maybe this is showing how I'm growing up, how I'm realizing life is a journey, it's long. Maybe it's that theres so much that im not saying/doing during the day that it's all coming out at night. I'm living through my dream. That's kinda like living right? I know for a fact that I feel all the same emotions as if I were awake. The dream world is such a interesting, relevant thing in my life right now. I kind of, well, live there.

-sums

Dream

Did I ever tell you that I have a dream about getting a mike/cody sandwich? Like, right in front of my junior locker, as they used to... I remember saying, gosh, that wasn't as hard as it usually is, you guys are getting weak.


......why do I miss high school so much?




-sum

A Substantive Post

I just... well, ok let me start at teh beginning. The beginning? I don't even know when this all started. ANyways, my newest obsession is Supernatural, I watch it while painting, it make me creative and edgy. So when I get a new fave tv show I always like to look up the gag reel and interviews with the characters, just so I can totally kill illusion and see that they are real people. And I did this yet again with sn, but it just, killed me..... jared is so nice, and his gf, well wife, well mother of his children, they seem like a happy couple, and he seems like literally a really, really sweet guy. he was talking about how he met her, and he was saying how the first time they did a scene together she was in her underwear ,so of course he thought she was beautiful... then they starting hanging out later... and there was this one interview with both jensen and jared, and it was so cute, they looooved the attention they were cracking jokes and fooling around, adorable. But jensen does seen like more of a bad boy... well i mean he has a wife. What the fuck! why do i fall for guys on tv!!! why are they in their 30s!!! why do i never ever have the tinyest chance with them ever in hell? Like why not, why the hell not? What about me is not jared or jensen material huh? What if all they go for is pretty girls? I didnt think the world was like that, i thought guys matured and like girls for their minds as they grew up... well not totally minds, but their whole being instead of jsut their boobs. But, maybe not. And if not, is that really bad for me? People always look at me walking around, I even get some double takes, but is that ecaue Im pretty, or is it cause im wierd looking? Idont know! I mean I think im wierd looking, like fundamentally strange, but my parents tell my im pretty and one guy in high school told me i was beautiful, ,and another said i was the prettiest girl in the school. But whos to know. And i dont have a bf, or friends, so what about that huh? dont pretty girls get asked out every day by strangers? Maybe guys are becoming pussies and i just have bad timing. Either way theirs something fundamentally wrong with me... interesting, "wrong"... i dont htink wrong, i jsut think theres something with me. theres something about me. something...different.  Sigh. its late.


-sums

Christmastime!

Although coming to my blog makes me think of lovely spring and summer and green grass - IT'S CHRISTMAS TIME HERE IN NEW ENGLAND!!! I love xmas. Cookies, lights, snow, christmas music... heaven, every year. I can't wait to visit home and cook and bake and wrap presents... but it's funny, unlike at uv, i'm not like totally desperate to go home. I honestly wouldn't mind staying here longer... or rather, I won't mind coming back. I feel like a whole MONTH at home might get a little tiring. It always does. I romanticize my home a great deal. But I god, how can you not? It's heaven up there! Warm house, big kitchen, dogs and cats, little fuzzy donkey, chicken and rabbits, big gardens, wreaths decorating every door, fireplace, our old christmas movies, a big christmas tree... can't wait!


-Sums

Roommates

So, my roommate - we have kind of an unspoken agreement, how to we work living together. I wake up early, she sleeps late, she parties at night, I go to bed early... so we hardly ever see eachother. It's ok with me, it works out. Because I like time alone, but I also like having someone around so I don't feel lonely... I know, I know, say whatever you say. But it's how I like it. So anyways, her friend from her old college was in the area and she's spending the night in our room. So they come storming in, and they start talking, and jesus, where do I start. She voted for Romney! Holy fuck! she listens to country music, taylor swift is her fave. They just were telling stories about how druuuuunk they get, and apparently my roommate has a guy shes been hooking up with here.... woo wooo! But then, she was telling her friend about her ex bf... and holy shit theres a story. So apparently he took a video of a girl showering, and got kicked out of his old school. And hes bi, and he also took a vid of a GUY showering. And then he went to my rm school, and she didnt know any of this! then she found out, and  he started an application to her new school... he sounds like a fucking psychopath, #1. And her mother still thinks she is crazy for breaking up with him, even tho she knows this... I mean, its just things that I can't wrap my head around, because my life is so quiet, so peaceful and slow. No drama. At least at this point in it. It just reminds me of how other people live out there, I hesitate to say what the world is really like because I don't think everyones like that, thank goodness. I start to think I'm unknowledgeable of the real world, but then I realize that my family is just different, I am different, I was raised differently. I dont know. I'm just thinking about things. It's ridiculous that a little thing like this can totally throw my little world out of orbit. My little one person world.


-sums

Ondine

Great movie, I just saw it - romantic yet dark, beautiful yet real life. Wonderful. The female lead is beautiful, and real, and she is sexualized, but not in a bad way, a full of life way, a real beauty way. I love that her relationship with C isn't 100% sexual, theres a lot more too it. And it all revolves around A in a way, they both love her. That's very real too, loving a child, not just focus on sex. It's a grown up relationship.
I was thinking, how I flirt, I think that's what it is, with J in the studio, and I wonder how I come off... I was thinking how lily is with him, she seems like she really acts her age, she is kind of cold towards him, makes fun of him... its how older girl act to immature guys that age... I'm probably lilys age but i act like his bro. He invited me to come over. Anyways I don't know how I could ever have a grown up relationship with an older man, if i cant even act my age with this young guy. I think I'm pretty far behind on the whole love/relationship thing. I dont know anything. Yes I can watch movies and read about love and see how it's done but that doesn't compare to real life, it's harder to keep those things in your mind as you live in the real world. Ah, the real world. The source of all my problems.
My sister decided to bring her boyfriend to thanksgiving. Along with her bff and her respective boyfriend. And me... no friends or boyfriend even if i did want to bring anyone. I just hate how she doesnt even think about the rest of us before she invite people to stuff like this... she doesnt realize that we like to be alone and have time with just us. She only thinks about herself, her happiness. If she wants to be a part of this family, she needs to bend a little, she needs to adapt. We've put up with her shit until now, I think we've paid our dues.
I hate this, this feeling that I'm always wrong. It's ingrained in my brain you know. I think that's the source of all my problems. I think it's based back to the untalkativeness in school and how teachers always wrote on my report cards, shed be great if she only spoke up a little more!! Idiots. Extroverts are so unfoundedly valued in our society. I've been told the essentality of who I am is wrong, and I guess I've heard it so many times, it's engrained into my thinking, and now I tell myself that too. Also with men, I just feel like the majority of relationships i've had have ended in rejection in someway. and again, i asked myself, what did i do wrong? I just dont want to get hurt. I just think that theres is something wrong with me, and no one will like me. What if it's actually society who is wrong? I don't know. I like the idea of myself being a poor martyr, that i'm in the right, theyre in the wrong. I just need some validation, you know? that I'm not a complete strange person, I'm ok. But I can't find someone who will give that to me.... so i guess i must be strange....

Big Ideas

I was thinking about my writing style - how I jump to big ideas too quickly, don't elaborate on the small stuff - I think that's because of my place in life - I'm dealing with these big ideas in my real life, I'm trying to figure out what all the small stuff means in the big picture. Maybe... maybe that means that in my real life, I need to focus on some of the small stuff too. Life isn't good when it's all lived in your head.
Anyways I'm enjoying a chill night off watching movies (watched the other boylen girl, onto avatar, yes). I really do hate to say it, but I'm the laziest person on the planet. I love this stuff. I love experiencing feelings while in the comfort, safety of your own bed. Ah, cowardly but worth it.

School

TRIED to register for classes today, found out I am a sophomore, credit wise. Fuck this shit I am a junior! I hate going through all this no good classes available thing all over again. I suppose it is the one bad things about transferring. This sucks mahor. And I have my full day of classes today... would it be bad if I just skipped them all, fuck it? watched movies? I want to, there is nothing better, but I cant. Grades, and all.


SUms

So, It's a Sucky Night. Hence all the Posts.

I feel like I need someone to talk to, to talk about how I don't have anyone to talk to. I need some friends - but I don't have any and don't know how to get them, no ideas, zero. I need love, you know? I need reassurance that I'm not a freak, that I'm not a hopeless case who shouldn't be wasting air. When I compare myself to people like K I think, whats the point of my life? What in the hell am I doing here? We need others to validate us don't we?

