a post w/o reason

I wonder why he talks to me, he seems so open? Does he enjoy it? I feel like I just ask questions and the just sit there and let him answer them. But people like talking about themselves don't they? Maybe not if it's to a little girl who is weird and shady and you know nothing about. I found out his wifes name is melanie. pretty huh. He must call her mel. I mean, matt's just the most normal seeming guy on the planet, maybe a little more badass, cool, and creative than most but mostly normal. I wonder how they met you know? Is melanie normal too? Are most people normal and they find other normal people to settle down with and love isn't really this huge incredible lightning flash of incredible feeling it's just wanting someone to talk to at night when everything is quiet and when you could feel like you are the only person on the planet and you question whether you really exist or not but then you feel their warmth beside you and you hear their slow breaths and you know at least one person on this huge entire planet cares if you are there or not. Just one, it can make all the difference. Matt was talking about hurting his back once and how he just wanted everything to be better because he had lots of work to do and he just wanted a miracle, but he said i guess the bodys really not like that. And its true, i think so much of our identities are associated with our brains, our thoughts, but the body is a big part too. It cant come up with all these bullshit emotions that make us do stupid things, but it is dependable, strong, resistant. Stupid fucking brains life would be so much simpler without them. We could focus on the basics. How to calm your thoughts and live simply? Practice? Putting yourself in a simple situation with a cabin in the woods? Living life, learning that thoughts get you in trouble? Feelings get you in trouble? feelings for an incredible married man who is smart and talented and actually notices your existence and notices when you speak and is upset when something bad happens to me? People enjoy being around extroverts though, dont they. Its fun easy, exciting, engaging, no awkward silences. With introverts, its just more effort for things to not be awkward. Why be when an introvert when you can have fun with an extrovert? its a no brainer. I wouldn't pick me. If i'm normal, a run of the mill girl... why normal guy would pick me then? Hopeless. I keep thinking about someday wearing that tight peplum shirt i got today to the pottery studio... has matt ever thought of it? Have i really? Would he if he saw me? Does seeing boobs and a small waist make him think of sex, like is that all it takes? Is he that shallow, its almost insulting. Although I"m not saying pursue it, I'm saying think, a fleeting though. Thats all, that would make me so happy it I knew it crossed his mind...I keep thinking about archer and how that kind of guy turns me on. 100% dick, selfish, asshole, uses women, disrespectful... why. why in the hell. it's something like, because he likes sex and is sexual and sleeps with, well, anything, I know i would have a chance... its an easy target. I wouldnt have to coax it out of him. But is sex all i want? The few times you've had it have sucked. isnt love, caring what i want? its not like im pursuing one or the other though, my life isnt heading way down the wrong path. It isnt really going anywhere to be honest. I havnt picked a path, ive found a place on the path thats agreeable and ive decided to hang around for a bit. Where am i going so fast anyway. A path indicates that one is on their way somewhere...what, death? Why are we hurrying? I just see it as, if im comfortable, why fuck it up. how often do we find people that love us an some place that we feel safe. how fucking often. My rationale for life at this moment. I just found out that the father of an incredible guy that h and i met on our cross country trip is dying. hes on life support and their pulling the plug in a couple days. We had dinner at the guys house, and that dinner was literally one of the highlights of the trip, the mum and dad were such a great couple, so hilarious, the dad was really quiet and smiling and nice and the mom was a loose cannon, lous, hilarious. I remember , when he was driving us home, he said god they are too insane, and I said, yea, but I think they even eachother out. And he was quiet and said yea i think you're right, i never thought of that. And now, the mum won't have her other half, her balancer in life... life's unfair i soppose. My whole heart is in santa fe right now.

-s