Musings

Why is this happening to me? What did I do to deserve this? I guess it's what I didn't do that made this happen. I put this all on myself I can't just expect some other worldly force to clean it all up.



But is it so bad that I do? Is it so fucking bad that I think I deserve someone else to think, huh, I'd like to talk to that girl, and strike up a conversation. Someone else for a change?!? It's always me! I deserve it! I'm pretty, I actually am, in real life not just in my head, I was called the prettiest girl in my high school even! I'm funny, I'm intelligent, I know about things, about the ways of the world, I'm elegant, I'm formal, polite and have manners, I'm thoughtful, understanding, I would be a great girlfriend/wife, really, I understand guys really well. Also, I've beed told I'm excellent in bed! haha! So there! The ONLY problem is, I'm not good at, what, starting conversations? seeming inviting? It takes a little bit to get to know me, is that so bad? People don't want to do any work anymore. It used to be that men saw a pretty face and they followed her around and wanted to take her out. What happened to those days? Why do guys care about personality now? hahaha. I wish I lived in the 50's. shit. I hate how I constantly, constantly beat myself up, thinking that I'm the one with the problem and I have to change. Maybe they're the wrong ones. What, so everyone else in this world is wrong and I'm the only right one? That can't be. Maybe things are the way they are for a reason. Maybe people act this way for a reason, like it the best way for humans, as a species, to live. I don't know. But then again, sometimes I think all I really need is a good guy in my life. Then all my problems would be solved. I get such a dirty feeling when I think that, like not that way, but just not right, just gross, unclean. Kind og like how I feel when I think of M and K. Cant get a more fucked up ... thats not true at all they really... jesus who cares about them.



I really hope all this shit going on right now leads somewhere. Leads to a happier me. (Who lives in Tuscany?)






Summer