If no one witnessed your life, then did you really live at all?

On a side note, I've been having weird dreams lately, and a lot of them, and the one that stuck in m mind was one when I was riding in the car with my whole family, and I had recently just found out that BB, a scholar we are researching in AH,  is actually the woman who plays the evil queen in once upon a time!!!! So I tell them and they are all like whaaaaaat hannah is so excited, and so am I. I totally love her. that led me to thinking, in real life, that I should write an art history paper on why evil queens are always beautiful, but not a pure beauty like the princesses. They have a dark beauty, seductive, volatile... does it represent a type of women the movie makers/artists felt attracted to? Or does it represent that the evil queen has another half to her, a human half, a good half, and that if reflected in her looks? Because it is universally known that it is a classical thought that beauty reflects inner goodness, and thats why the heros/heroines are always beautiful. Anyways, when I have a second or maybe two to think about something other then school, I'll do it.

So Much To Do.

...but I can't do it, I can't think, I'm just so full of sadness, existential malaise, hopelessness.... and I feel like thats made even worse by the fact that I can't be, I have so much to do, I don't have time to be sad.... and that makes me more sad. Mum just sent me picture of JJ... I miss him, I miss people who love me, I miss loving touches, hugs, backrubs... I miss someone looking me in the eye and really paying attention to what I have to say, or at least caring... my mom is such a good model of that, she is so selfless. I'm so lucky to have her. But I just need more people, more excitement, more happiness, I'm so lost and unhappy and foolish. I'm foolish for letting my life stay like this, a complete lazy fool. Who does that? I'm cowardly, I cannot face my problems, I take the easy way out, life is no good unless you work for what you want. All these stupid societal values seared into my brain that I beat myself up over. For no reason, who gives a crap if people like or do not like me? I should create my own set of values, ones that lead me to happiness, to a sense of fulfillment, to peace, to serenity, to beauty inside and all around me....





-the ever-dreaming,
Sums

Thoughts on a Friday Night

I had the busiest week, I don't think I'v ever been this busy. I have something due today, that I could still pass in... but I can't you know I have no brain power left. I was thinking with all this emotional, mental stress i've been under, that i'd rather be physically tired. Have a sharp mind, but a tired yet getting stronger body... I think this weekend, although i have work, i'll just relax, gain my strength again, I need some rest, major. Mimi can give me a break goddamn it. I wonder where she's going in the spring...

Sums

Things Found in Nature

I've realized that I'm....... god I forgot what I was going to write. f. That I'm what.... judgmental, stuck up, think I'm better than everyone, selfish...honestly these are the things that come to mind.Ah-ha i got it. it's much less harsh than that.  I was thinking how I think that I love the outdoors so much because it remind me of home. I have some sort of nostalgic obsession with my home, and anything that reminds me of it, it just fills me with such peace, such happiness, such confirmation that everything is going to be ok because I have a place like that in my life. Right now I have the Ox Cart Man and Yonder sitting on my bookshelf... I dont read them much but whenever i see them or even think of them i'm filled with that same, love, it's love. It sad that love is only a feeling i can access through memory, i cant feel it in person...  how does it feel to love and be loved, in the moment? a romantic love, not familial? I bet its great. Can you guys tell me? I want to imagine it, because I think thats as close as I will ever get.

Why Not Me?

A Judds classic. Love those gals. I remeber our old babysitter hated them for some reason. Haha.
But really: why the fuck not? I cannot figure out what I'm doing? Can someone tell me. My bestest friend from my childhood got in touch with me recently, and i was looking at her fb... she has this great boyfriend, likes the things she does, she is pretty and fit, she keeps in touch with all our old buddies from school, is friends with tons or gorgeous guys... idk. but you know? WHY NOT ME? why am I so so so alone? is it  prettiness? is it personality? Do i push people away? Am i cold? how can i be cold when all i want in this world is to be surrounded by people who love me? how can i do things i dont know about? how can a person not be fully aware of the things they say or do? do i have some sort of weird mental illness? What is going on.... I feel like this has gone on long enough. I'm so sick of this fighting with myself Sick to death.

The Touch

I had a weird experience yesterday. I was in art, and we are painting self portraits. My teacher (an older woman mind you) came over to give me some tips on my painting. She starting drawing on the photo of me I'm using as a guide, tracing the lines of my face and shoulders... and I got the weirdest feeling, it was like someone was actually touching me, or that someone was paying that close attention to my body... I honestly haven't had anyone do that in years. It wasn't sexual necessarily, but it was moving. That's kind of pathetic isn't it. It just makes me think of how fucking incredible it will be when I finally actually hook up with someone again. In real life this time. Anyways, weird I know, but I need to put it somewhere so I'll stop thinking about it. So in other news, the big Halloween dance is coming up this weekend and, as per usual, I am making plans to get the fuck out of here. Even though, huh, it might be fun to have a fun night, or huh, I do have an actual costume in mind (spanish dancer!) but nope. I just don't like the idea, it's a lot of preassure. And plus, I can't stay here this weekend and not join in the festivities because literally, everyone goes to this dance. Everyone. So, t-side it is. No way I'm going home either. Kind of done with that place. Plus, doesn't that sound nice? T-side and I have a long history of my being there alone, its kind of my thing. I think it's going to be rainy, so fireplace, tea, books, paints, some homework, movies... all without drunk, slutty idiots everywhere I look. I was thinking that it might be kind of spooky to be there near Halloween all alone... but in Maine Farm, they were saying how Halloween is just when souls return to their previous dwellings, to come out of the cold and enjoy warmth and a good meal. That isn't so bad is it? The whole idea of honoring the dead is so interesting, it is such an old concept and something that is totally not done anymore. Life nowadays has no mystery, no superstition, no excitement really. It's all explained, all scentific. I'm guilty of liking that strait forwardness, in all honesty, i dont know if it's just my personality or the times. 'The Times' that is such a important idea that we ahve been discussing in a lot of my classes - how it is the time not the person who is responsible for their actions. It's funny because I honestly think it's a bit of both. This idea of academia, of scholars trying to figure out why we act what we do, and explaining everything, is so funny, it's so, just, unnecessary. WHO CARES let's just live. I doubt humans could survive if we had nothing to do. We are such a strange species. Ah, the questions of life.

Sums

Thinking of High School

Looking through some old fb photos. It was just hard. Seeing all those people whom I used to have relationships with, who I used to hate, who I used to date, who I hooked up with, whose secrets I know... I was a complete person then, I knew people and they knew me. And I guess I just dont feel like a complete person now. I'm just different. I dont have that many friends. its sad to think that i let those people in the photos fall out of my life. I'm pretty stuck up when you think about it. Why did i think i was so much better than all those people who i didnt like in hs? Maybe thats why I dont have any friends. I really shouldnt worry about my past... but when I think about it, I always have to give up the rest of the day because I just cant go on, i'm too sad, i feel so bad abou myself. for who i was then and who i am now. how does one survive then? who you are is your past your present and your future. You cant have just one.

No Dreams to Report

I was dreamless last night. At least this pattern of me dreaming about rejection is broken. I like to say pattern, because it makes me think like I can predict it in some way, but in reality, the brain is so goddam mysterious. Why do I dream what I dream when I dream it? WHY? It's so weird. One of the great philosophers thought dreams were your subconscious trying to tell you something. I agree about the subconscious part, but I don't think it means anything... it is just some random thought or experience that happened to you or your thought of that means nothing and your brain is going with that idea and elaborating on it a little. Or a lot. It's so strange. What would an alien think of dreams... "yea, while we are unconscious are brain makes up situations, random as hell, and makes us think we are in those situation even though they have nothing to do with reality." So weird. I think the fact that I had two dream, probably more in the past, about getting rejected means something. I think there some sick pleasure I get from feeling it. I think it's some complicated thing about me that I don't really understand... maybe my good guy subconscious is trying to work through it a little while I sleep. Aw. Thanks, subconscious.


Sums

So Much To Say...

I sit here with so much to say but no words to say them with. So much to tell, no one to tell it to. So much I want to do, no confidence to do it with. So much in this world I do not have. Would my life be better if I had all the things I want, right now, if I had a genie in a lamp and I got all three wishes? Would I be happy and complete for the rest of my life? I always come back to HOD syndrome, I think I'd get that. I think the journey is what life consists of. This right now, me trying to figure out how to live is part of it. This isn't just some tiny forgettable bleep in my divine plan to get everything I want. I'll probably remember this part in my life more than if I come across money later on. So what I have to do is keep trying for my goal, but making sure I never achieve it. Hm. Or keep trying new things that are hard and difficult so things are interesting. The end result isn't being famous or a billionaire. The end result, truthfully, is the grave.



