Tom + Sex

Reading all this fan stuff on tumblr about tom h.... holy moly its intense. I thought i got obsessed about people, these girls are off their rockers... like all this really sexually explicit stuff, geez... it made me realize, yea i have thoughts like that too, just based on someone's looks, but this is a real person, he is his own person... i cant 'love' him, i have no idea who he is. This thing i have with a person only being their exteriors, its horrible. each person is really individual, i think because i have no idea how I am individual in this world yet i have a huge respect for people who do know and have a firm grasp of themselves. I feel like in order to be an actor, you have to know who you are so you can become another person onscreen, and still revert back to the same old guy at the end of the day...god it must be taxing, you are faking all day! How nice to just be yourself. I realized one thing about myself that I don't that much about is my sexuality... growing up that was a taboo subject in my my really old fashioned family... i didnt know much about it, i dont talk about it, i dont explore my needs... everyone has them, why is so taboo? I just need an outlet, gosh there so much NEED inside of me... i need to let it out somehow... its gotten to the point where when i'm aroused it is physically PAINFUL. it hurts! jesus. i am blushing just writing this. just to get it onto paper, lets address my s&m fantasies... getting controlled sexually is what does it for me, pretty much the only thing. Having a guy so overcome with lust for ME that he can't help himself... animalistic desires... non-consent, reluctance, i used to think i was having rape fantasies but i was reading, it was really interesting, about how the only difference between s&m and rape is that a rapist gets off on the pain and fear and non-consent of the victim, while s&m it only works when both people consent. of course i googled the psychology of s&m... it said that s&m can stem from insecurities, fear/disgust of anything sexual, the masochist can want satisfaction though dependency, they also might want superiority, paradoxically. maybe i like it because i dont have to be the one deciding what to do in this area that i know nothing about... but jesus whatever it is, it's so powerful, and those thoughts do so much to my body, when thoughts have a physical reaction... im going into the studio tomorrow. im hoping i won't be strange around matt, seeing as i just penned a fantasy of us doing it in his office... jeez. im wearing a pink shirt tomorrow, girly, maybe he'll see me as such... girl=sex, right?


-s