Ondine

Great movie, I just saw it - romantic yet dark, beautiful yet real life. Wonderful. The female lead is beautiful, and real, and she is sexualized, but not in a bad way, a full of life way, a real beauty way. I love that her relationship with C isn't 100% sexual, theres a lot more too it. And it all revolves around A in a way, they both love her. That's very real too, loving a child, not just focus on sex. It's a grown up relationship.
I was thinking, how I flirt, I think that's what it is, with J in the studio, and I wonder how I come off... I was thinking how lily is with him, she seems like she really acts her age, she is kind of cold towards him, makes fun of him... its how older girl act to immature guys that age... I'm probably lilys age but i act like his bro. He invited me to come over. Anyways I don't know how I could ever have a grown up relationship with an older man, if i cant even act my age with this young guy. I think I'm pretty far behind on the whole love/relationship thing. I dont know anything. Yes I can watch movies and read about love and see how it's done but that doesn't compare to real life, it's harder to keep those things in your mind as you live in the real world. Ah, the real world. The source of all my problems.
My sister decided to bring her boyfriend to thanksgiving. Along with her bff and her respective boyfriend. And me... no friends or boyfriend even if i did want to bring anyone. I just hate how she doesnt even think about the rest of us before she invite people to stuff like this... she doesnt realize that we like to be alone and have time with just us. She only thinks about herself, her happiness. If she wants to be a part of this family, she needs to bend a little, she needs to adapt. We've put up with her shit until now, I think we've paid our dues.
I hate this, this feeling that I'm always wrong. It's ingrained in my brain you know. I think that's the source of all my problems. I think it's based back to the untalkativeness in school and how teachers always wrote on my report cards, shed be great if she only spoke up a little more!! Idiots. Extroverts are so unfoundedly valued in our society. I've been told the essentality of who I am is wrong, and I guess I've heard it so many times, it's engrained into my thinking, and now I tell myself that too. Also with men, I just feel like the majority of relationships i've had have ended in rejection in someway. and again, i asked myself, what did i do wrong? I just dont want to get hurt. I just think that theres is something wrong with me, and no one will like me. What if it's actually society who is wrong? I don't know. I like the idea of myself being a poor martyr, that i'm in the right, theyre in the wrong. I just need some validation, you know? that I'm not a complete strange person, I'm ok. But I can't find someone who will give that to me.... so i guess i must be strange....