Sums

Another Dream

Another dream about rejection.... what is wrong with me?

And Andre-esqe guy is staying with us, unexpectedly. Something about finding him near the raspberry patch. We are all talking downstairs, he has gone up to wills room to rest. Its me, h, mum and a bunch of other ladies. I can tell h likes him, she doesn't have to say it. I go upstairs and lay next to him. H likes you, I say. Really? he says. he seems shocked, the happy kind. Then the gaggle comes upstairs and sees me in bed with him. They look suspicious. I feel them thinking I am betraying H. I get up. H sits on the edge of the bed, and he takes her hand and looks at her, and formulates what he's going to say, Im just looking at his face, i have such a picture. he's not a fake or anything, his emotions are so real, as he is figuring out how to say to this girl that he knows she likes him, and that he likes her back. its so touching and i feel all those feels right in my core. He starts to say something to her, but I leave the room, brush by the ladies at the door and hurry downstair, taking them 3 at a time. I go in the kitchen and eat raspberries. There is an interlude which I can't remember... the house is quiet and I want with all my heart to go upstairs again and lay next to him. I walk upstairs. H comes out of her room and whispers, shhhhh hes sleeping in your room. My heart flutters at the thought of him in my bed. But she is so insistent, shhh, p, shhhh, and finally I yell really loud, i probably did in real life too, SHUT UP!!!! and I storm into wills room. I wonder if I woke him. Then I go into my room, and pretend to be getting some clothes. I keep sneaking glances to see if he's woken and seen me. Han come in behind me. She sits on the edge of the bed, and as she does, he opens his eyes and they are right on hers and his whole face lights up in the purest happiness I have ever seen. And then, I woke up.

That feeling, that feeling of being tossed aside for another, being the second best, being the friend, or the sister; never the ONE. It is such a bittersweet hole in the center of my heart. I want for a guy to show up unexpectedly in our house and be taken by ME. Overwhelmed, dazed, tongue-tied. And once, for the first time in my life, H, or K would be the jealous one, and I the lucky one. Just once, I'd be ok.

There was once in my life where I thought a guy had picked me over K. I felt so special, so gloriously bad. But then I found out that all along, while he had been cheating on her with me, he was also cheating on me with her. Why did I think he was different? Why did I think this would be the one miraculous time when a guy would choose me over K? The time only written and spoken about and never actually occurring? This isn't dreamland, P. Get real. You're not special! You're not dazzlingly pretty, not unusually smart and witty, no special gift to speak of - not memorable. H is strong, hard headed, no bullshit, knows what she wants and doesn't hesitate to kick ass to get it. K is incredibly compassionate, adheres impeccably to a set of admirable morals, is up for anything, always smiling, the best friend on the planet, always talking, always complementing, always happy. And what am I? No one KNOWS me. I haven't let anyone get to know who I am inside. So how can anyone like me and fall in love with me? How....do I let people know me? Why isn't anything easy for me? Why can't I be an amiable person?

..........What I am doing wrong?



Sums

Dream

Lord, my dreams....

So, my pottery teacher matt. One day before class, this girl Rachel that I've met a couple times and her pretty sweedish friend and I were laying on this mattress that was lying in the middle of our pottery room. The room is similar to the current one but it was just a little bit different… He came in and layed down with us. He was his usual nonchalant, fidgety, unconcious self, but he was saying some really suggestive things. Like how he got involved with a student once but he said it was a bad idea, but that it was hard for him not to… he would touch us casually, well just Rachel and her friend. Then Rachel and her friend got up. They were kind of hollow with no emotion. So they got up then it as just me and matt… he briefly touched my shoulder and back, just because there was nothing else to touch, but then he realized they were gone and it was me, and got up. Then when he was gone, I said to the other girls, that was the most sexual experience ive ever had with a teacher. And there like, yea hes like that. Later, after something in the middle of my dream, I come back to the studio and it's totally full except for a kick wheel, and I ask matt to come show me how to work it, cause maybe I can get him interested in me. But he blows me of and says, it’s a kick wheel. you kick it. and then sighs heavily and says fiiiiiiiiiiine ill show you. He points at some stuff then leaves, asap. 

Tthat feeling of getting rejected, im even dreaming about it now? Why aren’t my dreams happy, ones where im loved and in love? Does rejection feel better than love to me now? How sad. 

Also I dream about a lot of older guys....

Sums

Contemplating Previous Lives

To be in love – I can only imagine. I feel like ive felt all the feelings of the world before, I wonder if its just cause I can imagine them really well, or I lived them all in a previous life. What was my previous life I wonder, was it fulfilling, did I live well? Was I ever happy? Maybe the powers that be are giving me this path to happiness early because I did find it last time. Maybe I lived in the city and did drugs and was an alchoholic, maybe I was black, maybe i come from a long line of African drummers, maybe I was dependant on all those things and I was miserable and I didn’t find happiness cause I died early. But inside was an amzing person, inside was a genious, just like me, inside, it is hidden, but it is there. Now in this life I have all the things the old me didn’t, I have family, live in the country, have power to not give in to drugs and alcohol, have the money to do some things, and I have been shown the path to enlightenment, to happiness, early in my life. I deserve it after all the things ive been through. What did I do before that one, was I miserable too, or was I happy? For some reason I feel like I was never famous, I was never in a position of power, dominating. I was the medicine woman, I was the sage, I was the nun, maybe a mother superior. Wise and unassuming. Good. I feel like I was always a woman. I feel like, at least at this point in this life, I nevre had much of a lover, I found solace in other women. No, no, I feel like I always had lovers. Forbidden lovers. That’s so exciting to me. Maybe in one life I was a seductress. I guess what I would have been was a WOMAN, through and through, who used her feminine powers to their fullness. Powers of seduction, powers of healing, powers of compassion. Girl power man. Women rule the world.

Sums

Dreams

Whenever I look at ZsaZsa's blog I always go into daydream mode and I can't stop dreaming. To try to get them out of my head so I can focus on hw.... here they are...

I dream the most handsome man at school, comes up to me tomorrow and introduces himself, and tells me I'm beautiful. He is tall, has incredible eyes, a deep voice, tan, well-spoken, polite, funny, not terribly emotional, is fun and outgoing and loves the outdoors. We hang out a couple of times and I have the time of my life. We end up dating and I am so happy every second of every day. He impresses my family at the christmas party. We date until I finish college, when he asks me to marry him. The ring is gorgeous and sparkly and huge. We get married in an incredibly lavish celebration in new york city or something of the sort. Then he whisks me off to Europe for our honeymoon: Rome, Paris, Monaco, Vienna, Barcelona... we meet all his friends around and we go sailing on yachts, have fabulous dinner parties, gamble, go to races. We stay in luxurious hotel suites and have little balconies on which we take our morning croissant and espresso. He also takes me to Tuscany where he surprises me with his wedding present to me.... my own Bramasole. It is exactly as I had dreamed. We must go back home, but I soon return and refurbish Brammasole as Mrs. Mayes did. He has a business job all over the globe and i often accompany him, but often i just have some relaxing time to myself in a spa somewhere, or in one of our various villias by the beach, in the mountains, or in the city. We eventually have a little girl together, and then a son. Our kids grow up to be successful smart and well off. We grow old together in the hill of spain or france or italy and remain as much in love as we were the day we met.
The End.

WHY ME???

WHY WHY WHY WHY I dont understand what im doing wring and why i want everything i dont have... how will iever be happy??? why is the world so hard to understand why am I so hard to understand??? All i want right now is someone to love me, someone who knows me and understands me and knows what i like and how i do things and does everything right to me, makes me the happiest girl in the world. I want someone to do things with, someone to hike with and go see operas and broadway plays with...some to have wild and crazy sex with, someone who makes everyone jealous, someone who surprises me with presents, someone who just lays with me in bed and cuddles with me. and we dont have to talk its nice to just be in the presence of the other.
but, you know how logical i am good lord, and how i can see things..... and i just dont see this happening. ever. WHYWHWYWWHWYWYWHWHW i cant do this it isnt fair

So This is my Life.

