I guess it's too much to ask to have a nice life. I just have no idea what to do to get myself in a good placce. I just watched House, then looked up Jesse Spencer because he captivates me, and I saw that he was dating this girl, a surfer apparently, and I saw a picture of her and she's fairly attractive, not extreme in any direction... And I'm just like, why not me? Like, how come, what does she have that I don't? I hate how people keep saying to me I'm attractive (i was called "the good Kardashian sister" the other day) but, why don't I have a boyfriend? How come our society is so shut off that it's so hard to ask another person out on a date? Why are guys such pussys these days? But it even goes farther because I realize that these guys are just two people in an adult relationship, who care a lot about each other, and seeing couples like that really make me crave something like that. You know? Fuck flirty high school shit, it's such a waste my time. Although sometimes I feel that all I know how to do... I once heard a quote, the only reason we get married is to have a witness to our lives. Because without a witness, did it really happen? People need each other. There's an emptiness inside that I keep ignoring and try to fill with other things, but I know the only thing that can fill it is a guy who loves me. I'm like, yea, I'll gain this confidence in myself, my way, so I can be confident in a relationship, but in reality, how the f am I going to do that? Where does confidence come from if not from others? I brought a painting to an art show the other day, and I got hundreds of compliments but I still felt ashamed of my work! I kept saying, oh they're just being nice. WHY!!??! I feel as if I don't understand my own actions. And i don't know how to get where I want to go. I've done all this therapy in the last couple of years but where have I gotten, really? The conclusions I seem to have come to from that are to: get major surgery to make my body perfect, or to take medication, or to get a boyfriend. I mean, why can't it be, meditate, or eat an avocado a day, or take a trip to Jamaica, or something? why are my needs so superficial? I think the thing I really need to figure out is whether this will all get better with age or if it won't, and I need to do one of those drastic things to make my life something that I actually don't mind living. Because right now, I'd rather be anyone else.


Sorry for the train of thought.



Sums

VDAY

More like D Day. Actually, I'm not bitter about Valentines day this year, I never have been really, it's just another day... without love... I mean, I just feel like those people feel today, every day. It's not special. The one time I did have a boyfriend on Valentines day, it was nice actually, he made me truffles. Aw. But he was a sucky boyfriend overall.
So, anyways, mum sent up the nicest package, with chocolates and the 'guess how much I love you' book, from my childhood... I can't imagine anything sweeter, I almost cried. She's so thoughtful, when she wants to be. I texted K, she hasn't replied yet... and I texted H, and she called me, and she sounded ok, a little stressed with everything, homework and all. I hate hate hate to hear her sound sad, it's the worst feeling on the planet. I don't know if it's protective or what. I'm making her a painted mirror for her bday, after this one of mums she saw and liked. I have to get to As painting too! I think I know what I'm going to do now. After 2 years... lol. I also called home and no one anwsered, I hope they call soon... It's funny I almsot feel better calling them, then actually talking to them. Cause I feel good, even though I havn't talked with them. It's so weird.
So, '7 yr itch' just came on netflix instant, so planning on watching that this evening, maybe doing a Marilyn post, after reading art hist (gonna keep up on that this time) and doing some french. I hate french. So, happy v day all, and over and out.

Sums

Stairs.

What is happening today!?! Even time I walk up or down a flight of stairs I think I'm going to skip a step, and my heart flies into my mouth and I falter and almost fall!! It's so bizarre. SO BIZARRE. Maybe I'm over tired.
But, my test went well this morning. And my mummy sent me a valentines day package! She's such a nice person, it made me feel so good. And I needed some chocolates :) Definitely going home this weekend.


Love,
Sums

Friday Night

It's funny how I feel so good staying in on friday and saturday nights... I feel even better when I do something liiiiike watch Spirit or Fantasia or any disney movie and drink tea and curl up in my blanket. These movies are great, they make you feel so good, maybe because they remind you of your childhood. I had the best childhood anyone could dream of. I miss it. 

