Zone

Zoning out on oxy tonight... i needed a little break... it makes me tired and BLANK. Dont worry im not addicted im too ocd and too much of a worrier to keep doing it.  i remember asking all my doctors, well, is there just something i can take that will calm me down for a bit when i have those really anxious episodes and i feel like crap? they were like, uhhhmmm, no? Well I found it. Drugs baby. Why me. whywhwywhy why also are kanyes last two albums totally fucking rad. i love him. i want to live inside the songs also i would enjoy living inside the majority of cat empires songs... maybe having a love affir with felix, living in austrailia by the beach, being tan and fit, why cant these be realities? Why am i here, what the fuck am i doing here. I realized earlier, while being lectured by mom that i dont think im worth it. it, anything. i dont think i deserve much, i dont deserve to be happy. I remember just recently i thought about dreaming that i was a princess, like picturing myself as a princess... it was like such a new ting to me. i couldnt do it. i dont, picture myself happy, ever.