Really, world? Really? What did I ever do? Why do some people get it so easy? I just want a life where I'm happy. Happiness, that's all. I never said money! I never said a fancy car! I just said someone to love me, a home of my own, and maybe a cat. Btu what do I get? I get to be the firstborn who the parents are over protective of, and who has to figure a lot of life out by herself, so becomes really weird and independent because of these things. I inherited the lack of motivation from my dad. An extreme self-conciousness from my mother. A bull-headed, stubborn, hates to ask for help attitude from my dad. A need to please everyone from both of them. And then, I went to U at the beginning of my college career, for what reason I can't really remember. There, I did have one fleeting moment of fun and excitement with my first time, parties, friends, etc; but I felt I had to stop that and I became a hermit and wouldn't go out and do anything. Then the next year came and I wanted to go to Paris and I wanted to be in this group dorm, but I backed out of all of it, and became ever more of a hermit, living in a single, not talking at all, not going to the dining halls, not daring to go to the lib cause others might see me, rushing home as soon as I was done with class... I had two friends that I saw occasionally, one I really liked and one I didn't but I hung out anyways cause I needed human contact. So that whole experience there really scared me for life cause it made me so comfortable with being alone, that that is what I'm used to now, and being with other people, being with someone seem like a stretch. I'm selfish really, but not in a bad way, just in the way that i think about myself because who the hell else does? I put myself first because i dont let anyone else do that for me. I'm the most important. I read something recently that said the key to being a lover is being completely selfless and putting the needs of that person above your own. SO basically I would be the worst lover ever! I've always thought I had that going for me, but I think even that is out the window now. I'm also realizing that Im not that attractive.  always thought i was.... mum and dad always told me i was! But im forgettable, i dont stand out, i have small eyes, and a strong jaw that isnt very feminine. fuck. and then im a little chubby. fuck. who the fuck are you if  youre not a womanly woman? if youre not beautiful? this girl in my writing class, a month or so into the year we were waiting outside the classroom and she turned to me and said, are you new? seriously. Theres 15 people in the class. You know, thats partly her fault though. She obviously an extrememely self centered bitch who loves the fuck out of attention and wear too tight shirts and think herself a dancer even though shes fat. There are so many fucking people like that in this world ,am i right? why dont people think about others... i mean, i dont care about these people but i notice them, i notice what they do, what they say, how they carry themselves, and i try to figure out who they are. without talking to them. i notice the world around me. maybe the only reason i do that is to judge people. but im always right, honestly. my judgements are based upon fact. I just... anyways, what im trying to say it, the world has got it out for me, and i honestly dont know where im going or how in the fuck im going to get from day to day... shit is hard, it sometimes doesnt make sense.
SUMS

GO IT SOSE

So it goes.
Kind of crappy day today. Of course it was, cause you wouldn't see me writing here if it was a good day. In Pract of Arth, we had a pop discussion leading exersize, and I didi talk at all, the only thing I said was, who is she looking at. literally. I think there is a good possibility that I will fail this dialogue project. Then in writing, we had MY paragraph as a revision for the whole class, and I got to read it out loud, which of course I loved... but I just wasn't fun, I didn't have good things to say. I can smile, I can laugh, but nothing too smart ever comes out of my mouth, spontaneously, that is. If I have time to think about something, I can make sense of it, and form my opinion on it, and speak to it with due attention. Does that mean I'm dumb? I know our society values people who are witty and say smart things on a dime and have quick comebacks. I honestly would view someone like me as a little slow. Jesus, thats what our entire society is based on isn't it? First impressions? How fucked up is that? I think I remember writing at one point that I wish we all would be required to wear signs around our necks saying our strengths and weaknesses, what we like and don't - who we are. It would just take all that bullshit out of meeting someone for the first time and let humans really get to the core of having a meaningful relationship with someone. And humans are social creatures! Why do we live in a society where we DON'T include everyone, where some people don't want to be part of the society? WHat does that say?
Enough philosophy. Anyways, my day... I guess a highlight was that a cute guy in writing from north of Montreal, who plays hockey and has an amazing french accent, we were partners, and we talked a little bit about country music and living in the woods and chevy trucks... twas kinda nice. And then in color, I guess it was nice because I got my scale all done... but my roommate, whos in that class too, was all chummy with this other girl and their group, and they were showing each other texts... haha I'm so strangely possessive. I was thinking how much I like my living arrangement... we aren't really friends, but I like having someone live with me so I dont act like a complete slob and am not completely  lonely all the time. We seem to have a system worked out - I get up early in the morning and leave before she wakes up, then she doesn't get back to the room until late at night after I've already gone to sleep.. so we hardly ever see each other or get in each others hair. Nice for me, but I don't know how she likes it. Maybe it'd be nice if she switched out and I could have this double all to myself...
Regarding my social situation... I dont see much of anyone on a day to day basis, I run into people, and it's better than going a whole day without talking like I would do at uvm. I talk a lot more. If I didn't go to uvm in the first place, I would never be like this. I wouldn't have such a small amount of confidence.. I would have so many friends, and I would still be close with Kathleen... fuck. But one of the cool things is, I think it might be this medication... I dont really CARE that I dont like to be around people all the time, like I dont worry about it all the time like I did at uvm. I'm a lot more comfortable with myself. But isnt the medicaiton supposed to make me more social....? So maybe this is just me growing up. I kind of see myself all alone for a good portion of the res of my life. I mean, what other way could it possibly go. This is what I'm like. Yea, if I find a guy, how that would even happen i have no idea, but if I did, that would be really nice and I think finding a good guy would make me really happy and make a big difference in the course of my life. But I just dont know how to meet guy, well people in general. I give off a fuck you vibe. I'm fucking sorry world, thats what i do and its not fucking conscious you bastards, I do want to have friends contrary to your stupid fucking uninformed judgmental first opinions of me. Christ.
But, going home this weekend to people who don't judge me and who I KNOW love me and know me and are rooting for me whatever my path. Who would want to waste time with these idiots at school when you have people like that? I'm excited; cooking, baking, harvesting, sitting by the fire, playing with our new kitten! Oh, and btw, it's my 21st bday. my bed and I are really looking forward to having a quality sooze brew later tonight. That was bad sorry. Anyways wahooooooooooooooooooo


SUMS

Hard to Admit This....

Ok, so I'm just realizing this and it's not the most noble thing in the world, so don't judge me too harshly... so, here goes: I think one of my main goals here at college is to find a guy, that might possibly be my husband someday. I know. But I'm just trying to be practical! The majority of the population meet their future spouse in college, and it's hard to meet people your age outside of college, when you have a job, etc. And I really do want a husband, preferably one who is outgoing and active, attractive, romantic... is a disney prince.... it's true, I have high expectations.

Sigh.

Lost...

No, not lost on campus.

I'm just feeling lost in this world, lost in my life, no firm grasp on anything, I don't have anything to live by, or for, or with. You need a purpose in life. Humans like to feel like they are here for a reason, you know, even though we're not. And I'm not above that at all, I'm no elite breed. But GOD I wish I could just be happy with what I do, and who I am, and not always be thinking of the things that I don't have and should be and am not. It's no way to live! I need to ENJOY what I do have, the amazing opportunities that are in front of me right now, and push all that other crap out of my head. Positive thinking, just like mum said. Another thing is how tired I am right now, like I could go to sleep and sleep all day I'm sure. All this interaction, literally, it's tough. And I have two more classes! Christ I wanted to go to the gym tonight but that's looking like it's not gonna happen. Did I tell you about my roommate? She looks like maddi! and shes little and wear flowy bright shirts and likes cartoons and drinking I think and shes really rich and has a lot of clothes and nice things. It's funny how I don't really care that much about what she thinks of me... i dont know if we're going to get along and my hunch is that we're not really. I dont care I just need a place ot sleep. Off to class #2!!!


-Summer

New School, New Year, New Page

So, here I am, at a new school, can you believe it? I hardly can, the past 4 days have been a blur. I've met some nice people, and the campus is beautiful and small, and I have some nice classes coming up. Funny thing, I have hardly hung out with my friend who goes here,  my best friend from high school... she seems to have her own life now, you know? and it doesn't seem like she cares enough about me to let me back in. And why would she, anyhow, I'm an awful friend. Anyways. I've still been having the same thoughts about wanting to be alone when I'm with a group of people... and then feeling bad when I'm alone and thing I should be with people... fuck me, right?? Mum was telling me about a book with a title like, "Imperfections, dealing with who you are and not who you want to be" or something. But that sounds like it was written, I mean literally. Gotta read it.
Oh, and, last night I was reaching for my razor in my bag and bam, it took a chunk out of my finger. I was really bleeding and I couldn't get a bandaid out and I got really dizzy and lightheaded so I went down the hall and had my friend put a bandaid on it... gosh it was intense. But that was nice of her. So I can hardly use my right hand correctly cause it hurts. a lot. Great start to the year huh? I hope I can write... so, I have my first class soon. updates to come. But you know? I feel like I'm living. And it's a great feeling.


