Things

I try to stay downstairs with everyone but no one talks to me and i dont talk to them; and also when i try to stay downstairs no one comes down or leaves immediately. Why dear merciful lord i am so hopeless with other human beings. im considering getting a house off campus next semester. maybe i can get a cat. I want to live totally alone, it will be horrible for my mental state but i dont care, fuck accepted mental states.
So i've been thinking about jesus. ive learned so much about christianity through my medieval art classes, and it so interesting to think about jesus as a guy, who actually lived at one point, he must have bee so fucking possessed by this idea that he was doing the right thing here, and that god was a real unit... i mean almsot to the point in crazy person. but what good things he believed in, helping the poor, sacrifice, doing good, etc etc. its just unfathomable how so much of our world was formed because of this one guy. I say he's the ultimate celebrity. Find something the world needs and give it to them and they will love you forever. What an incredibly smart and profitable institution christianity is. I used to think that some guy just thought it up once as a way to make money and be powerful, but i think at one point, there was a guy who did the things jesus did and had a following and was crucified. He must have had a pretty eventful but not inordinacy life, but look at home divine and blown out of proportion its become. its unfathomable. I wonder what he would say today if he could see how famous he is. I read about a lady who claims to be related to jesus and mary magdalene, like the da vinci code.  of course shes a nut job, but could jesus have had kids? He was just a guy after all. but look at the lengths to which he followed gods gospel religiously, why would he stray for sex? I feel that he feels he was above that. There had to be some ego in him, didn't there? I'm the son of god? come on buddy. It's powerful though, the church, the immense passion people feel for this man, for god. It's passionate, the whole thing, and that inspires me. I want to feel it too, i want to talk to jesus i want to have that connection. Maybe i just want to feel as passionate about something as these people do about god. I want to feel, period.