Really, world? Really? What did I ever do? Why do some people get it so easy? I just want a life where I'm happy. Happiness, that's all. I never said money! I never said a fancy car! I just said someone to love me, a home of my own, and maybe a cat. Btu what do I get? I get to be the firstborn who the parents are over protective of, and who has to figure a lot of life out by herself, so becomes really weird and independent because of these things. I inherited the lack of motivation from my dad. An extreme self-conciousness from my mother. A bull-headed, stubborn, hates to ask for help attitude from my dad. A need to please everyone from both of them. And then, I went to U at the beginning of my college career, for what reason I can't really remember. There, I did have one fleeting moment of fun and excitement with my first time, parties, friends, etc; but I felt I had to stop that and I became a hermit and wouldn't go out and do anything. Then the next year came and I wanted to go to Paris and I wanted to be in this group dorm, but I backed out of all of it, and became ever more of a hermit, living in a single, not talking at all, not going to the dining halls, not daring to go to the lib cause others might see me, rushing home as soon as I was done with class... I had two friends that I saw occasionally, one I really liked and one I didn't but I hung out anyways cause I needed human contact. So that whole experience there really scared me for life cause it made me so comfortable with being alone, that that is what I'm used to now, and being with other people, being with someone seem like a stretch. I'm selfish really, but not in a bad way, just in the way that i think about myself because who the hell else does? I put myself first because i dont let anyone else do that for me. I'm the most important. I read something recently that said the key to being a lover is being completely selfless and putting the needs of that person above your own. SO basically I would be the worst lover ever! I've always thought I had that going for me, but I think even that is out the window now. I'm also realizing that Im not that attractive. always thought i was.... mum and dad always told me i was! But im forgettable, i dont stand out, i have small eyes, and a strong jaw that isnt very feminine. fuck. and then im a little chubby. fuck. who the fuck are you if youre not a womanly woman? if youre not beautiful? this girl in my writing class, a month or so into the year we were waiting outside the classroom and she turned to me and said, are you new? seriously. Theres 15 people in the class. You know, thats partly her fault though. She obviously an extrememely self centered bitch who loves the fuck out of attention and wear too tight shirts and think herself a dancer even though shes fat. There are so many fucking people like that in this world ,am i right? why dont people think about others... i mean, i dont care about these people but i notice them, i notice what they do, what they say, how they carry themselves, and i try to figure out who they are. without talking to them. i notice the world around me. maybe the only reason i do that is to judge people. but im always right, honestly. my judgements are based upon fact. I just... anyways, what im trying to say it, the world has got it out for me, and i honestly dont know where im going or how in the fuck im going to get from day to day... shit is hard, it sometimes doesnt make sense.
SUMS
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