-Summer

summer/summer/20-summer

That's the date for today.


It's been nice week at home, I really missed it here. I'm so lucky to live here. Well, to have grown up here. I don't really feel like this is my "home" any more... this is my parents' creation, this house, farm, family... I want to go out there and create my OWN life. So I feel kind of in limbo here. I felt this way last year. I remember coming home from college last year, and sitting on the porch after dinner and crying my eyes out. I just cried and cried. I felt so directionless, so purposeless. I do feel that way this year, but less so, I guess I appreciate it here a bit more. Maybe after having no human contact for a year this seems like downtown LA. In a good way. I got a gardening job the historical manor in town, with my sister, I'm quite excited. Not much human contact or brain power required! Perfs. I'm reading the Mermaid Chair (this is my third book already... ah, summer) and it has some fantastic musings on the meaning of life and god and such, which I adore reading/thinking about. This monk, a very tan and handsome monk, talks about the Great Beauty, or something, of the world, and how forcing life or forcing thought is futile; all you can do it give yourself up to the beauty of the world and let yourself enjoy it. People talk about the 'meaning of life' but there is no real meaning, it's all meaningless, so all you can do is give yourself up to it and accept that that's the way it is. Yea some of my own ideas are thrown in there, gosh I could just go on forever and ever.
Anyways. Today I went outside and walked around in the woods and sat in the middle of this clearing, somewhere behind the pond, and just sat and thought and looked at the leaves and listened to the birds and tans running around and blue sniffing things nearby. It was so calm and hushed and slow. I could of have stayed there for hours. Then I made my way to the top of the hill and sat there as well - it was a whole different world, more alive, more vibrant, more flying things, more wind on my face, more sensory simulation. But I don't think I would choose one over the other... there's a place and a time for each one. Each one is good when you need it.
Aaaand then I came home and did cartwheels on the lawn. Quality day.

Home Stretch!

4 more days a couple hours til I finally get to leave and head back to my beautiful home and loving family and relaxing life. Just 2 exams, one of which I'm pretty sure I'm going to fail, in my way before I leave. Fuck SE Asian art, I mean who the fuck needs it. It's funny, I've been brainstorming ideas of how to change the grades in my report card so mum and dad will think I did great. Because they know I don't have a social life, and they think they only thing I do is do homework, which I don't at all, I never do hw, so what will I tell them if I get bad grades? Yea mum and dad, i watched tv and movies all second semester and have zero fucks left over for homework. Which is literally what I did. I don't know. But what if the grades are awful and S drops my acceptance? They wouldn't understand why, then they'd call people... jesus can't do that. Part of me almost wants to get dropped from S, then I'd have some freedom to choose what I really want to do. I'm beginning to think art is a big mistake major-wise. I was thinking I'd just go to a 2 yr trade school, or degree program and learn an guaranteed income job, instead of wasting my time learning about greek history. But then I though, no one hires you if you only did 2 years of college! Basically a base requirement in a bachelors. I would be screwing myself. Maybe I could find a program that did both, a 4 yr college where a learned a trade.... maybe thats just like picking a school with a major you like? Haha. Goooood. So, obviously still have some thinking to do. At home, on a blanket in the back yard, with a cold lemonade and shades. Sigh.




Sums

Splendor

I just watched Splendor in the Grass, an Elia Kazan movie with Warren Beatty, my current obsession. It was quite interesting, the overall message: we might have had great times in our youth, but we grow old and things change and we have to keep moving forward and not dwell on those times, because we'll always have them as memories. This girl and boy were crazy in love with each other, but he leaves her to go to college, and she goes crazy without him. Years pass and they grow up and find new people to love, and when they finally meet up years later, their meeting is strange, they don't know each other anymore, things aren't the same, so it's awkward. But they both feel complete when they leave, because they know the feelings aren't there anymore, and they've had closure on that part of their life.
It makes me think, number 1, will i ever fall in love with someone the way people fall in love when they're young? Things change when you get older, sparks are fewer. And number 2, i think i'm dwelling too much on my past. I'm really not good at looking forward, I'm a very in the moment type girl. The future scares me, i prefer to dream about my childhood home, my family, where everything was perfect. But, you have to keep moving forward.




Sums

Longings

I realized today that my mouth waters when I see something I want. Not food anymore, food is my mortal enemy. But other things. My mouth watered when I thought of the the scent of lilacs blooming at home. When I saw the scene of the full moon rising over the prairie in days of heaven. When I think of baking my mum a mothers day cake. When I think about having a house with a wall of windows and a chaise lounge and a rose garden. When I think about my forbidden affair with M. When I think about watching the storm roll in on the top of cemetery hill. When I think of dancing with my sister for hours at our cousins wedding when we were ten. When I dream about being beyonce. (shes a goddess reincarnate, i'm convinced) When I think about being the object of someones fantasy.
Basically, I'm so deprived of LIFE in general that my body has a physical reaction whenever I entertain the idea of living. It's sad I suppose. But I'm hoping that the path I'm on is the right one, and will get me where I want to go.

Dream snapshot

This dream from last night.... I was down at the barn, looking out the window at him, standing up on the road with his old friend. He had just gotten turned in and would be taken away any moment. His dark hair was scruffy from his days in hiding, but his eyes were clear, black, glittering diamonds. His gaze up at the hills and the sky was calm yet inside he was boiling with anger and emotion. He was dressed in old clothes and a brown oil jacket, and I was scared to come out, but I did, because he drew me.


-Sums

I've known about my transfer acceptance for weeks now and I just told my best/only friend about it now. She was really happy for me. I've also had the deposit and acceptance confirmation sitting on my desk for weeks now too, and just can't seem to be able to find an envelope. I wish I knew why. This is a door that's opening up for me, opening up to a thousand new possibilities, a life I actually would enjoy living, full of friends and laughter. Why would I ever want to close that door and continue on this unhappy, lonely path that leads nowhere? What makes the most sense to me is the heart/present over head/future thing. I think my heart is thinking about all the worry I'm going to go through, all the awkwardness, and it doesn't want to go through that, however short it might be. Even a little bit feels bad. But my head knows that in the long run, it could have nothing but good outcomes. Only good things could come of this. I'll be getting a degree, I'll be meeting new people, I'll be developing that social aspect of life, opposed to the academic/intellectual part, which I think I've gotten down these past two years. In life, you always have to be moving forward, and this is the only option I am presented with right now that leads that way. It's all very logical isn't it, almost scientific rules. I think that way, but all my actions up until now have been with my heart. I do things that feel good. Maybe that's why I'm such at odds with myself, because I have these two different things inside of me. Or maybe, I've thought with my heart this whole time, and only now am I realizing the logic part of me, and I'm trying to incorporate that into my life. Do people ever go through life just going off feelings? I wonder how they say no to anything. Say yes to anything. I feel like you'd get hurt a lot but also feel really good a lot too. But, that's not me at all, I'm right in the middle... you know, maybe I'm trying to figure out that balance between head and heart right now. That's why I'm so at odds with myself. Ah, the balance. I remember once I wanted to get the golden mean symbol, or numbers tattooed somewhere. Haha what? I was just thinking about that balance, and it's true, the golden mean is an amazing thing. On the other hand, I'm just glad I'm not in that tattoo phase anymore... But, I havn't found that golden mean yet. But I do believe, with all of my head, I'm on the right track.

