Developments in my Life; or, Shit that Today Got Shitter

Finally talked to m about my hand and the studio - i was in the studio f-ing around while he was teaching his class, for maybe 2 hours, and the whole time I was planning out a big long script detailing my plight after my accident and the monumental hurdles I have had to overcome, and horrors I have had to live through. It was long, I'm telling you. But when I got into his office HE did all the talking! I was like give me a minute bud we're talking about me here. He did say, though, something very nice about me, we were talking about my possibly leaving and he said, it's not that i dont want you around because it's been a joy having you here and its been great having you around.. something something. Not much, but its a little nugget of triumph! I surprisingly didn't and don't feel that moved by it, just because I'm stopping working there. And he's just, we just... I can't. I don't want to, I can't, I have no more energy to put into it. Physically cannot. All these frustrations, these sexual frustrations, frustrations about friends, people in general, my family, my sister, my future, my interests, my body, my health - they're all so up front in my mind right now, ALL of them and I feel like I need to solve all of them right now, because well, I do and I can I be an adult with all these problems? It's so exhausting. I just need a little something to give me confidence, a source of confidence that's there all the time, that I don't fall back on, but that propels me forward, into new things, into life. I'm so stationary right now, so dead, so dull and stale. The only thing that comes to mind is a boyfriend... everyone my age has one, all my housemates, they seem exponentially more grown up to me, and that's the reason why. I feel so less than a human. I hate this!!!! I hate myself!!!!!!!!