Re-reading

Ah, yes, going over past posts when you can't sleep and have nothing else to do... I know it well. It's funny it's always such a revelation whenever I do that, here or in diaries, because I'm reminded how far I've come and how much I've grown and learned, even in a couple months. I wonder if there will ever be a point when I will stop looking back at past thoughts and feel so far removed from that person who thought them. It's uncomforting; I like things stable and consistent.
I think I've been coming to grips with my vast arsenal of dream and fantasies; such as this one of being grown up and having the perfect mind; I accept them now as things that keep me going, and are natural and dare I say healthy. They keep me going; give me something to look forward to... They are... the only thing I have.

I've been on tumblr looking at all these fashion blogs, they are so great and beautiful and I just want to look like all those girls in the pictures. Beauty is SO important to me; it would be a crushing blow if someone told me I could never be beautiful. Because one of the only things that keeps me going is that hope that someday, I might be the perfect, most beautiful person. It's superficial and unrealistic, I know, but it gives me great comfort.

Another thing: I'm going to Paris next year! For the whole year! It's so amazing, yet so daunting. I get these momentary panic attacks every once in a while, where I get so anxious and scared about it, and think why in the hell am I doing this? It'd be so much easier to stay here and do what I know. But I push those thoughts away because I know this will turn me around, I know this will be good for me, and I will finally have a taste of real life. This isn't real life here, I haven't felt good about it here ever. But this, Paris, it's so EXCITING! Think of all there is to see, all there is to learn, and do. I feels right. Unlike here. Mum said it felt like all I've ever done has been leading up to this very moment! She's so happy for me, it's wonderful. There are many things I have to do before I go though - but I'm not worried. Life starts now.



-Sums

Update!

Ah, life is good. Ish. Got honked at as I was walking to breakfast by a van full of snowboard bros! Lol, they were probs still asleep, it was like 8am. I didn't know my ass was that nice! Anyways, Thursday K visited so A and B came over and we all got trashed, and B and I flirted like 4 year olds, whats new, and A had a dick of a friend who made fun of me, and was really touchy feeling with B all night, lol. And As fucking loser of a roommate, hes so weird. He drank like half of all our alcohol but was so quiet. Ugh. So, I was so drunk. In the morning I had so many classes and met with study abroad people and my cute advisor, all while I was unbelievably hungover and on the verge of puking every minute. And I lost my phone haha! I found it at HM front desk. No idea. But i learned a lot about my future and studying abroad, and that pretty much whats on my radar right now, trying to get to Paris next year! I gotta get out of here, and La Ville Lumiere, what could be better than that. BUT the deadline is in 3 weeks and I need to make it. Oh, did I mention K might be in Paris next fall too!!?! How much fun would that be. Take the city by storm! Americans in Paris, ahh. Hope it happens!

Sums

It's so late! I go to bed at 8:00 at home, now I have to stay up and do french hw, fck that. Yes, you heard right, I am back. My island vacation was a dream. Our villa was out of conde nast traveller. I want to go back so badly - i love it there, my body loves it there; My skin clears right up, gets smooth and tan, my hair gets blond and wavy in the humidity. Every time I go down there I make a pact to come back and do something cool, but I always forget.
And it's hard not to, being stuck in a cold, death tunnel like VT. The cold sucks the thoughts right out of your head, all you can think of is making it back to your dorm alive. Sigh. My classes are great this smstr: french II, se asian art history, renaissance art history, and intro to classical music, with a p/f class on weight loss and eating right. I'm kind of excited for that, that being losing weight. I mean a little here and there, nothing drastic - I want to look good. In reality I want my face a little less chubby and my boobs not so big. Then I'd be golden. Anyways classes - they're more participation intensive this time around, which requires more work. And for me more worry. And is that even worth it? I learned so much in the big lectures. I'm just arguing with myself, what, do I want to take big lecture til I graduate? No. It's exciting, new people, get my heart rate up. I was thinking, maybe it those flights of stairs I have to climb everyday that made me lose that weight! Did I tell you I've lost 10 lbs since the beginning of school? I mean, I think they're back now, but at the beginning of break.Funny this is - I didnt even notice until I weight myself at home. NOte to self - need scale. Wow - I just understood why people carry around recorders in movies and say things to themselves - how nice it would be to remember the things i think of during the day and never write down! I'm going to be such an eccentric old lady.