Current obsession: harry potter. I know, a little slow on the uptake, but ive only seen a couple movies and i read all the books obsessively, i loved them. Ive watched them all up to the phoeni one. Ive also watched all the youtube vids about cast interviews, behind the scenes, bloopers, etc. it's so cute, they're really a great bunch of people, down to earth even with all their fame. I love tom felton, hes so bubbly, and mat lewis is the epitome of the good things that puberty can do. And hearing them talk about their experience, growing up on set, it's interesting, cause theyre like, yea itll always be a big part of my life, it shaped who i am. and then they always talk about the people, how thats the one things theyll miss, the one thing that they loved about the whole experience. And I think thats very interesting. I mean theyre all the same age as me, at the same place.Where would they be if they didnt audition for this movie? Maybe in a situation similar to mine. It makes me wish that my parents put me into a situation, forced me, put their foot down, made me do some sort of activity that would stay with me all my life, something that gave me a good group of people that i could lean on for the rest of my life. I mean, school, i guess. another reason why you should never homeschool your kids - it messes up their development, interaction with peers is vital. Anyways, maybe its a testament to my strageness, how ive been with peers all my life, except for the last two years, and ive still turned out like this. funny story i saw my old (only) boyfriend out the window of the library today, he was far away but i could tell it was him, golden locks, longboard and all, and even though it was only for maybe 10 seconds i felt my heart just surge... those old feeling of being in a relationship came back and they were feelings i havn't felt in a while... i almost cired. Not for him, but for those feelings. i long for those feelings again, even though theyre not all happy ones. Relationships are so important, ad i can feel that part of me missing. Maybe THAT is whats missing. thats why im so messed up.

I just had an awful thought: what if I just am like this, period, and it is impossible for me to succeed in any social situation, cause i just dont have that base confidence, that apparently some people are born with? Like, I just cant function normally, so what if all this.... my...entire life... is just, not really worth it, a fighting cause? I can't understand what in the world my family sees in me. Why do they still keep rooting for me? Yea, I've gotten some good grades... and they do bring that up most of the time.... but like what good have i show, HUMAN-like? Yea, I'm glad my parents didn't give me much direction so I could figure things out by myself, or I will be glad in the long run, but this fucking sucks. I literally wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I hate every single feeling I'm feeling right now, every single thought that comes into my head, I don't trust them, I don't trust any action I do, or any words my family says. How does anyone my age not commit suicide??!?? Props to everyone who is older than 25!! I salute you and your other worldly bravery and courage that are necessities in order to survive this time. Fuuuuuuck.

Currently obsessed with the song sultan of swing by dire straits. I know its been on the point for ever, and I  usually just pass over it, but did appreciate the finger work. Then I saw the music vid... I am so incredibly captivated by the lead singer, mark something... i think it might partly be the lighting in this vid, but he has these amazing dark eyes, and this amazing fleeting smile, and the crinkles under the eyes, you know that? I think thats so attractive. Come to think of it he looks a lot like my first boyfriend.... hm. Maybe it's a jewish thing, although I'm not jewish... i love curly hair... haha oh my god. What a funny turn on. Anyways, tangent. Procrastinating major, I have a huge test, and a huge paper, and too much huge stuff coming up, and all I want to do is be driving across the country, somewhere other than here. I'm hoping to lose some lbs but that is almost impossible for me. I was realizing, i like things that give you quick pleasure, watching a movie, eating, ming, etc... reading, it takes too long, painting a picture, too long, exercising, too hard... you know. It's too true. More evidence that you cant live in pleasure and comfort your whole life, you HAVE to get out there and take chances.

New Diet...

Going on a cross country road trip this summer, and next to my amazingly beautiful, skinny sister, I'm going to look like a balloon, so I need to start losing lbs right about NOW. I just don't want my weight to hinder me. Giving this a go:


Morning:
-cereal and milk

Mid-morning
-fruit and nuts

Lunch
-salad

Mid-afternoon
-fruit/nuts/nothing

Dinner
-salad


Mon/Wed/Fri: Cereal breakfast. Go to SEasian. After, go to marketplace, get 2 salads, and 3 pieces fruit, bag nuts. Eat snack in d center. After french, eat salad. After music, eat fruit/nuts. Salad for dinner

Tues: Cereal breakfast. Fruit at 10ish. Walk to d center, 11ish, buy 2 salads and fruit/nuts first, then study, eat lunch before heading to arth at 1. After arth, eat fruit/nuts. Eat other salad for dinner

Thurs: Cereal breakfast. Fruit before french. After french, go to marketplace, 2 salads, fruit/nuts. Eat salad. Arth. After, fruit. Salad dinner.

Weekends: go to marche sat morning early, get food for whole weekend.

Vid

Watched this vid on a guy in a skateboarding accident who had a siezure. It was so awful, things like that really get to me I have no idea why I even clicked on it. It's that human curiosity. Oh well.
So, I got done with my ridiculously busy day yesterday... and it was so funny I got back to my room, and I'm like... so what do I do now?? I was so bored, and still am. I do have a long list of long term items I could get going on, but you know how that usually goes. Oh, big step, I decided to go without makeup today! I know I think it's a real sign that I'm growing up, not giving a fuck about what other people think, cause I don't. i want my skin to be healthy and able to breath. So what if I have a blemish or 2? I'm visiting my sister on saturday, that should be fun. we had such a great talk yesterday, and we got a little farther on our summer plans. I'm so excited. Today I'm going to PC and the store to get a light spring jacket, and my ploughmans lunch so i can watch new girl. Lol, all my traditions. I like consistency, and places I'm familiar with. Anyways, off to class, over and out -


Sums

Late Nite

Ran out of advil pms yesterday, and had such a busy day today, i couldn't make it to the pharmacy. Tried to sleep tonight, but literally, there were so many thoughts in my head, I couldn't even close my eyes. I think it might have been partly mental too... on well thats what i do, think. So, i got fed up, got up, dressed, and drove to the 24/7 price chopper in town. It was much needed, to get some more advil pm but also to clear my head. I like it when no one is on the road, just you. I also walked by a big container of strawberries and couldn't resist. They're probably one of my favorite foods, they make me completely happy. But lying in bed earlier, I was having all these big thoughts. Like how maybe it'd be nice to take next year off, get a job, chill. I'm just so hesitant about sm, and i hate it here... i mean why do i keep undermining myself and my gut feelings? why can't i listen to them?? Again with the constant battle between the RIGHT thing to do and what i FEEl like doing. Heart vs. Head. I was also thinking about the world problems, how, if i put my mind to it, i could probably find a reasonable solution to most of them. Or at least find out what the roots are. I have a mind that works that way, deals with the big picture and thinks things through to the end. I just have this social disability thing... what if a mind like mine is wasted? isn't that true of most geniuses, though, they have a hard time socially. But then, I was listening to that new fleet foxes song, about orchards, and how maybe the right thing to do is give up humanity, civilization, and go live on a farm in the countryside. Because I feel like if I tried to solve the worlds problems all i would come up with is that humans, as a species, are fatally flawed. And theres nothing that an ardent speaker, an internet website, a tv show, a book could do about it. Maybe just living your life the way that makes you happy, away from corrupting society, would be good for the soul, and would make your short stay on this earth the best it could be. But then, zoom in a thousand times, back to me, i also was thinking more about a br, and how that keeps coming up, and how maybe to live this life of fulfillment and happiness, I might need smaller ahems, just a comfortable body overall. I long to exercise, really do, I've realized how important it is... but I cannot. I don't know if it would give me confidence or not, but I do believe that it would get me closer to where I want to be.
aw well, advil pm is kicking in.


-Sums

Faith - Restored

Stumbled upon reddit.com while looking at memes... what, they're funny. I went to the imagur part, and clicked through gazillions of pictures for the good part of an hour - i thought it was going to be mindless nerd jokes but there were so many amazing pictures! Inspiring, touching stories, beautiful places, everything. There were so many amazing people in there, and it restored my faith in humanity a great deal! I think popular culture portrays such an inaccurate picture of everyday people these days, not to mention our society encourages isolation, so we just don't know who's out there, and that there is, in fact, still good people in the world. They aren't all gone! It's funny that it takes the internet to see that, when in a way, the internet is the source for a lot of our problems.
Just a thought for the day. Sorry the writing is atrocious... not feeling too good about the essay i have to write tomorrow.


-Sumz

Realizing...

Realizing that there is not one palace where I can let my multitude of guards down and just be myself. I think that's partly because I don't know exactly who I am, but also just because I try to act perfect to everyone, even my family. I always have told myself that home is where I can relax, but I'm not really being myself, I'm just more comfortable there, I know my surroundings and I know where i fit in. Because I feel like if I were "myself" I wouldn't be comfortable anywhere, because I've never been her before and I wouldn't know where to go. It's like, remain comfortable forever, or be uncomfortable and feel great. Be so-so in the middle or both extremes. Life's never easy.


