Another Dream

Another dream about rejection.... what is wrong with me?

And Andre-esqe guy is staying with us, unexpectedly. Something about finding him near the raspberry patch. We are all talking downstairs, he has gone up to wills room to rest. Its me, h, mum and a bunch of other ladies. I can tell h likes him, she doesn't have to say it. I go upstairs and lay next to him. H likes you, I say. Really? he says. he seems shocked, the happy kind. Then the gaggle comes upstairs and sees me in bed with him. They look suspicious. I feel them thinking I am betraying H. I get up. H sits on the edge of the bed, and he takes her hand and looks at her, and formulates what he's going to say, Im just looking at his face, i have such a picture. he's not a fake or anything, his emotions are so real, as he is figuring out how to say to this girl that he knows she likes him, and that he likes her back. its so touching and i feel all those feels right in my core. He starts to say something to her, but I leave the room, brush by the ladies at the door and hurry downstair, taking them 3 at a time. I go in the kitchen and eat raspberries. There is an interlude which I can't remember... the house is quiet and I want with all my heart to go upstairs again and lay next to him. I walk upstairs. H comes out of her room and whispers, shhhhh hes sleeping in your room. My heart flutters at the thought of him in my bed. But she is so insistent, shhh, p, shhhh, and finally I yell really loud, i probably did in real life too, SHUT UP!!!! and I storm into wills room. I wonder if I woke him. Then I go into my room, and pretend to be getting some clothes. I keep sneaking glances to see if he's woken and seen me. Han come in behind me. She sits on the edge of the bed, and as she does, he opens his eyes and they are right on hers and his whole face lights up in the purest happiness I have ever seen. And then, I woke up.

That feeling, that feeling of being tossed aside for another, being the second best, being the friend, or the sister; never the ONE. It is such a bittersweet hole in the center of my heart. I want for a guy to show up unexpectedly in our house and be taken by ME. Overwhelmed, dazed, tongue-tied. And once, for the first time in my life, H, or K would be the jealous one, and I the lucky one. Just once, I'd be ok.

There was once in my life where I thought a guy had picked me over K. I felt so special, so gloriously bad. But then I found out that all along, while he had been cheating on her with me, he was also cheating on me with her. Why did I think he was different? Why did I think this would be the one miraculous time when a guy would choose me over K? The time only written and spoken about and never actually occurring? This isn't dreamland, P. Get real. You're not special! You're not dazzlingly pretty, not unusually smart and witty, no special gift to speak of - not memorable. H is strong, hard headed, no bullshit, knows what she wants and doesn't hesitate to kick ass to get it. K is incredibly compassionate, adheres impeccably to a set of admirable morals, is up for anything, always smiling, the best friend on the planet, always talking, always complementing, always happy. And what am I? No one KNOWS me. I haven't let anyone get to know who I am inside. So how can anyone like me and fall in love with me? How....do I let people know me? Why isn't anything easy for me? Why can't I be an amiable person?

..........What I am doing wrong?



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