spring nights and fire drills

We just had a fire drill, i dozing off in a quiet haze of tumblr, sia and advil pm... i got outside and everyone was chatting, laughing nervously... like hell i would wait there. i has on my ripped jeans and a blue zip up, hair in a bun, casual... i started walking away, thinking i would stroll around campus. i ended up sitting at the edge of a parking lot in the grass with my back against a car. i could hear peepers in probably some cesspool, but it was clear, and looking up through the new leaves, it smelled just like home and made my heart twinge. I kind of had a breakdown today... matt gave me this article to read about hands and working with your hands and how important they are, and i read it and just bawled. I could have a a handless right arm right now, i was so fucking close to that, it could very well have happened, probably should have. for some reason it wasnt worse and i still have a hand. i could be one of those poor cripples people stare at on the street! you cannot have a normal life with one hand. i would be different and thats my biggest fear. but i was so close, thats what gets me... i went to draw to see if that would help, and my family called me to talk about my grandmother and i just couldnt take it, i was holding back tears the whole time... i ran out of there with those idiot girls talking about cigarettes and ran dow nto the pottery studio to see if matt was there, i needed him... but the lights were off, they never are. no music, no one. im very alone, aren't i. Im a lonely person. any normal person, any one at all, take their normal life and simply subract close friends and boyfriends out of it, and thats my life. i deal with all the same shit... i think im getting a little weirder every day, so that might be ending soon. alone, so alone.