Sums

So, Just to Review...

Things are quite a whirlwind right now. Let us review exactly the multitude of things that are going wrong in my life at the moment, the few good things, and the tasks at hand. (It helps me clear my head. Bare with me.)


Bad:
-Just found out I didn't submit all of my application to my transfer college. Probably won't get in, or even be considered.

-Spent a lot of time on a painting and got an "eh" response.

-Skipped my arth class because i didn't feel like participating in the discussion today. Won't be able to hand in notes, so grade will be lowered. All because I didn't want to talk in front of people.

-French quiz today, studied, but for the wrong things. Probably got all wrong save 2 or 3.



Good:
-Chris talked to me in french class. And smiled.

-I get to go home this weekend.

-I have pretty curly hair today.



So, To Do:
-Write music test.

-Ren Art flash cards.

-Ren Art readings.

-Asian Paper.

-Asian readings.

-French Amelie paragraph and workbook.

-Music listening.





And there it is. That's how it is and there's not much I can do change the fact that this all happened. I can just go from here. How about go do all your school work, get it all done, so you can relax over the weekend and not give a flying f about school at all. I just wonder how I'm going to tell my mum about not getting in to S.  And what the fuck am I going to do next year?!!?? Holy crap freaking out now. Need some new girl and lunch and tea. Gotta go.

GASP! Feelings!

Feelings... I can't tell if this one is because I'm so used to this feeling and it's comfortable now, or if it's just good to be feeling again period. I just painted a (masterpiece) painting for my friend, it's his birthday today. I took the basic design from somewhere else, but I spent so much time finding the right one to give to a guy who doesn't really know art. And it was really good, you know? It was really good, and I spent a whole afternoon painting it. Haha. So I gave it to him, earlier today, and he did the thing, you know when you don't really like something? "ooooooohhhh thaaaaaaank you its so .... niiiiiiiiice." Literally. Fake smile and all. But, I didn't just know if he didn't know how to say thank you, maybe. I just don't know how someone could not like it! I'm not being conceited I promise, and believe me I am very good at reading people. So... I'm just confused, and hurt that he didn't like it, didn't acknowledge my hard work. I tried my hardest and I didn't succeed. It's a bad feeling but it's familiar to poor old me. Sigh. So it goes huh? Those who have it bad have it really bad.

Ah well. Think I'll go read about Brahms and Mahler and drink some tea, and listen to the gusty wind outside, preceding the storm that's on it's way, making the pines whisper.

more thoughts, I guess... what else is there to do?

Watched the little mermaid, listened to fix you by coldplay, and bawled my eyes out. Gosh I'm such a case.

I guess I just get that feeling, when I start to cry, that I'm crying and no one is there to comfort me. And that makes me cry more, and i think how nice it would be just for once to have my own prince philip or eric or charming who would see me and fall in love with me an do anything for me. I wonder if guys ever feel that way. I hate how society has become, how it's so hard for a guy to just go up to a girl. 

I guess I'm just wondering what I'm doing wrong. Like is it this personality thing, where its hard to come out of my shell? Or is it just society man. I was thinking, ok, so im here. where to go now? And basically a boyfriend would fix a lot of my problems, i feel. I mean because right now i am so directionless with such a lack of identity, and i can see no plausible way to get out of that WITHOUT a guy. I mean, he would make me happy, make me feel things good and bad, and so i might attach my identity to his a little bit, but at least it would give me a starting point. Like he would give me the confidence (i know, but its true) to do things and maybe in that i would learn some things about myself. so although he would eventually leave, i would have learned some stuff and maybe have a couple more friends that i could continue my life with feeling happy about. And its like what wrong with that. people say you dont need a guy blah blah but i think they say that to make single women feel better and forget that fact that they are incredibly lonely and do in fact need a guy. or maybe its just incredibly hard to get to the point where you dont need a guy. I was thinking, how could i get there without a guy? Its this thing about confidence. I've been through this a million times. I was thinking body - surgery, br, whatever, get myself to the most perfect body i can have. thats always been a big obstacle for me and i think every other girl on this planet. Or perfect personality - although im beginning to think that theres not a lot about that i can do. I dont want to do medication, because i think they'd be hard pressed to find a medication that give you confidence and selectively deletes all the bad thoughts in my head. I'm just too proud for that type of thing. I think it's one of the biggest paradoxes that i am so incredibly self conscious and have such a lack of self confidence, yet i still think im the prettiest, most intelligent, funniest person out there, or like i have the capacity to be. Well i suppose everyone does in a way. maybe its when you lose that sense of hope to be better thing get bad. i bet it goes away as you get older and nothing happens, you lose it... 

In conclusion, I have no idea about anything, and I have no idea where to go or what to do or how to get anywhere that I want to be. The end.

Sums

Thoughts After a Busy Weekend

I visited my friend at the college I'm thinking of transferring to this weekend. And I'm so full of thoughts, I could hardly get to sleep last night. I was thinking how my introverted side really came out in my actions there: I spent a day and a night and when I woke up the next day I just got this feeling like I needed to go home, like I was too tired and too anxious. And I realized that I had been going for too long (apparently a day is too long) without having some alone time to mull things over and think things through. I just needed it to function. So I made up some excuse and made myself look like an idiot I'm pretty sure, and hurt my friends feelings, and cam home. I feel bad that I can't spend a weekend with my friend, but I feel good that I am realizing that about myself.
But also, I had a lot of thoughts regarding my choice to transfer. As in, kind of questioning it. I talked to some art majors there, and all they said was how much WORK it was. Working - not my strong suit. I'm a lazy fuck. And I don't even know if art is what I really want to focus in. Ah, that's right, I was going to look in to how much work a minor is, that might be less. Also I got the feeling that art history wasn't a big major there. But I guess I knew that. I guess my feelings are that it would be a lot more work, I would be deeply exploring all these subjects, academics would be very important and heavily weighted. But also the social aspect. My friend was saying that it's so small that everyone is kind of trying to meet new people all the time, just to make their life more interesting. So people are for the most part very friendly. Like my friend's friends, they were so so so nice to me. BUT I just don't know if I would be very responsive to that offer of friendship. I just, I don't know, I'm so strange, and weird, and I would push them away I know it. It's just like maybe a big school where I have the opportunity to be anonymous, is what I need. I would just be more comfortable. Looking back now I realize that going to U has probably been the biggest mistake of my life so far. It really got me into this unhealthy antisocial behavior that will be enormously difficult to break out of, if not impossible. I think if, right after high school, I had gone to a place like S, I would have really blossomed and would actually have an ok life now.
So, my dilemma is, where to go from here. Transferring would be incredibly hard in all aspects, but my life might, might, turn around for the better, and I might get on a path where my life could be happier But if I stay here, I think things would stay relatively the same. My social life probably wouldn't be amazing. But I feel like, I'm getting this feeling now, that I would try to get more into things here, if I didn't transfer. Like  it would finally get through my thick skull that I gotta make the best of things here or else it'll suck like it did in years past! And regarding academics, I wouldn't be push as hard as I would at s, but I think I can put into it however much effort as I want and still....do....well. haha. And here, the cost is low, no loans in the future. Close to my family which I really need, and are really the closest support group I have.
So there it is. Thanks for listening to me unload and sort my thoughts. Much needed.


oxox
Sums

I guess it's too much to ask to have a nice life. I just have no idea what to do to get myself in a good placce. I just watched House, then looked up Jesse Spencer because he captivates me, and I saw that he was dating this girl, a surfer apparently, and I saw a picture of her and she's fairly attractive, not extreme in any direction... And I'm just like, why not me? Like, how come, what does she have that I don't? I hate how people keep saying to me I'm attractive (i was called "the good Kardashian sister" the other day) but, why don't I have a boyfriend? How come our society is so shut off that it's so hard to ask another person out on a date? Why are guys such pussys these days? But it even goes farther because I realize that these guys are just two people in an adult relationship, who care a lot about each other, and seeing couples like that really make me crave something like that. You know? Fuck flirty high school shit, it's such a waste my time. Although sometimes I feel that all I know how to do... I once heard a quote, the only reason we get married is to have a witness to our lives. Because without a witness, did it really happen? People need each other. There's an emptiness inside that I keep ignoring and try to fill with other things, but I know the only thing that can fill it is a guy who loves me. I'm like, yea, I'll gain this confidence in myself, my way, so I can be confident in a relationship, but in reality, how the f am I going to do that? Where does confidence come from if not from others? I brought a painting to an art show the other day, and I got hundreds of compliments but I still felt ashamed of my work! I kept saying, oh they're just being nice. WHY!!??! I feel as if I don't understand my own actions. And i don't know how to get where I want to go. I've done all this therapy in the last couple of years but where have I gotten, really? The conclusions I seem to have come to from that are to: get major surgery to make my body perfect, or to take medication, or to get a boyfriend. I mean, why can't it be, meditate, or eat an avocado a day, or take a trip to Jamaica, or something? why are my needs so superficial? I think the thing I really need to figure out is whether this will all get better with age or if it won't, and I need to do one of those drastic things to make my life something that I actually don't mind living. Because right now, I'd rather be anyone else.


