Roommates

So, my roommate - we have kind of an unspoken agreement, how to we work living together. I wake up early, she sleeps late, she parties at night, I go to bed early... so we hardly ever see eachother. It's ok with me, it works out. Because I like time alone, but I also like having someone around so I don't feel lonely... I know, I know, say whatever you say. But it's how I like it. So anyways, her friend from her old college was in the area and she's spending the night in our room. So they come storming in, and they start talking, and jesus, where do I start. She voted for Romney! Holy fuck! she listens to country music, taylor swift is her fave. They just were telling stories about how druuuuunk they get, and apparently my roommate has a guy shes been hooking up with here.... woo wooo! But then, she was telling her friend about her ex bf... and holy shit theres a story. So apparently he took a video of a girl showering, and got kicked out of his old school. And hes bi, and he also took a vid of a GUY showering. And then he went to my rm school, and she didnt know any of this! then she found out, and  he started an application to her new school... he sounds like a fucking psychopath, #1. And her mother still thinks she is crazy for breaking up with him, even tho she knows this... I mean, its just things that I can't wrap my head around, because my life is so quiet, so peaceful and slow. No drama. At least at this point in it. It just reminds me of how other people live out there, I hesitate to say what the world is really like because I don't think everyones like that, thank goodness. I start to think I'm unknowledgeable of the real world, but then I realize that my family is just different, I am different, I was raised differently. I dont know. I'm just thinking about things. It's ridiculous that a little thing like this can totally throw my little world out of orbit. My little one person world.


-sums

Ondine

Great movie, I just saw it - romantic yet dark, beautiful yet real life. Wonderful. The female lead is beautiful, and real, and she is sexualized, but not in a bad way, a full of life way, a real beauty way. I love that her relationship with C isn't 100% sexual, theres a lot more too it. And it all revolves around A in a way, they both love her. That's very real too, loving a child, not just focus on sex. It's a grown up relationship.
I was thinking, how I flirt, I think that's what it is, with J in the studio, and I wonder how I come off... I was thinking how lily is with him, she seems like she really acts her age, she is kind of cold towards him, makes fun of him... its how older girl act to immature guys that age... I'm probably lilys age but i act like his bro. He invited me to come over. Anyways I don't know how I could ever have a grown up relationship with an older man, if i cant even act my age with this young guy. I think I'm pretty far behind on the whole love/relationship thing. I dont know anything. Yes I can watch movies and read about love and see how it's done but that doesn't compare to real life, it's harder to keep those things in your mind as you live in the real world. Ah, the real world. The source of all my problems.
My sister decided to bring her boyfriend to thanksgiving. Along with her bff and her respective boyfriend. And me... no friends or boyfriend even if i did want to bring anyone. I just hate how she doesnt even think about the rest of us before she invite people to stuff like this... she doesnt realize that we like to be alone and have time with just us. She only thinks about herself, her happiness. If she wants to be a part of this family, she needs to bend a little, she needs to adapt. We've put up with her shit until now, I think we've paid our dues.
I hate this, this feeling that I'm always wrong. It's ingrained in my brain you know. I think that's the source of all my problems. I think it's based back to the untalkativeness in school and how teachers always wrote on my report cards, shed be great if she only spoke up a little more!! Idiots. Extroverts are so unfoundedly valued in our society. I've been told the essentality of who I am is wrong, and I guess I've heard it so many times, it's engrained into my thinking, and now I tell myself that too. Also with men, I just feel like the majority of relationships i've had have ended in rejection in someway. and again, i asked myself, what did i do wrong? I just dont want to get hurt. I just think that theres is something wrong with me, and no one will like me. What if it's actually society who is wrong? I don't know. I like the idea of myself being a poor martyr, that i'm in the right, theyre in the wrong. I just need some validation, you know? that I'm not a complete strange person, I'm ok. But I can't find someone who will give that to me.... so i guess i must be strange....

Big Ideas

I was thinking about my writing style - how I jump to big ideas too quickly, don't elaborate on the small stuff - I think that's because of my place in life - I'm dealing with these big ideas in my real life, I'm trying to figure out what all the small stuff means in the big picture. Maybe... maybe that means that in my real life, I need to focus on some of the small stuff too. Life isn't good when it's all lived in your head.
Anyways I'm enjoying a chill night off watching movies (watched the other boylen girl, onto avatar, yes). I really do hate to say it, but I'm the laziest person on the planet. I love this stuff. I love experiencing feelings while in the comfort, safety of your own bed. Ah, cowardly but worth it.

School

TRIED to register for classes today, found out I am a sophomore, credit wise. Fuck this shit I am a junior! I hate going through all this no good classes available thing all over again. I suppose it is the one bad things about transferring. This sucks mahor. And I have my full day of classes today... would it be bad if I just skipped them all, fuck it? watched movies? I want to, there is nothing better, but I cant. Grades, and all.


SUms

So, It's a Sucky Night. Hence all the Posts.

I feel like I need someone to talk to, to talk about how I don't have anyone to talk to. I need some friends - but I don't have any and don't know how to get them, no ideas, zero. I need love, you know? I need reassurance that I'm not a freak, that I'm not a hopeless case who shouldn't be wasting air. When I compare myself to people like K I think, whats the point of my life? What in the hell am I doing here? We need others to validate us don't we?

If no one witnessed your life, then did you really live at all?

On a side note, I've been having weird dreams lately, and a lot of them, and the one that stuck in m mind was one when I was riding in the car with my whole family, and I had recently just found out that BB, a scholar we are researching in AH,  is actually the woman who plays the evil queen in once upon a time!!!! So I tell them and they are all like whaaaaaat hannah is so excited, and so am I. I totally love her. that led me to thinking, in real life, that I should write an art history paper on why evil queens are always beautiful, but not a pure beauty like the princesses. They have a dark beauty, seductive, volatile... does it represent a type of women the movie makers/artists felt attracted to? Or does it represent that the evil queen has another half to her, a human half, a good half, and that if reflected in her looks? Because it is universally known that it is a classical thought that beauty reflects inner goodness, and thats why the heros/heroines are always beautiful. Anyways, when I have a second or maybe two to think about something other then school, I'll do it.

So Much To Do.

...but I can't do it, I can't think, I'm just so full of sadness, existential malaise, hopelessness.... and I feel like thats made even worse by the fact that I can't be, I have so much to do, I don't have time to be sad.... and that makes me more sad. Mum just sent me picture of JJ... I miss him, I miss people who love me, I miss loving touches, hugs, backrubs... I miss someone looking me in the eye and really paying attention to what I have to say, or at least caring... my mom is such a good model of that, she is so selfless. I'm so lucky to have her. But I just need more people, more excitement, more happiness, I'm so lost and unhappy and foolish. I'm foolish for letting my life stay like this, a complete lazy fool. Who does that? I'm cowardly, I cannot face my problems, I take the easy way out, life is no good unless you work for what you want. All these stupid societal values seared into my brain that I beat myself up over. For no reason, who gives a crap if people like or do not like me? I should create my own set of values, ones that lead me to happiness, to a sense of fulfillment, to peace, to serenity, to beauty inside and all around me....





-the ever-dreaming,
Sums

Thoughts on a Friday Night

I had the busiest week, I don't think I'v ever been this busy. I have something due today, that I could still pass in... but I can't you know I have no brain power left. I was thinking with all this emotional, mental stress i've been under, that i'd rather be physically tired. Have a sharp mind, but a tired yet getting stronger body... I think this weekend, although i have work, i'll just relax, gain my strength again, I need some rest, major. Mimi can give me a break goddamn it. I wonder where she's going in the spring...

Sums