Summer

ALMOST DOOOOONNNNNNEEEEEE

I can't wait to go home, see my fam, do christmas, hit up st, j, nbd. I went out shopping yesterday and got some summer clothes for st. j... tanks, shirts, a beauuuuutiful dress, I call it my gauguin dress. I looked at bathing suits, but that never goes well, I think I'm gonna have to do another off the internet things. I think I'll do that now. I also got some new makeup, always feels good. Now, I have to study like mad for arth and pss exams tomorrow, meeting with D to study, excited. I'm having such a hard time deciding what mug to give A... I realized that I really didnt make that much stuff, and it's hard to give something valuable away to someone I dont really care about. But k and all his family will see it, maybe they will think more highly of me...ok i think i know which one. Off to study! Dont distract me!



S

Update

Hey, wanted to give an update... this is so hard, because I don't actually want people to know WHO this actually is, so I can't give very detailed descriptions of what I've been up to, because I don't want them to know it's me.
 I feel like a name is a big part of your identity, and since my parents picked a name for me based on other things, their own feelings (I was named after old ancestors) I have a weird name. They didn't think of me. I want to think of my kids and give them sexy names, because I want my kids to be amazing and gorgeous and star children. Wes is probably the hottest name I can think of, maybe because all the Wes' I've know have been incredibly hot. Ada is a beautiful name too; beautiful, not sexy, and that's what you want. Guys are hot, girls are beautiful. Way of the world.

ANYWAYS. semesters almost over. I'm struggling with this class, Logic. I know I'm going to fail it unless I get an amazing grade on my final. The only way that would happen is if I started right now, teaching myself form the book everything we have learned this entire semester. Because LITERALLY, I haven't done any of the homework expect for the first assignment, skipped 20% of the classes, have no idea what any of this is. I did understand the first couple points though. So, I have a dilemma, I've never failed a class before, gotten below a B on a class before... and how could that effect  my overall career? Realistically, not very much, if I keep up my normal grades of A's and Bs'. And, I guess I have to take another math class, which will totally suck. but I'll just do an easy math class or something. no biggie. Maybe D and I can take a class together. That would be great. I mean, you guys have to believe, I am extremely lazy. I cannot wrap my mind around staying up all night studying, for something I have no interest in. I'm old fashioned in the way that I think that the point of tests are to test what you have learned and retained in the class and are going to remember all your life, not what you shoved into your brain last night and are going to forget the minute you walk out of the room. But I guess I have to cheat the system. Cause everyone else does, and I'm not gonna get ahead being the nice guy. Nice guys finish last.

Ah well.
Love,
Summer

Story Time

So, I'd like to tell you in salacious detail about the height of my high school career, when I was surrounded by and creating drama everywhere I stepped, and the day that I took a page from Gossip Girl and played it out line by line in my own life, and for a minute was the girl everyone wanted to know. You know when the gorgeous Serena does it with her bff Bair (annoying all around), boyfriend, the super sexy Nate? Well, let's just say that I became Serena for a couple short, yet delicious and exciting few months.