Sorry for the train of thought.



Sums

What Do You Want To Do Before You Die?

The Buried Life - an inspirational show. It clears up the answer to the question, what is the meaning of life: it's to complete your bucket list. It's to DO those things you've always wanted. I mean, is the point of life really to make money in a job? To keep a house for your husband? Yea, we make do but we aren't really happy or fufilled. LIFE is such a gift, we could be dirt on the ground right now but we are living, breathing, the product of millions of years of evolution, capable of so much. Do we really want to waste that invaluable gift by "making do"? We have to grab the bull by the horns and do everything we possibly can in this world before we die. DO IT ALL!!! Cause you can't reach the end of your life and be like geez, I wish I did that, and live all over again, you've only got one life! Make it worth it!

So what do I want to do before I die? I want to sail around the entire fucking world. I want to pack up, with a couple of good buddies, get an old fixer upper, clean er up, and set sail. No looking back. Spend as much time as we want in each place, seeing the world, meeting new people, experiencing new cultures. Portugal, Ireland, Italy, Greece, Egypt, Madagascar, India, Thailand, Philippines, Australia, New Zealand, Hawaii, Cali, Mexico, Peru, Chile, Brazil, Caribbean. Anywhere and everywhere. Antarctica! Last stop will be Victoria, B.C., to say thanks to the boys for inspiring us to live our lives. (Then hopefully invite them aboard and party with them and ask Ben if he wants to cross something off his list by sleeping with his HOTTEST fan - ME.)  


I hope when I'm old I can look back on my life and smile at all the things I've lived through and know that I've really and truly lived.

You know, I've been thinking, these wishes and all. People say that money doesn't buy happiness, but what if the things that make me happy, can only be had with an excess of money? Thing that make me happy are works of art, beautiful houses, beautiful views, beautiful men (wink). I like possessing things. People THINK that money will make them happy, but I know it as a fact. Spending all this time alone lately I've learned two things: that being surrounded by people who love you is the only way you can be truly happy; and two, the things that make me happy when I'm not surrounded by people I love - see above. If I can't have one I might as well have the other, otherwise what's the point. Finding a rich guy that I love seems to be my ideal outcome right now, then I'll have both. But if that doesn't happen, I can find I guy that I love, regardless of money, and we can have lots of kids and live close to mum and dad and H and R and I can be happy that way, OR marry a rich guy who I don't love, and have him buy me lots of houses and clothes and jewelry and beauty in general, and I can make friends and I'll be fine, I'll still have my family. OR I can come upon a large sum of money myself, then marry I guy that I love. But lets be real, how would I get any money.

Wishes

If I had three wishes, they would be....

1. 10 BILLION DOLLARS in my name is such way that I could access it all and it's legal and unquestioned and everything.

2. A guy who is physically identical to Paul Walker, who is exactly what I want/need in a guy, and who worships me and loves me unconditionally, and will never leave me.

3. The perfect body, you know, the one I always dream of having. Perfectly proportional. My face is the most beautiful it can be without looking too different - bigger eyes, more amazing, captivating, dark, with thick eyelashes. Smaller cheeks, smaller nose. Dark hair with bright natural highlights and naturally wavy. Naturally tan. Strong everywhere. Big butt! Firm belly with some natural pudge. Strong arms, long fingers with perfect long nails. Breasts a size D, prefect, firm, perky. Also able to age gracefully.



aka..
1. Money
2. The Perfect Man
3. The Perfect Me

Tumbly

Hey all, I got a tumblr! I love it. Finally, a place to put all those pics that have been piling up on my desktop... they're just pics that I love, I think you'll like them too. Check it out!


http://summers-midnight-dream.tumblr.com/




Summer

VDAY

More like D Day. Actually, I'm not bitter about Valentines day this year, I never have been really, it's just another day... without love... I mean, I just feel like those people feel today, every day. It's not special. The one time I did have a boyfriend on Valentines day, it was nice actually, he made me truffles. Aw. But he was a sucky boyfriend overall.
So, anyways, mum sent up the nicest package, with chocolates and the 'guess how much I love you' book, from my childhood... I can't imagine anything sweeter, I almost cried. She's so thoughtful, when she wants to be. I texted K, she hasn't replied yet... and I texted H, and she called me, and she sounded ok, a little stressed with everything, homework and all. I hate hate hate to hear her sound sad, it's the worst feeling on the planet. I don't know if it's protective or what. I'm making her a painted mirror for her bday, after this one of mums she saw and liked. I have to get to As painting too! I think I know what I'm going to do now. After 2 years... lol. I also called home and no one anwsered, I hope they call soon... It's funny I almsot feel better calling them, then actually talking to them. Cause I feel good, even though I havn't talked with them. It's so weird.
So, '7 yr itch' just came on netflix instant, so planning on watching that this evening, maybe doing a Marilyn post, after reading art hist (gonna keep up on that this time) and doing some french. I hate french. So, happy v day all, and over and out.

Sums

Stairs.

What is happening today!?! Even time I walk up or down a flight of stairs I think I'm going to skip a step, and my heart flies into my mouth and I falter and almost fall!! It's so bizarre. SO BIZARRE. Maybe I'm over tired.
But, my test went well this morning. And my mummy sent me a valentines day package! She's such a nice person, it made me feel so good. And I needed some chocolates :) Definitely going home this weekend.


Love,
Sums

Oh, oh dear. Up too late, big test tomorrow, cannot sleep... reading Frances Mayes' blog and want to cry. Listening to Norah Jones' first album and want to cry. Reading Way Over Yonder and want to cry. Thinking of H and want to cry. I'm too tired for this, world.  Good thoughts make me cry, bad thoughts make me cry. Why not give me no thoughts at all, those are the easiest to handle. I can't deicide if I want to go home this weekend... it jsut annoys the crap out of me, thinking about it... I feel like it's something I shouldn't have to think about, why can't my matters be of a more exciting, interesting subject? Why is my life so dull?
 I didn't call my grandmother today to wish her a happy birthday. She turned 90.

Friday Night

It's funny how I feel so good staying in on friday and saturday nights... I feel even better when I do something liiiiike watch Spirit or Fantasia or any disney movie and drink tea and curl up in my blanket. These movies are great, they make you feel so good, maybe because they remind you of your childhood. I had the best childhood anyone could dream of. I miss it. 

Friend :(

A guy sat down across the table from me a while back in the library. He took out a book and started to read. He wasn't special in any way, seemed like the most normal guy in the planet. He seemed pretty wrapped up in his book but when he would take a sip of coffee I could see him look at me. Just curious, not suggestive. I snuck glances at him too. I think I fidgeted with my hair too much. Then, he got up and left a minute ago. I watched him go and felt sad. Like a friend was leaving. Funny how strangers can be our companions.

Re-reading

Ah, yes, going over past posts when you can't sleep and have nothing else to do... I know it well. It's funny it's always such a revelation whenever I do that, here or in diaries, because I'm reminded how far I've come and how much I've grown and learned, even in a couple months. I wonder if there will ever be a point when I will stop looking back at past thoughts and feel so far removed from that person who thought them. It's uncomforting; I like things stable and consistent.
I think I've been coming to grips with my vast arsenal of dream and fantasies; such as this one of being grown up and having the perfect mind; I accept them now as things that keep me going, and are natural and dare I say healthy. They keep me going; give me something to look forward to... They are... the only thing I have.

Marilyn

Marilyn is my hero. She was so incredibly beautiful, and what a body. I honestly don't know of another celebrity that is so completely beautiful. It makes you wonder why in the world aren't people with this body type put into magazines and movies? Compared to her, everyone in our popular culture is a sickly, unattractive waif. Long Live Marilyn.