New News

It's been a while. I started writing my dreams elsewhere at home, in my diary. They got weird, weirder, when I was home. But I'm here now back at school, only now I'm in a single.... haha I bet you read that now I'M SINGLE... which is amusing, because I have and always will be single. At least thats what it feels like! At least in my old room I had a connection with someone, however small, that was constant and somewhat intimate. It's the connections I miss. I'm scared of not having them, I'm scared of being... alone. How common a sentiment but how true, how motherfucking true. Watching this movie, I saw demi moore falling in love with these two guys, and she didn't know what to do and she was sad, then happy, then angry, then EVERYTHING and she was so alive. And i've just never felt that, i've never been SO connected with a person. And I just want to have that, I want to feel love because i think that's what makes life bearable. I wonder if this is just me wanting what I dont have. But I cant ignore this feeling! It feels like a part of me is missing, as if the whole world is just going by without me, leaving me behind, not even knowing I was there in the first place... I just get so overcome sometimes, with the sadness, and seeming hopelessness of my situation. How to get out, where do go, what to do... I wonder if the answer is to go day by day, not think so macro. I feel at such a precipice though, such a turning point, as if my actions now will really determine a lot... I mean right now, my body is just about as good as it's ever going to get, my face, etc etc, I mean I hope I'm not one of those people who whine over wrinkles like mum but you never know - I just dont want to feel like I've wasted these years of my life. I JEST NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO ABOUT EVERYTHING. I'm sick of being alone.