Longing

I think I am projecting all the guys I want to be with onto matt right now. Because matt is the only guy i have any sort of relationship with. colton haynes, who is an angel, t hiddleston, matt goode ( i like brits) are my obsessions at the moment, they consume me and i cant help but want them, i need them, i just need anyone... and matt is there. i keep having crazy fantasies about him and i, late at night in his office... i know that he is professional, mum said the other day that he's just looking out for himself... he would be disgusted at the proposition, and he would turn me down and all he would get from it is a little ego boost, and my entire life would be ruined, and i probably would die. I need to remember at time like these that the only single reason that i am at interested in matt is that THERE IS NO ONE ELSE. he shouldn't flatter himself and i shouldn't act on it. but jesus i just cant help but think, what if he is like that, has those thoughts... i just research extensively student-teacher affairs. s doesn't seems to have a policy... people say it never end well. well, obviously. they say its usually not allowed if you are in the same dept or they might have any influence on your academics. god, how pathetic do i sound right now?? I just, guys understand me, i cant get off this because there is a possibility, however fucking small, that this could happen!!! Maybe hes going through a midlife crisis and needs a distraction, no one really knows why he left illinios... maybe im attractive in an 80s sense, even though im not really conventionally attractive, or really attractive at all, but maybe i remind him of the old days, maybe i could be a distraction, a faceless distraction who would be tossed out on the street as soon as he's lived out his fantasies, left there, totally empty and used up and wasted with nothing left inside because i had given it all away to an older guy who only pretended to care about me and was really thinking about his wife or something else all those nights. I feel like thats how it would turn out, i feel like thats all i expect out of a relationship, its gotten to the point where i almost want that too... i'd take anything, even fake feelings, any feelings are good feelings, any touches are good touches....