So, I had this friend, we were pretty close (Blair). She met this guy (Nate!) at a party beginning of our sophomore year, he was attractive. I guess they started dating, and it was her first, well, EVERYTHING so I heard about it all. He seemed nice, and I'm pretty sure the two of us exchanged pleasantries once in a while. So there was sophomore year, i finally got a boyfriend during interim, and we lasted until four months later when I was sick of his flirting with other girls. He didn't want ME, he wanted a gf.  So, I turned to my guy friend, who has been around for a while. He totally had a crush on me and I knew it in the back of my mind but I LOVED the attention he gave me, and the random hooking up we would do once in a while... probably shouldn't have kept that going. But. That summer we were together all the time, I loved having someone around who thought I was sexy and amazing.
But then, he finally asked, do you wanna date, and I said eeerrrrr i though we were friends??? who hooked up??? and he was like f this, im outie. And he stopped talking to me. And then school started. Blair was still with Nate 24/7, but i had been with my ex and my guy friend 24/7 too... but now I had no one except her. And she had him, so one could say I was really alone, and had a broken fucking heart.
So then interim started, but I was in the chorus so had nothing to do. And so did... Nate. Blair had a big part or something so she was always on stage. I'm pretty sure we started hanging out then, cause he was friends with my guy friend and we talked about my problems with him. My a-hole guy friend, at this point, had picked out some trashy rando and started dating her. And this chick was a complete fucking whore. Her life was drama, and if there wasn't any around, she fucking created it. I voiced my opinions about her to my friends, when the topic arose; I didn't like sluts who started drama. I didn't like her mostly because she stole my best fucking friend and one of the only guys who thought I was an incredibly beautiful goddess. So there was some bias. But I didn't like her.
So one day, this ex-guy friend of mine comes up to me in the dark theater with a couple of his pothead friends behind him and says, get outside, i need to talk to you. It was intimidating, I was kind of scared, he's volatile. So as soon as I get outside and shut the door, the shit storm begins. He starts yelling at me to stop talking about and spreading rumors about his slut gf! Haha! she's a really nice girl ok? he says, pussy.  His friends chime in. I'm like, look I dont like this slut, and I'm not gonna stop talking about her cause I dont give two shits about her feelings. It went on for a while, and finally he stormed off. I stood there. I was shaking. I felt awful, I hated that he looked down on me. Nate came up, hey, it looks like you could use a cigarette. I smile gratefully.
We head outside and I smoke my first cig ever with him, it felt great. We walked through town, and I felt badass cause I was missing a rehearsal. He was nice to me, sympathetic. That was insane, he said what a dick. We bonded. It was a cool moment.
So after that, we started hanging out more and more... we skipped rehearsal and played pool at the old bowling alley. He even did that thing where he stood behind me and showed me how to hold a pool que. I died.
We started hanging out outside of school, we went to the museum and smoked pot on the nature trails - I don't remember anything. On halloween we sat on the hill above the cemetery and watched these amazing storm clouds and listened to the bell tower chime my curfew and hours after. We would just drive the fuck around and smoke cigs and pot. I was def opened up to a whole new world.
Sometime during this Nate and Blair broke up. He told me he broke up with her to be with me. I was so happy, finally a guy wants me, ME over my beautiful smart friend. She was devastated though, I had to try hard to seem sympathetic when she called on the phone, crying about him. All I could think of was what we did last night.
One of these burn turns ended up in my saying we should drive to our house in NH. We started on the highway and I soon realized it was the wrong highway. Easy mistake. No probs, he said, my grandpas house is right down the road we can visit. Erm, that might be awkward I said. No, he says, he just died. (WHAA) and I know when the key is so we can go in and chill! This was so wrong. But soooo right. We got there, went in, a typical old man house. Nate had american spirit and papes and we rolled this enormous cig. We smoked it outside and finally I said, my lung hate me and my fingers just fell off. So we went inside, and I got under his big coat to get warm. He got under it too... and in the dark, we met. It was thrilling, felt so good, and wow, he can unhook a bra and get it off a less than a second. I'm pretty sure I had a smile on my face the entire time. And let the record show that he made the moves, not me. The ride home wasn't awkward.
I started going over to his house and spending afternoons... we never did anything but make out. Once Blair called him mid makeout sesh, and he answered it (should have heeded that warning) and I tried as hard as I could not to giggle. I kissed his face as he talked to her, kissed his mouth when she talked. He didn't really kiss back.
Then, the punch line. One day, we were sitting in the pit, Blair turns to me and says, so I have amazing news. I talked to Nate last night, and he told me he's liked me this entire time since we broke up!!! Silence. I mean, we have been talking every night since we broke up... Silence. My insides are collapsing in on themselves. So, he wants to try again! Isn't that great!?! I distinctly remember being so shocked I couldn't even muster up a smile can act like I was happy for her. I was unconvincing, I know. I got up and said, uh, I gotta go. And I went and found Nate. I stuttered for a minute then finally got out, so you're dating Blair now huh? and he said i mean... blablabla...bsbsbs.... i'm a spineless a-hole... then my fav part: 'it's not that I don't like you... it's just, I like her too!' I was like fuck you, fuck this, goodbye. Then, as I walked away,  my second favorite part: 'keep me in mind, cause there aren't a whole lot of available guys at this school!!' I didn't even have a response to that one. Wow.
So, they started dating again. And five years later, they are still dating to this day. I don't talk to him and if I do, I'm not nice. He led my sister along for a while too (small town) and she found out the same way I did that he's been talking to Blair that whole time they were together. Blair and I are still friends, if you could call it that. I don't know if she knows. Although, how could she not? But why would she still talk to me if she did? I don't know. It created quite a rift in our friendship and I don't think we are as honest with each other, at least I'm not with her. I feel bad I did that to her. I would feel bad that she's dating a scumbag, except he did all these things just to be with her. So I guess she's lucky in a way. And I guess... I'm not.

