Here We Go Again.

Welp, I'm back. It's funny I didn't write in this blog at all over the summer... I guess that means I didn't need to! I heard this great quote the other day, "diaries are for lonely people" and I have never heard truer words! They hope that someday, they we be important or loved enough so that someone will actually want to read their about thoughts and experiences. So true.
But, I'm back nonetheless. I have a single, which I did a lot to get, I actually kind of ruined the end of my summer trying to get it. I was going to live in this special programmed housing but then one day I realized that I would totally not survive living there (they were talking about going on trips together on winter break! terrifying!) and I freaked out and did all I could to get a single. It was really hard, I have never been so confused at my own behavior in my life. And, although I'm pretty sure my actions had nothing to do with it, it was just dumb luck, they called me up one day and said they had a single open.
So the room: It's smaller than I'd like, but it had 3 big windows which is amazing. I'm planning on filling the windowsill with plants and growing scarlet runner beans around the edges. I also want to get more cushioning for my bed, and make it more like my bed at home - my bed at home is a wonder, it's so comfortable. I haven't put up all my posters/tapestries yet, I've been lazy, but I will soon and it will look very warm and inviting them , the walls are white cinderblock right now haha. Top-of-the-line dorm! I did put up some photos, though, and it's funny, most of them are of me. They are my favorite pictures of myself. I mean, it's just inspiration for me really, and testament to how pretty I really am and how I will get back to that body and confidence one day.
Mom came up with me and helped me unload and unpack. I was really glad she was there, she's really been my only friend this summer and we've had some really great times together. It was the saddest thing when she left though, she turned and looked back before she went down the stairs, and she looked as if she were going to cry. I went back into my room and balled my eyes out watching her drive away. I can't take these transitions.
But the strangest thing is, I've been lying to her and everyone at home, saying that yea, I've hung out with A, and yea I met all his friends, and yea the dining hall is really cool. When in reality, I've been in my room except for two times, once getting my textbooks and the other getting some microwaveable dinners and cereal! Haha! I just don't want her to worry. I know her and dad were really surprised at how upset this single room thing made me, and they realized I had some real problems. Plus, she have better things to worry about than me, I just want her to be happy and think about me in a good light.
But the moral of this post is, nothing has changed. Here we go again. I don't want to hang out with anyone, I don't want anyone to think I'm weird, I want to be as perfect- LOOKING as possible. And I'm already not happy, I'm already longing for home and summer and tanz and donkers and the garden and my big bed.
I really don't know how I'm gonna make it through and entire year of this.




Summer