mother

I talked with my mother today. I dont know why but I seem to place the blame for my current dilemma  on her - she passed her shy genes on to me, she was to protective, she didnt give me enough encouragement, shes too shallow, she cares too much about what others think about her and her kids. But I don't know how she could have been any different. I think the whole problem here is me. I am standing in the way of myself, I, my mind, something somewhere inside me is not allowing me to go out and meet people and be happy. I wonder why I can't just realize how to change, I wish I could just step out of my body and see what I look like and what I do from an outside perspective. I'm too in my head. Maybe if I film myself over the course of one whole day, try to have my computer with me, out and open haha. It's jsut so strange. I'm also listening to hs great pandora station chillwave so I cant really think full thoughts right now. I initially hate it when mum says, yes, this is a real problem and you need to get some real help with it. But then she says its OK to talk about ones problems and weaknesses! It's healthy. I guess she might have a point, i used to keep it all bottled up at uvt... aw well. Off to netflix!

New News

It's been a while. I started writing my dreams elsewhere at home, in my diary. They got weird, weirder, when I was home. But I'm here now back at school, only now I'm in a single.... haha I bet you read that now I'M SINGLE... which is amusing, because I have and always will be single. At least thats what it feels like! At least in my old room I had a connection with someone, however small, that was constant and somewhat intimate. It's the connections I miss. I'm scared of not having them, I'm scared of being... alone. How common a sentiment but how true, how motherfucking true. Watching this movie, I saw demi moore falling in love with these two guys, and she didn't know what to do and she was sad, then happy, then angry, then EVERYTHING and she was so alive. And i've just never felt that, i've never been SO connected with a person. And I just want to have that, I want to feel love because i think that's what makes life bearable. I wonder if this is just me wanting what I dont have. But I cant ignore this feeling! It feels like a part of me is missing, as if the whole world is just going by without me, leaving me behind, not even knowing I was there in the first place... I just get so overcome sometimes, with the sadness, and seeming hopelessness of my situation. How to get out, where do go, what to do... I wonder if the answer is to go day by day, not think so macro. I feel at such a precipice though, such a turning point, as if my actions now will really determine a lot... I mean right now, my body is just about as good as it's ever going to get, my face, etc etc, I mean I hope I'm not one of those people who whine over wrinkles like mum but you never know - I just dont want to feel like I've wasted these years of my life. I JEST NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO ABOUT EVERYTHING. I'm sick of being alone.