So, there it is. I'm different now, in college, creating a life for myself. I'm not exactly proud of who I was then, but I learned a lot from it. Don't lie and cheat your friends, and don't be a sucker for attention. You always lose.





Summer

This is hard to write... I guess I have social anxiety disorder. Watched a vid on it last night and it described me exactly. Apparently 5% of americans suffer from it. It's just the fear of looking bad, and avoiding situations where you might look bad, so much so that your quality of life is diminished. Yea. It's kind of relieving to finally put a word to it, what I've been experiencing all these years. And it's relieving to know that there are ways to treat it, a combination of behavioral therapy and medication. I was thinking about my current therapist... she seems very emotion- and feeling-oriented, I don't know if she does this more scientific stuff. But I think that's what would make me feel better, strangely - a doctor treating my condition like a real medical condition. Because it can be fixed. I guess professionalism is something that comforts me. Emotions don't feel ... professional to me. Hm.
SO, I guess I'm dealing with that now. My new exercise routine is going well, it tires me out, jesus, I am so lazy. I hope I can keep this up, god, I need a nice body again. NEED it.
Wish me luck with this shit,



Summer

MFA!

I visited the MFa yesterday. It was absolutely wonderful, I love museums so much. I don't know why - they are so grand, rich, so much history in one small place. D and I found a gorgeous room that both took our breaths away - it had a high ceiling, and red walls filled to the top with golden-framed paintings. Here:

It was such an experience. I also found this great place - it was a corridor right outside of an exhibit, and it was all white, with a huge floor to ceiling window looking out over a street and some trees. There was a nice 60's black couch right in the middle, and all I wanted to do was sit there and read and do homework. There was no people around so it was calm and silent. You know I really like finding places like that. It's special. I think if I design my own house it will be filled with places like that. Damn if I design my own house... it will be the single most amazing thing you've ever seen.




