summer/summer/20-summer

That's the date for today.


It's been nice week at home, I really missed it here. I'm so lucky to live here. Well, to have grown up here. I don't really feel like this is my "home" any more... this is my parents' creation, this house, farm, family... I want to go out there and create my OWN life. So I feel kind of in limbo here. I felt this way last year. I remember coming home from college last year, and sitting on the porch after dinner and crying my eyes out. I just cried and cried. I felt so directionless, so purposeless. I do feel that way this year, but less so, I guess I appreciate it here a bit more. Maybe after having no human contact for a year this seems like downtown LA. In a good way. I got a gardening job the historical manor in town, with my sister, I'm quite excited. Not much human contact or brain power required! Perfs. I'm reading the Mermaid Chair (this is my third book already... ah, summer) and it has some fantastic musings on the meaning of life and god and such, which I adore reading/thinking about. This monk, a very tan and handsome monk, talks about the Great Beauty, or something, of the world, and how forcing life or forcing thought is futile; all you can do it give yourself up to the beauty of the world and let yourself enjoy it. People talk about the 'meaning of life' but there is no real meaning, it's all meaningless, so all you can do is give yourself up to it and accept that that's the way it is. Yea some of my own ideas are thrown in there, gosh I could just go on forever and ever.
Anyways. Today I went outside and walked around in the woods and sat in the middle of this clearing, somewhere behind the pond, and just sat and thought and looked at the leaves and listened to the birds and tans running around and blue sniffing things nearby. It was so calm and hushed and slow. I could of have stayed there for hours. Then I made my way to the top of the hill and sat there as well - it was a whole different world, more alive, more vibrant, more flying things, more wind on my face, more sensory simulation. But I don't think I would choose one over the other... there's a place and a time for each one. Each one is good when you need it.
Aaaand then I came home and did cartwheels on the lawn. Quality day.