Dream 2

Dream last night...
Mom and I were in the house, it was late, and these guys tried to break in. We went around making sure all the doors and windows were locked, but then I noticed the front door was wide open. I ran into the mudroom trying to get there in time, because they were coming up the steps, and I get there just as the head guy came through the door. I flung myself against the door trying to close it, but he is strong and keeps it open. I hit his shoulder and try to push away his head, pretty much girl fighting, and he chuckled, but annoyed like. Then he got sick of it, and pushed me away up against the wall. One hand was on my belly and his arm was across my neck. He was intense and dark and scary, but I had the feeling that he wouldn't really hurt me... I didn't even try to put up a fight and was going to let him do whatever me wanted to me, until mom came in and got him out the door.
It's kind of bad isn't it? Feeling aroused by dangerous people? People who want to hurt you? I clearly have some issues.



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Dreams in the Day...

Those are the worst, having dreams while taking a nap, and then you wake up and you have no idea what time it is or what's happening... I had a final today, and afterwards I came back to my room and slept from 10:30 to 3. I know. I had a dream about me and my little bro, we were camping up at our neighbors, but it was that weird house that I've made up, with all the ladders and secret apartments... and then in the morning we were going to leave and there was a bear. It was like red-purple, and had a weird distorted face... it kind of knew we were there, but it was ignoring us and kind of sleeping at the edge of the woods. And r didn't know, he was chatting away, and I was trying to get all of our stuff to fit in to one bag so we could run faster, but then I started playing with the food bag. And the bear looks up at us. And I say r just drop your stuff we gotta go the bear saw us. And hes like, bear? and his poor little face, pure terror passes over it. Because you know how his worst fear was bears when he was little? Poor poor little guy. My heart is ripped out of my body when I see r sad or scared, even in dream. Anyways we started running, then the bear started running, and all of a sudden there were hundreds of raspberry colored bears all around us! And then I dont really know what happened next. I think we might have been saved, dad came up on the four wheeler brandishing like four different guns. Then there was a nancy drew themed dream, something about the shop, and something hidden that we needed to find before the bad guy did. And then, the worst dream of all. Our neighbor came over, dads friend,  and the grown ups were chatting, and then things got heated. Dad said something in an angry rant about mom being with the neighbor. And as he said it, he pointed at me. Like I was the milkman's daughter! I remember my face dropping, I didn't even care about anything else. I confronted mom about it, and she gets that guilty smile face she does, and doesnt really answer, then I am like mom i need to fucking know, and h is there, backing me up, wow. Then mom says guiltily, that well, she was lonely! And that was the whole explanation. I remember thinking in the dream or after or sometime about how dad was mad at the neighbor for sleeping with his wife, not mad at his wife. Like the woman cant be held responsible for her lust. Anyways, what the fuck kind of dream is that. How messed up. I had to call my real parents in real life later that day, and I literally could not bring myself to do it because I was still so shaken up. And then, I had a paper to finish, and I just was in a haze the entire time, so strange. And now, I know that I'm not going be able to sleep because I need 5 hours less of sleep tonight. Ugh. But home tomorrow! Excited but at the same time, kind of not sure what to think, hoping its not too boring and bad...

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More Dreams

My friend has been having reoccurring dreams about snakes recently. She looked it up and said it means something about sexual tension, haha, but also that theres something in her life that she can't see, doesn't know about. I don't know if I believe those Freudian ideas, but I do think that it means something about her unconscious - her brain is playing on a fear of hers, or snakes came up in a book she read, or something. It's neat what dreams can say about us and our minds when we don't know it. They're almost like an alternate life you are living, or another person who is inside of you, living separately. I woke up last night, at 4am, right in the middle of dream time. I don't know what woke me up, but it was really freakish - I didn't know what was reality or dream, those two worlds were still so connected. My brain was in such a flowy, fluid, ephemeral, otherworldly state. My day-brain, my logic brain was turned off. It's weird to think of this whole other side of ourselves, the one that lives in the night time.We associate out beings with the day-time, awake self. But really we are composed of both. It's good that we get to know all parts of ourselves. I guess that's why I'm so interested in my dreams. I want to figure them out and get to know my night-self.