Summer

Things... are so hard. My heart go out to all the people in the world who have ever felt the way that I do right now: lonely, hopeless, so out of control, unstable. I understand it now, loneliness. It's the worst feeling on the planet. You don't want to live, you just want someone to hold you, tell you everything's ok. That's really it. I don't know for sure, but I bet there are many lonely people in this world. Think about what a difference we could make if we reached out and weren't so cold to strangers all the time. Smiled at passers-by, gave out hugs, told a stranger they're beautiful... That's all us humans want really, a connection. We want to feel loved. Thats really the meaning of life, find love.
But, it's never straight forward. Me for example, I have so many things standing in my way of finding love. And it's all psychological too. I know I can reach out and I know I can love with all my heart, there are just little things that hold me back. Fear of rejection. Fear of failure. Fear of saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing, moving my hand the wrong way. I'm 100% serious. It just gets to me, it paralyzes me, and it would be so much easier and less painful if I just didn't even put myself in those situations to begin with, and stuck with things that I'm used to, and where I feel safe. Like my family, friends from high school, my home, my dorm room. I don't have to worry with them around. But without them... I can't go out unless I have everything planned so I will look perfect - every what if thought through completely and precautions made so I will look like the most perfect, beautiful, in control girl out there in the face of anything.
So, I do this. But the people who try to get to know me are just hitting up against this shell of supposed perfection. They get no feelings from me because I don't know if they will like them. They get no words for the same reason. And they sense that, whether they know it or not, and move away. Real people connect with real people, and I don't act like a real person. Real people show their feelings, say whats on their mind, move how their body wants. Although I know a perfect person is a real person... wow that's like a vortex, a black hole. Like dividing by 0. Cause I am a real person. And I am trying to be a perfect person. Which is in fact is real person. So I'm trying to be what I am already. I guess I just don't know how to get to that part of me. No, what I need to figure out is how the fuck can I stop caring what other people think of me? Thats what the hell I need to do. That's what I gotta do.
In the meantime, I am going partying this weekend, and in this night before, I am sitting here crying my eyes out with so many emotions about it I don't even know what they are, and how to make myself get up in the morning. I can hardly explain it to you guys, only that I hope you never feel it.



Summer

Goin' Home

Going home tonight... it is a reward to myself after a couple long weeks of midterms, papers and paintings- I finished a huge paper last night that I am very proud of. I'm so excited to catch breather, see my family, catch the last of fall in Vt. I feel like I can't even experience fall up here, no good views. So, hopefully my spirits will be renewed and I will come back refreshed and happy.
Love Summer

Light

Well, things are looking up. In a counseling session last week, I had a sort of revelation, and I was able to separate myself from the worry/loneliness if only for a second. She had me, in my mind, pick it up and set it down outside of my body - it was amazing. She also conjured up an image in my mind: me as an adult, hugging my younger self, who is filled with all these problems but doesn't even know it, is lonely and sad but just thinks thats the way the world is. It makes me tear up every time I think about it. And the good thing is I identify with adult version, it was like I realized that the two can be separate, I don't have to be that little girl forever. The thing with these two images is, I can't exactly picture the the adult version, or the person who is left after I take out the worry - it's just a shadow. I guess that's because this worry loneliness has consumed all my thoughts, feeling, action, ALL of me for all my entire past, and I don't know who is in there. I do't know who she is. I wonder, is there actually another personality in there, or if I will have to create an entire new person.
So, the question is now, who is she? I have wondered about how to figure this out, what a daunting task, you know. I created a list with the title, What Do I Want? and tried to write things down that really excite me and that I think isn't influenced by other people. Now this is hard too. I think that on some level, even if you are the most self-conident person in the world, other people factor in to your decisions. I guess my thing is more, what they THINK of me, I'm trying to push that away. It's been very interesting hearing my mother's thoughts on all this - I've discovered through all this that she is very similar to me. She says that she finally got over her problems when  (she was married with kids and in her 40s) when she stopped caring what other people thought of her, she says she would worry about the littlest, unimportant things (sounds familiar...) and finally she just said you know what, I'm done, and she stopped, and she describes the feeling as a weight off the shoulders. Then she was able to focus on what she wanted to do with her life, and I think she is really happy right now, from my point of view. Hearing this example, I'm just so glad that there's some way out you know. This isn't going to last forever.
I've also been thinking, taking on figuring out my mind and rewiring it is such a monumental task, maybe it would be easier and just as effective to focus on my physical body. Figure out what it needs, what it likes, how it works. Just take care of it. And maybe that would lead to a physical peace that would help with my mental peace. I guess that would look like eating right, exercising, yoga, working on my skin, growing out my nails, taking care of my hair... etc. I feel like thats more manageable.
The hard part about this is, I don't think that I have completely done that separating yet. I mean it's scary, I can't walk around this empty shell of a person. It's like breaking a habit, a habit that you have participated in every single second for the past 10+ years of your life. Like my nails, I just find it kind of amazing that I stopped around this time when I'm trying to stop all the other stuff. I wonder if it's a coincidence? Or if this is the right time for it, my body did this unconsciously, and was trying to tell me something. It proves I have it inside me, somewhere.
So. I guess I will ask H other ideas of how to, well, find myself, get in tough with that girl inside there. Gosh that girl. I can't wait to say hello.



