I guess it's too much to ask to have a nice life. I just have no idea what to do to get myself in a good placce. I just watched House, then looked up Jesse Spencer because he captivates me, and I saw that he was dating this girl, a surfer apparently, and I saw a picture of her and she's fairly attractive, not extreme in any direction... And I'm just like, why not me? Like, how come, what does she have that I don't? I hate how people keep saying to me I'm attractive (i was called "the good Kardashian sister" the other day) but, why don't I have a boyfriend? How come our society is so shut off that it's so hard to ask another person out on a date? Why are guys such pussys these days? But it even goes farther because I realize that these guys are just two people in an adult relationship, who care a lot about each other, and seeing couples like that really make me crave something like that. You know? Fuck flirty high school shit, it's such a waste my time. Although sometimes I feel that all I know how to do... I once heard a quote, the only reason we get married is to have a witness to our lives. Because without a witness, did it really happen? People need each other. There's an emptiness inside that I keep ignoring and try to fill with other things, but I know the only thing that can fill it is a guy who loves me. I'm like, yea, I'll gain this confidence in myself, my way, so I can be confident in a relationship, but in reality, how the f am I going to do that? Where does confidence come from if not from others? I brought a painting to an art show the other day, and I got hundreds of compliments but I still felt ashamed of my work! I kept saying, oh they're just being nice. WHY!!??! I feel as if I don't understand my own actions. And i don't know how to get where I want to go. I've done all this therapy in the last couple of years but where have I gotten, really? The conclusions I seem to have come to from that are to: get major surgery to make my body perfect, or to take medication, or to get a boyfriend. I mean, why can't it be, meditate, or eat an avocado a day, or take a trip to Jamaica, or something? why are my needs so superficial? I think the thing I really need to figure out is whether this will all get better with age or if it won't, and I need to do one of those drastic things to make my life something that I actually don't mind living. Because right now, I'd rather be anyone else.


Sorry for the train of thought.



Sums