Shell Girl

I went to work today, and although I usually love, it sucked today. Sucked horribly. It didn't help that today was like wandering about the interior of satans private quarters it was so hot, humid and sultry. I was doing all this lifting bags and scooping stuff and I just sweat and got all smelly and gross I'm sure, although my hair got curly and wispy around my face, which is cute right? Ug anyways, I am so frustrated about how I cant joke around with matt and julian. Im so up-tight seeming, at least I think I am, what the fuck am I like around them? I dont know! I dont have any friends to tell me! I think where I'm going with this is that today I really started realizing that I want to have good friends to joke around with and talk seriously with and to vent to and to just be myself with. I am that way, I need that, I can tell that about myself. But I missed some crucial moment where I was supposed to make friends that would last my whole college career and I would be all set, no biggie. Is it that I went to vt with high school buddies and hen transferred? I think theres something else tho - I think what I've done that hasn't allowed me to make friends is that Ive slowly stripped away all forms of identification, anything and everything that someone could judge me from. Like bracelets. What happened to my bracelets? I used have thousands on my arm. I used to love wearing bob marley t-shirts and ripped jeans. What happened to my messy blond hair, my love of being badass and hanging out with guys and partying. Now, I wear skinny jeans, a plain shirt and a cardigan and sometimes pearl earrings or maybe my fake diamond ones. I have a leather purse. A PURSE? I used to think hell would freeze over before I ever got a purse. Now I'm just... normal. Not only in physical appearance, but I can never seem to tell people how I actually feel, unless what I really feel is socially acceptable and what I think they want to hear, what makes them comfortable. Who cares what I actually feel? I push it so far down inside and only let it out in places like this, once in a while, to no one. I'm getting down to the very shell of what a human being can be, I'm seeing how far I can go. Is it because I don't know who I am and I'm trying to start from the beginning or do I actually not want people to judge me? That was be so incredibly sad. How could I do that to myself? SO here I am, a shell of a girl, unable to express how she really feels. Yet I have so much inside of me, a whole entire person who wants to live and have a wonderful life. Theres such a disconnect with what I do and who I am, what I feel and what I say. Connecting all these scattered parts of myself, becoming a coherent human being. Things would be easier then, wouldnt they. And hey, if it's that hooligan who like guys and bracelets, then, welcome back old friend. But backtracking a bit - I dont have any friends. And it get so incredibly frustrating to have all these things inside and no way to release them. It builds up, its been building up for like 2.5 years. wow. Am I gonna like snap oe day and so crazy in the streets and rip all my clothes off haha? I try to text people, and ask them to hang out, and they never respond or text me back hours later and say omg im so sorry i was busy, or dismiss as silly or strange, don't even give a fucking second to get to know me. Fuck literally everyone of you idiots, you're all missing out. I'm fabulous.