Summer

On Feeling Good

I dressed myself up today, a Sunday, for my outing to the library to study with D. My new white shirt, jeans, my gold watch, and sunglasses, which I think make the outfit. And I don't know, I just love it when people do double takes and stare longer than usual... it gives me confidence that, yea, I do have a nice bod, the kind of bod that guys dig, a womanly body. I gotta get it so I'm not walking/acting like a stuck up snob though, I can tell that's how I come off first impression. But you know what, I deserve to act how I want, it's been a while since I've felt good and I deserve to act however the fuck I want. I do. I bet people think I'm a biddy with tons of friends who hooks up with lax bros, but, I'm not.... I wonder if they knew. I wish people could walk around with signs on their chests saying who they really are on the inside, their insecurities, everything. It would be so liberating. Like that glee episode, um, glee's amazing.
Anyways, given this new boost of confidence, I feel like I can do... anything. It's a great feeling.





Summer

I've read a couple other blogs lately... golly are they nice: pretty, cohesive, comprehensible sentences, funny, and hey, most actually have a purpose! It got me thinking about this ol' thing you're reading here... sorry it's not top notch, really... I guess what you're getting is my thoughts, straight from the brain, hot off the press, no filer... this is me. This is what you get. This blog is such a nice thing for me because there's nowhere else when I can talk freely and feel ok about it. If only I could be this why in real life!

love, Summer

New Day

Things I learned today:

-NPR is the greatest thing ever.

-You have to be gentle with yourself when you want to change, no forcing or being tough with yourself... hold your goal inside you gently and notice it there, be nice to it.

-When I'm at peace with myself, it feels at if there is an openness inside, a calmness. When I'm anxious, everything is full with thoughts, tense. Try to remember that feeling of calmness and go back to it during the day.

-I do want to keep some part of my people-conscious ways, because being conscious of people isn't a bad thing... I just need to even out these two parts of me. I need to be ok with myself, so the bad part isn't working overtime.

Just thoughts....

Gosh the weather up here is great, crisp, cold and sunny one minute, then hot, sticky, foggy, cloudy the next. I hate those sticky days. I hope we have a long fall this year, because I was looking at my clothes and 90% of everything I own are fall clothes, comfy sweaters, jeans, boots, scarves, etc. A fall girl named summer.

I got an appointment with a counselor for Tuesday. I'm a little numb about it just because I know what to expect, and I'm just hoping that she will have something worthwhile and intelligent to say about my problems... I am looking forward to talking about myself for an hour each week though! Since there's no one else to tell. It's insane though, that health insurance covers only a portion of it, and we have to pick up the rest... why the hell do we pay all that money then!??! YEa, ok, someone miiiight have a horrible accident and rack up $10,000 in hospital bills but really when does that ever happen? Thieving sons a bitches my dad always says.

I copped some wild asters yesterday early in the morning, and now they look absolutely gorgeous in front of Monet's poppies. Gasp, did I tell you!?! My grandmother in giving us Sailboats on Long Island Sound by Javier Gonzalez! It's a stunning painting, I'm so honored to have it be hanging in my room. I hope that someday I can have it in my house, along with all my other famous artworks I will have collected. Someday.....




Summer