Light

Well, things are looking up. In a counseling session last week, I had a sort of revelation, and I was able to separate myself from the worry/loneliness if only for a second. She had me, in my mind, pick it up and set it down outside of my body - it was amazing. She also conjured up an image in my mind: me as an adult, hugging my younger self, who is filled with all these problems but doesn't even know it, is lonely and sad but just thinks thats the way the world is. It makes me tear up every time I think about it. And the good thing is I identify with adult version, it was like I realized that the two can be separate, I don't have to be that little girl forever. The thing with these two images is, I can't exactly picture the the adult version, or the person who is left after I take out the worry - it's just a shadow. I guess that's because this worry loneliness has consumed all my thoughts, feeling, action, ALL of me for all my entire past, and I don't know who is in there. I do't know who she is. I wonder, is there actually another personality in there, or if I will have to create an entire new person.
So, the question is now, who is she? I have wondered about how to figure this out, what a daunting task, you know. I created a list with the title, What Do I Want? and tried to write things down that really excite me and that I think isn't influenced by other people. Now this is hard too. I think that on some level, even if you are the most self-conident person in the world, other people factor in to your decisions. I guess my thing is more, what they THINK of me, I'm trying to push that away. It's been very interesting hearing my mother's thoughts on all this - I've discovered through all this that she is very similar to me. She says that she finally got over her problems when  (she was married with kids and in her 40s) when she stopped caring what other people thought of her, she says she would worry about the littlest, unimportant things (sounds familiar...) and finally she just said you know what, I'm done, and she stopped, and she describes the feeling as a weight off the shoulders. Then she was able to focus on what she wanted to do with her life, and I think she is really happy right now, from my point of view. Hearing this example, I'm just so glad that there's some way out you know. This isn't going to last forever.
I've also been thinking, taking on figuring out my mind and rewiring it is such a monumental task, maybe it would be easier and just as effective to focus on my physical body. Figure out what it needs, what it likes, how it works. Just take care of it. And maybe that would lead to a physical peace that would help with my mental peace. I guess that would look like eating right, exercising, yoga, working on my skin, growing out my nails, taking care of my hair... etc. I feel like thats more manageable.
The hard part about this is, I don't think that I have completely done that separating yet. I mean it's scary, I can't walk around this empty shell of a person. It's like breaking a habit, a habit that you have participated in every single second for the past 10+ years of your life. Like my nails, I just find it kind of amazing that I stopped around this time when I'm trying to stop all the other stuff. I wonder if it's a coincidence? Or if this is the right time for it, my body did this unconsciously, and was trying to tell me something. It proves I have it inside me, somewhere.
So. I guess I will ask H other ideas of how to, well, find myself, get in tough with that girl inside there. Gosh that girl. I can't wait to say hello.



Summer