In other news... I feel like I've been a ton more social during exam week.... exactly when I shouldn't be more social. Just all these study groups, and running into people in the library, cause literally everyone is in the library, it is sooo full. I ran into k today in the lib, she was sitting with d, and it was fun, people stopped by, d is really chatty, and i got zero work done all day but it was fun. I've also been having a lot of study sessions with k and l, form meso, and it was fun at first, but it got pretty pointless near the end, we all have really different ways of studying. k likes to write every tiny thing from her notes again, i just write the important things, and l didn't do shit because she didn't like the class. It was a mess and when i finally left early tonight, i got done like double the amount we've done in a week. and the exams tomorrow. i'm past caring though, you know. I do have a huge paper for ah that i havn't started due in two days.... and i want to paint my family pictures for xmas... so much to do! Painting might be nice to do at home. Can't wait to get home. Apparently they have snow....


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Dream World

I feel like lately, I have been having big, long epic dreams that last all night, and are really spread out, like a western movie, or seasons of the fall. Not the juicy dreams about guys that I would prefer. But maybe this is showing how I'm growing up, how I'm realizing life is a journey, it's long. Maybe it's that theres so much that im not saying/doing during the day that it's all coming out at night. I'm living through my dream. That's kinda like living right? I know for a fact that I feel all the same emotions as if I were awake. The dream world is such a interesting, relevant thing in my life right now. I kind of, well, live there.

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Dream

Did I ever tell you that I have a dream about getting a mike/cody sandwich? Like, right in front of my junior locker, as they used to... I remember saying, gosh, that wasn't as hard as it usually is, you guys are getting weak.


......why do I miss high school so much?




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A Substantive Post

I just... well, ok let me start at teh beginning. The beginning? I don't even know when this all started. ANyways, my newest obsession is Supernatural, I watch it while painting, it make me creative and edgy. So when I get a new fave tv show I always like to look up the gag reel and interviews with the characters, just so I can totally kill illusion and see that they are real people. And I did this yet again with sn, but it just, killed me..... jared is so nice, and his gf, well wife, well mother of his children, they seem like a happy couple, and he seems like literally a really, really sweet guy. he was talking about how he met her, and he was saying how the first time they did a scene together she was in her underwear ,so of course he thought she was beautiful... then they starting hanging out later... and there was this one interview with both jensen and jared, and it was so cute, they looooved the attention they were cracking jokes and fooling around, adorable. But jensen does seen like more of a bad boy... well i mean he has a wife. What the fuck! why do i fall for guys on tv!!! why are they in their 30s!!! why do i never ever have the tinyest chance with them ever in hell? Like why not, why the hell not? What about me is not jared or jensen material huh? What if all they go for is pretty girls? I didnt think the world was like that, i thought guys matured and like girls for their minds as they grew up... well not totally minds, but their whole being instead of jsut their boobs. But, maybe not. And if not, is that really bad for me? People always look at me walking around, I even get some double takes, but is that ecaue Im pretty, or is it cause im wierd looking? Idont know! I mean I think im wierd looking, like fundamentally strange, but my parents tell my im pretty and one guy in high school told me i was beautiful, ,and another said i was the prettiest girl in the school. But whos to know. And i dont have a bf, or friends, so what about that huh? dont pretty girls get asked out every day by strangers? Maybe guys are becoming pussies and i just have bad timing. Either way theirs something fundamentally wrong with me... interesting, "wrong"... i dont htink wrong, i jsut think theres something with me. theres something about me. something...different.  Sigh. its late.


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Christmastime!

Although coming to my blog makes me think of lovely spring and summer and green grass - IT'S CHRISTMAS TIME HERE IN NEW ENGLAND!!! I love xmas. Cookies, lights, snow, christmas music... heaven, every year. I can't wait to visit home and cook and bake and wrap presents... but it's funny, unlike at uv, i'm not like totally desperate to go home. I honestly wouldn't mind staying here longer... or rather, I won't mind coming back. I feel like a whole MONTH at home might get a little tiring. It always does. I romanticize my home a great deal. But I god, how can you not? It's heaven up there! Warm house, big kitchen, dogs and cats, little fuzzy donkey, chicken and rabbits, big gardens, wreaths decorating every door, fireplace, our old christmas movies, a big christmas tree... can't wait!


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