A Substantive Post

I just... well, ok let me start at teh beginning. The beginning? I don't even know when this all started. ANyways, my newest obsession is Supernatural, I watch it while painting, it make me creative and edgy. So when I get a new fave tv show I always like to look up the gag reel and interviews with the characters, just so I can totally kill illusion and see that they are real people. And I did this yet again with sn, but it just, killed me..... jared is so nice, and his gf, well wife, well mother of his children, they seem like a happy couple, and he seems like literally a really, really sweet guy. he was talking about how he met her, and he was saying how the first time they did a scene together she was in her underwear ,so of course he thought she was beautiful... then they starting hanging out later... and there was this one interview with both jensen and jared, and it was so cute, they looooved the attention they were cracking jokes and fooling around, adorable. But jensen does seen like more of a bad boy... well i mean he has a wife. What the fuck! why do i fall for guys on tv!!! why are they in their 30s!!! why do i never ever have the tinyest chance with them ever in hell? Like why not, why the hell not? What about me is not jared or jensen material huh? What if all they go for is pretty girls? I didnt think the world was like that, i thought guys matured and like girls for their minds as they grew up... well not totally minds, but their whole being instead of jsut their boobs. But, maybe not. And if not, is that really bad for me? People always look at me walking around, I even get some double takes, but is that ecaue Im pretty, or is it cause im wierd looking? Idont know! I mean I think im wierd looking, like fundamentally strange, but my parents tell my im pretty and one guy in high school told me i was beautiful, ,and another said i was the prettiest girl in the school. But whos to know. And i dont have a bf, or friends, so what about that huh? dont pretty girls get asked out every day by strangers? Maybe guys are becoming pussies and i just have bad timing. Either way theirs something fundamentally wrong with me... interesting, "wrong"... i dont htink wrong, i jsut think theres something with me. theres something about me. something...different.  Sigh. its late.


-sums